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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Don't want emotionally abusive XH in my new home, how to explain to DC?

27 replies

Lavenderfowl · 03/11/2024 14:03

I'm about to move out of the FMH and into my own place, taking DS9 with me (his dad only has him EOW by choice).

I have had to put up with XH coming into the FMH for the last few years, pushing boundaries and often doing unpleasant things (taking photos of messy kitchen, taking things etc). I REALLY don't want him over the threshold in our new home, but how do I explain that to DS9, when he's going to want to show him his new bedroom, XH will deliberately turn up early so he has to wait whilst DS gets ready etc...

DS knows there are reasons why I divorced XH, but so far I've not given him any detail...he's a smart kid and he knows I'm uncomfortable around his dad. It's DS' home too though...do I let him show XH once and then no more (I don't even want that..)

Help please!

OP posts:
Chowtime · 03/11/2024 14:07

Yes let's him show his dad his new room but leave it at that.

Regarding him showing up early can you account for it? Ie, if you say come at 11 and he comes at 10.30 can you just make sure your ds is ready early anyway? Or tell your DS that his dad is coming
I g at 10.30 instead of the real time. Hope that makes sense.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/11/2024 14:08

“Because it makes me feel uncomfortable”. You can’t argue with that unless you admit you want someone to be uncomfortable.

Make sure you don’t go in his dads house either.

I wouldn’t let it happen once, that’s more confusing for the child and gives your ex more wiggle room.

Strong boundaries mean everyone knows where they stand.

Arcadia · 03/11/2024 14:08

Hi I'm a family lawyer. I've not been asked this before but I would suggest you either get your son to show his bedroom via a video call with his Dad or takes a video then shows him, or that you prearrange one day for him just to come in for a few minutes to just see that room as a one off.
I would tell your son that people need private spaces, (this means that you are also reinforcing the idea of boundaries), and that you wouldn't go into his Dad's place either.
If he keeps arriving early, get him to wait in the car outside!

Arcadia · 03/11/2024 14:10

The legal position is very different as he was presumably co-owner of the marital home, so if he consistently tries to push boundaries and enter your house you can seek a non-molestation order.

Pootles34 · 03/11/2024 14:12

I agree that because he makes you uncomfortable is plenty reason enough. It's probably a good lesson for ds that it's ok to say no if someone makes you uncomfortable.

TheCatterall · 03/11/2024 15:20

@Lavenderfowl He can have some pictures of his bedroom nice and tidy to show his dad. Does he have his own phone for contacting dad?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 03/11/2024 17:30

I agree strong boundaries are needed here.

If you need to say anything to your son just say you have your own stuff going on now and you both are respecting each other's space.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 03/11/2024 17:37

9 is old enough to understand that mum and dad don’t live together anymore and have their own private homes. He can take photos of his room for dad if he wants to show him.
you can say “dad doesn’t live here and I would prefer he doesn’t come in to my house now, when dad comes he can meet you at the door and I wont be going to dads house either”

Have you been into ex’s current home?

Original poster
Lavenderfowl · 03/11/2024 19:31

Thanks everyone - to answer your questions, he wasn't legal co-owner of the FMH (it was my house), DS doesn't have his own phone yet but he does have access to phone he can use to call his dad whenever he wants (and vice-versa), and I have been into XH's house just once at the beginning at his insistence and left as soon as possible.

XH mostly wants to play "best friends" and acts as if there is nothing wrong...which in front of DS makes me look like the bad guy (which XH has told him anyway...he didn't want to leave, I made him, he didn't do anything wrong, the usual script...so it's always me putting boundaries in (not wanting to be hugged or touched, not wanting him to wander about the FMH as if he still lives there etc), so if I manage to enforce it, and I really do want to, I don't want to feel he has been in there at all, it will be hard won and he will make a huge fuss about it to DS and anyone else who will listen (his family and friends). But I need a new start, and the new house has to be the beginning of that. Thank you for your help and advice xx.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 03/11/2024 19:35

I wouldn't let him "show his dad his new room". He can show him a photo if he likes. Your ex is a boundary trampler, so you need cast-iron inviolable boundaries from the start. No compromising. I'd explain to your DS that it's your new home, that you and his dad have separate lives now and you don't belong in one another's homes.

Singleandproud · 03/11/2024 19:39

I just didn't open the door, would call through "just getting her shoes on" if he was earlier than expected then hold the door as she went out "Bye have a great day" and the same as she came in. When she asked to show dad her room I just said no and she dropped it. She could have taken a photo if she liked but wasn't interested.

OriginalUsername2 · 03/11/2024 19:41

My ex turned on the tears when I said no more coming in my house. You HAVE to be firm. Think of him as a business partner - the business is your son, you have no personal relationship.

buttonsB4 · 03/11/2024 19:47

You can say to your DS that when parents divorce they no longer go into each others homes and the FMH was different because (presumably) your ex once lived there, but the new rules will start at the new house.

Start as you mean to go on, no need for him to ever cross the threshold.

Get a chain for the front door, always open the door to your ex on the chain and if he's early, tell him to wait in the car/on the doorstep if DS isn't ready.

He'll stop turning up at the wrong time once he's wasted a few hours waiting.

outandunder · 03/11/2024 20:10

Buttons advice is just right.
Absolutely no movement on the rules, I'm sure your ex will have lots of tricks to try and catch you out but if you are consistent then he will get bored eventually. If you give in on this then the ex will be trying in on with the next thing he can scare/intimidate/embarrass you with.

Patienceinshortsupply · 03/11/2024 20:15

Don't let him in. It puts him at the advantage and you on the back foot.

Tell your DS that Daddy has to wait outside this house as he doesn't live here, and don't go back on it.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 03/11/2024 20:26

Patienceinshortsupply · 03/11/2024 20:15

Don't let him in. It puts him at the advantage and you on the back foot.

Tell your DS that Daddy has to wait outside this house as he doesn't live here, and don't go back on it.

This.
No "just the once".
Your son doesn't need all the details but he's old enough to understand that exh makes you uncomfortable and he won't be crossing the threshold of the new house, because that is your boundary and your safe space.
And if exh is telling lies about you you can counter with "well that's just silly. I've no idea why he would think that".

Singleandproud · 03/11/2024 20:32

Also, be sure to teach your children that other people can come in if they arrive early.

It took me quite a while to realize that DD also left her friends hanging around outside whilst she got her shoes on to walk to school and didn't invite them into the hallway despite the weather as to her that was normal and the only other people to call on us to go out were my parents that have a key and just let themselves in.

Potentialmadcatlady · 03/11/2024 20:32

Don’t let him. Pictures if needs be but don’t let him in to spoil the peace in your new home.
I was in similar position with similar sort of boundary pushing and bullying. When I got the keys to MY new home I told the kids that their Dad was not allowed in as it was my space and I didn’t expect to go into his space.
Simple, basic and firm and they respected that.
Oh the joy and peace of not having him trample in my life anymore.
If he turns up early he waits in car.
If he pushes things then you advise him you will go down non mol route if he continues.
Boundary pushers don’t like it when you hold firm but the right and law is on your side.

JanglyBeads · 03/11/2024 20:37

Yup, good advice above OP, You just hold the line, DS won't question it unless and until his dad starts on about it, at which point you just express surprise.

I managed it. He did quite a lot of waiting in the car, so sad.....

ZippyLimeSnake · 03/11/2024 20:39

I’ve been in this position, youngest was 3 at the time. & I was honest to an extent, I said that it was my home & I no longer wanted daddy to come into my home just like I wouldn’t go into daddy’s house. I’m in 2 minds about the bedroom, I would tell DC he can show his dad over FaceTime or similar. I wouldn't ever ever invite his dad in, if he turns up early that’s on him, he can wait outside or have your DC ready earlier than he’s due to come, so if his dad does turn up early all he will need to do is throw his shoes on.

RandomMess · 03/11/2024 20:42

I wouldn't even let him FaceTime and show the room. He can do a video and send that.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 03/11/2024 21:08

Arcadia · 03/11/2024 14:08

Hi I'm a family lawyer. I've not been asked this before but I would suggest you either get your son to show his bedroom via a video call with his Dad or takes a video then shows him, or that you prearrange one day for him just to come in for a few minutes to just see that room as a one off.
I would tell your son that people need private spaces, (this means that you are also reinforcing the idea of boundaries), and that you wouldn't go into his Dad's place either.
If he keeps arriving early, get him to wait in the car outside!

Perfect advice

TheSandgroper · 04/11/2024 06:30

What @buttonsB4 said. Because you don’t even want his smell in the house and, while you don’t say that to dc, it’s a perfectly good reason.

And, if he ever turns up early, he waits outside. Dc needs to be told this clearly.

TizerorFizz · 04/11/2024 06:41

So did ex get no share of your old house when you divorced? You got all of it in the financial settlement? I think you just have to explain to DS and have an earlier pick up.

Fargo79 · 04/11/2024 06:41

At 9 your son is old enough to understand "I don't want your dad in the house because it makes me uncomfortable. It's my private space". You don't need to give details.

I wouldn't let him in at all. No "just one time to see the bedroom". I'm sure at some point he will be Facetiming his dad and will get the chance to show him. I'd probably also make a rule about where video calls could happen (e.g. in your room or at the dining table) so your son isn't basically giving him a guided tour of the entire property.

If he turns up early, answer the door and say "DS will be ready at (agreed time) so please come back then". He'll stop doing it if he keeps getting turned away.

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