How to unpick separation with obstructive and unstable ExP -house and DC?

[PlantingInTheFullMoon]

STBXP has decided to call time on our relationship and wants to arrange the sale of our home asap. We are not married and have 2 DC (early tweens / teens, one of whom has high needs SEN). We own our house jointly, having always paid 50-50, with a very small amount left to pay on our mortgage. I earn marginally more than him (both modest public sector salaries). No debt. Apologies for long post, don't want to drip feed.

We have explored the idea of separation at various points ‐he usually 'snaps' once a year and declares it's over and that the house must be sold, but has second thoughts after a few days of stewing on it.

I have previously offered to try to buy him out as I could probably just about do this at a pinch, but he dismisses this out of hand. He's very clear ‐it would be too upsetting for him to be the one to move out if I remained with the DC.

Neither of us would be able to afford to buy a new place to house a family, following a split of proceeds from the sale of the house. P has accrued decent savings over the years and would probably be able to buy himself a small flat outright, using these and his half of the proceeds from the sale of our home. He is not in a position to get a mortgage at present. I would need to borrow further in order to afford a new home, even a tiny flat. And yes, while he has saved, I have covered expenses for the DC as he's found anything above what can be covered by child benefit (including necessary wraparound care, school activities, transport, expenses related to DC1's SEN etc) unnecessary and stressful to think about. More fool me, it has been seen as 'my expenses' on account of my higher earnings.

I'm desperate for the DC to stay in their home, to the point of offering to move out myself to rent a room nearby so they can all stay. A move would especially impact DC1 who would find the upheaval of a separation and a house-move devastating and, consistent with their disability, very hard to reconcile or understand, likely triggering a MH crisis. P does not want to be the resident parent though; his long running bouts of depression and anxiety have coloured all of our relationships and a large factor in his wanting out is that he feels isolated and peripheral in the family dynamic (very much his own doing), despite our concerted efforts to repair and rebuild over the years.

P is not able to centre the needs of the DC in this, despite loving them ‐he wants us to tell them right away, even though there are no plans or next-steps in place, despite this being against pretty much every recommendation. It's as if he can't comprehend the logistics and the impact, not least on himself ‐the smallest transition, change or expectation usually sees him spiral into an anxious loop of incapacity. I can't seem to convey to him that we need a plan which will ideally afford us both some stability and dignity, and most importantly, the means to provide two homes for the DC, before telling them, especially given both his and DC1's vulnerabilities.

My elderly parent would like to support somehow and has made suggestions which I worry would amount to a deprivation of assets or cause issues down the line: topping up my offer to buy P out in the hope it will 'sweeten the deal', or for me and DC to move in with DM and spend my half of the proceeds of the sale of our house on a small extension, or sell up and buy a new place together (her favourite idea). All very sincere and generous, but not knowing what her future holds, I worry about the implications in the event of her death or needing substantial care beyond what I would be able to offer, in the coming years. I also have a sibling.

It's so messy. I can't figure out whether P is actually 'just' punishing me for something and will rethink, buying me some time, or whether this is really 'it', now. Either way, I need a plan. Has anyone worked their way through something similar and has practical advice to share? Is DM's offer of support a red herring best avoided? How best to prepare vulnerable ASD teen for monumental upheaval? Anyone actually managed to persuade a reluctant XP to be bought out ‐how? Managed to secure borrowing through existing or new lender to this effect? Buying out P would be much cheaper than trying to buy somewhere new. I believe that I would need to pay child maintenance if I moved out and P stayed in the house with DC, even though he doesn't actually want to be the main parent?

Where to start?

So being so damn considerate and put your kids first. He ended it, he doesn't get a say where you live, and make sure you get at least half his savings.

You start by working out where you are going to live and by working g out how much money you have available or can borrow, in order to finance your accommodation

You don't get to take half your boyfriends money when you split up - it doesn't work like that

Ah, sorry, I missed it wasn't DH. You owe him even less then

Thank you. We're not married so have no claim on each other's savings or assets.

I'm only being considerate for DCs' sake. ExP has form for monumental breakdowns, including suicidal ideation, in times of transition and change during which literally everything is subordinate to his needs, including our DC. I really want to reduce the likelihood of this for their sakes.

Thank you. I know I should probably forget about trying to persuade him to let me buy him out, but it's so galling: for the last 20 years, his go-to at times of stress has been to be very vocal about wishing he wasn't tied down and how he feels suffocated by house and family. I feel like I'm offering him the best "out" he could wish for, to just slip out the backdoor with minimum fuss and enough money (an equal 50-50 split) to set himself up on his own. But he won't accept it.

What does he offer instead?

Would he entertain a few couples counseling sessions with the goal of agreeing on how to split? Sometimes it helps to have a neutral person in the room mediating.
You should also see a solicitor and probably a banker on your own to figure out the legal implications of your mother’s suggestions.

He wants us to put the house on the market this week, split the proceeds 50-50 and both get what we can with our equal shares; the very definition of a clean break. But not factoring in that we can't individually afford housing that is big enough to accommodate 2 DC. He won't even discuss what to do with the DC, just repeats he wants a 50-50 clean break, very "I'm alright, Jack!" as he knows he could afford a small flat of his own outright.
I cannot imagine he will want 50-50 custody of the DC though.

It sounds like the relationship is over but he wants you to facilitate the split. Going by your OP, you've been doing this for the family for years. The thing is, he can't demand anything, he's GOT to put the children first. Yes, this will inconvenience him, but currently his reluctance to engage is getting nowhere.
I'd sit him down with all the options - this is something you can't solve alone.

Have you pointed out that it may be much quicker for you to buy him out rather than put the house on the market and wait for a buyer?

Little, yes, I think I need solid financial and legal advice. I should have sought this years ago when the cycle of "that's it -it's over" began. But I've always hoped things would get easier with the DC growing older etc.
He quite enjoys therapy and counselling, but I think he'd be reluctant to engage with something that was specifically set up to mediate our separation along any other lines that his favoured 50-50 clean break model.

It is a money issue? Like he thinks the house will sell for much more than what you paid for it and you want to buy him out at the cost of half of the original price? So he thinks he will get much more money by selling the house and splitting the proceeds 50/50?

I think just stop pandering to his MH etc at this point. You need to draw a line under his shit and go into “No more Mrs Nice Guy” mode”.

Offer him the mediation regarding the split, if he says no then get a solicitor and crack on.

He’s manipulating you.

And so what if he turns around in a week or two and says “sorry, just kidding, it’s all okay”- Are you still going to take him back and allow this cycle to continue?

The man has quite clearly told you he has no interested in you or his children, no interest in ensuring you’re all secure and safe when you split, no interest in repairing things, no interest in staying well, no interest in the long term care of his children, no interest in anything apart from himself. No wonder he enjoys therapy, it’s the perfect environment for an emotionally unstable man with narcissistic traits.

I would force the issue of discussing the kids. He doesn’t get to put that conversation off until after the sale of the house.

@Harvestfestivalknickers, you're right, it's been this way for a long time, putting off the inevitable which hasn't always seemed a bad idea as he can also be a solid, thoughtful man who, as observed by family and friends, is great around the house and a reliable provider -they don't see the blaming, pedantry, anxious ruminating and endless catastrophising.

I would also say he's GOT to put the DC first, but he is weirdly capable of standing outside and above any expectations of 'doing the right thing' or following social conventions of decency and expected conduct ‐he can be a law unto himself. A bit like a toddler. I've learnt this in some astounding and shocking ways over the years.

I don't really understand how you can afford to buy him out of your existing house, but your 50% wouldn't be enough to buy a different house of the same size/same price.

I understand that you'd rather stay where you are for the children's sake, but you'll have the same amount of money to put towards the house whether its the existing one or an equivalent one. You might have to accept moving elsewhere to get the separation you want.

@LittleshopofTriffids, he's 'good' with money and is a paragon of frugality.
Our house, while having approximately doubled in value since we bought it, has not kept up with prices in our city due to non-standard construction type, so even though our remaining mortgage is negligible and could be paid off with joint savings today, the reality is that a sale would not generate enough cash for us both to walk away with enough to buy again.

@WhoOfWhoville , yep, that pretty much sums it up. I'm so over it.

Surely you could buy another equivalent non standard construction house?

There may not be any for sale in the same area.
I would be asking a lawyer about whether he can genuinely force a sale over you buying him out based on current market value of your specific house.
a paradigm of frugality who lets his partner pay for all their joint children’s necessary expenses while he accumulates savings is a financial abusive arsehole, not a role model.

Firstly, stop subbing him. He has built up savings at your expense. Tell him that whatever happens , he is going to have to pay for half of the DC's expenses, including childcare, starting today.
Secondly, get legal advice, and check how much you would be entitled to from him via CMS.
Thirdly, as he is clearly going to be difficult about money, claw back anything you can now, and don't pay for anything more for him.
I'm wondering how he doesn't currently have mortgage capacity when he has a cicl service job and substantial savings?
Once you have made sufficient enquiries to get a better picture of where you stand financially, then you can put your concerns re the DC to him, in writing. It sounds as if he will be better able to process this in writing rather than in the form of a conversation which requires immediate response. By concerns re the DC, I mean addressing their housing needs and everyday costs.
I wouldn't make any arrangements with your DM yet, or discuss it with the DC at this point.
But don't feel obliged to deal with DP's mental health issues any more, your priority has to be your DC and then yourself. It actually sounds as if he is using his mental health problems to manipulate you, so I don't feel at all sorry for him, and nor should you.

@mrsm43s I've looked into it, but it is increasingly hard to get mortgages on these types of construction. As a single applicant for a mortgage, with dependants, I have a narrow pool of potential lenders as it is. Our current lender looks like the best option, and would lend what I need to buy P out according to a fairly recent valuation.

I'm reconciled to moving; I am prepared to rent a room nearby if it means DC can stay in our house. DC1 ideally needs to remain in the area due to SEN special school placement.

Op have you made it clear that he'll get more money if you buy him out as you'll not have estate agents fees ect to pay? His half will be after all fees ect have been paid so it might be worth taking that tack.

I think you need to fight to stay for the kids. They need stability and you have the means to pay him his 50%. He's being totally unreasonable.

Stop letting him call the shots.