STBXP has decided to call time on our relationship and wants to arrange the sale of our home asap. We are not married and have 2 DC (early tweens / teens, one of whom has high needs SEN). We own our house jointly, having always paid 50-50, with a very small amount left to pay on our mortgage. I earn marginally more than him (both modest public sector salaries). No debt. Apologies for long post, don't want to drip feed.
We have explored the idea of separation at various points ‐he usually 'snaps' once a year and declares it's over and that the house must be sold, but has second thoughts after a few days of stewing on it.
I have previously offered to try to buy him out as I could probably just about do this at a pinch, but he dismisses this out of hand. He's very clear ‐it would be too upsetting for him to be the one to move out if I remained with the DC.
Neither of us would be able to afford to buy a new place to house a family, following a split of proceeds from the sale of the house. P has accrued decent savings over the years and would probably be able to buy himself a small flat outright, using these and his half of the proceeds from the sale of our home. He is not in a position to get a mortgage at present. I would need to borrow further in order to afford a new home, even a tiny flat. And yes, while he has saved, I have covered expenses for the DC as he's found anything above what can be covered by child benefit (including necessary wraparound care, school activities, transport, expenses related to DC1's SEN etc) unnecessary and stressful to think about. More fool me, it has been seen as 'my expenses' on account of my higher earnings.
I'm desperate for the DC to stay in their home, to the point of offering to move out myself to rent a room nearby so they can all stay. A move would especially impact DC1 who would find the upheaval of a separation and a house-move devastating and, consistent with their disability, very hard to reconcile or understand, likely triggering a MH crisis. P does not want to be the resident parent though; his long running bouts of depression and anxiety have coloured all of our relationships and a large factor in his wanting out is that he feels isolated and peripheral in the family dynamic (very much his own doing), despite our concerted efforts to repair and rebuild over the years.
P is not able to centre the needs of the DC in this, despite loving them ‐he wants us to tell them right away, even though there are no plans or next-steps in place, despite this being against pretty much every recommendation. It's as if he can't comprehend the logistics and the impact, not least on himself ‐the smallest transition, change or expectation usually sees him spiral into an anxious loop of incapacity. I can't seem to convey to him that we need a plan which will ideally afford us both some stability and dignity, and most importantly, the means to provide two homes for the DC, before telling them, especially given both his and DC1's vulnerabilities.
My elderly parent would like to support somehow and has made suggestions which I worry would amount to a deprivation of assets or cause issues down the line: topping up my offer to buy P out in the hope it will 'sweeten the deal', or for me and DC to move in with DM and spend my half of the proceeds of the sale of our house on a small extension, or sell up and buy a new place together (her favourite idea). All very sincere and generous, but not knowing what her future holds, I worry about the implications in the event of her death or needing substantial care beyond what I would be able to offer, in the coming years. I also have a sibling.
It's so messy. I can't figure out whether P is actually 'just' punishing me for something and will rethink, buying me some time, or whether this is really 'it', now. Either way, I need a plan. Has anyone worked their way through something similar and has practical advice to share? Is DM's offer of support a red herring best avoided? How best to prepare vulnerable ASD teen for monumental upheaval? Anyone actually managed to persuade a reluctant XP to be bought out ‐how? Managed to secure borrowing through existing or new lender to this effect? Buying out P would be much cheaper than trying to buy somewhere new. I believe that I would need to pay child maintenance if I moved out and P stayed in the house with DC, even though he doesn't actually want to be the main parent?
Where to start?