How do you cope with the prospect of being poorer?

[Helpagirlout222]

Separating from STBXH, his choice,but marriage not been great, I can see that.
I can also see some positives in not being with him.
But what I'm not dealing well with is the inevitable fact the kids and I are going to be financially worse off.
We're going to struggle in ways that we didn't have to before.
We're by no means rich now, I drive an old banger and we rarely go on holiday. But I also feel, for example, I can buy them a new pair of shoes, or give them a tenner to go out with friends without worrying too much about it.
Now I just see me having to work and work for years and years, have a shitty retirement. And actually it's not even that, it's the poor kids whose already fairly basic standard of living is going to decline.
It just makes me so angry! How do I get past this?

I hear you @Helpagirlout222 it’s ok to feel angry, you’re grieving a life you thought you had for ever. It’s like any loss, in time you’ll feel better and will move on and rebuild your new life and be happier with it. Time is the biggest healer.

Are you staying in the family home? You’ve said you can see there will be positives to separating, what do you feel these are? Can you focus on them and on planning how your home will be? There’s lots of cost of living threads and groups on SM, they might give some budgeting tips for now. Hopefully that might help you feel you’re not struggling too much.

But allow yourself to feel the anger and then in time you will move on from it, balance the positives with it and rebuild your new life with your dcs. It will hopefully bring you even closer as a team.

Very wise words @daisydalrymple thank you. I need to keep reminding myself of these things.
I just hope my DCs manage to get up and away and into something better.
I think I just want it all sorted now, whereas in reality it's going to take months if not years!

Kids and I are a good team, but I do fear they'll get resentful when I'm the one making them do all the chores and tell them we can't afford stuff.

What an odd comment. Of course everyone will be poorer, they will be running two households. OP will also have a disproportionate share of the kids costs. OP - it's tough, but you will find economies that help you get through and your freedom will feel priceless. Good luck with it.

I have a really good job but of course, there is simply half less money coming to the pot, there is nothing I can do about it. You can cut here and there but that will not help much. The truth is, it is not easy to live as a single especially if you have kids and that is that. Unfortunately, I do not think that there is anything you can do about it but accept it. Kids will grow up sooner then you think and make their own life. For now, you simply do the best you can and that will have to be enough. Hang in there OP, you can do it!

@Helpagirlout222 I know uni costs are worrying but it will be OK. They will get a loan based on your income, so presumably the max loan. They already have jobs which is great, they are saving and used to working. They may need to be careful about the accommodation they choose (and possibly even which city they go to) but many students do manage without a significant parental contribution. They may even decide to study locally. Don't think of the student loans as debt, the monthly repayment will be the same however much they borrow.

Thank you so much to the people who get it!
I'm going to find it hard that everything will be so hard! Esp when I didn't choose this.
But I will get used to it I'm sure.
We've never had loads of money, and have always split things 50/50 but I guess having dh there felt like a bit of security.
And now I feel there's no safety blanket there.

OP, I am struggling with the same thing. I caught STBXH cheating on me last year and we have now split. I went part-time (and seriously dented my career prospects tbh) to look after the kids while he had the big job. I hate the fact that the children and I will be poorer because he had a midlife crisis - I would never have chosen to split, although I put up with a lot in terms of him being useless with the kids and around the house. I am now faced with a dilemma of moving to a new area so I can still have a house with a garden where the kids don’t have to share a room or staying where I am (with my support network) and living somewhere tiny. I hate him for doing this to us.

Fortunately I clung onto a decent job and can increase my hours to increase income, although I have been on the mummy track for too long to ever get the “big” promotion I should be going for now. I never thought I would have to worry about retirement but now I am stressing over the size of my pension pot (although I am only early 40s so have time to sort that, but still it will be a very different retirement from the one we had planned). It is so hard being the only one doing it all. Good luck - you will get through this.

Maybe once you’re over the shock and have settled into your new normal, start thinking about how you’d like your future to look. Build up your network / support around you and make sure you keep up with any hobbies / interests (or develop new ones), so you’ve got a life once your dcs go to uni / start working, so that transition is easier and you don't have to start again for a 3rd time.

Shoulda woulda coulda. Nobody can make him.

OP, the only thing I could do was work on my career. I've doubled my salary in the past couple of years but it doesn't sound like that's an option for you.

I agree with pp that your STBXH should be meeting at least half of the uni costs.

I hope you’re getting a fair settlement … half of everything including pension values and house ?

I split with my ex just over 2 years ago. I had to remortgage to pay him off. So I’ve been considerably poorer for the past 2 years but I’ve been able to work more and it’s lovely to come back to a house which is mine and he’s not in it !

Definitely worth it.
I’m near retirement age too. It means I can’t retire when I originally planned to but I’ve just accepted that. There are more positives in my life without him now so it doesn’t seem to matter that much.

So disingenuous, it's pretty obvious what she's saying, you just seem to want to put the boot in.

And the "just get paid more" responses, oh okay then, good job that's so easy.

I found I managed better with less as I didn't have a partner who would spend on unnecessary things. Moneysavingexpert is good for doing a financial audit. I swtiched utilities, lowered my council tax and water bill, cancelled subscriptions, use cashback sites, used a spending tracker app etc. Also section on uni costs so you can estimate what would be needed. My dc got full loans and bursaries based on my wage - which means they have massive debt but had enough money at uni. Your ex should pay towards uni costs as part of settlement. You will also find you spend less when they are at uni on food and surprisingly my water bill is much lower! My dc dont resent me they have actually turned out to be very appreciative as they have seen how hard I've worked and how I prioritised them with what I did have (unlike their Dad who only prioritised himself).

One idea is the kids take a gap year before uni and work for most of it (say 8-9 months and then some travel?) as that gives them decent spending money for year 1 at least.

keep good records of your spending on them you can push ex for money to help them (uni train fares etc all add up)

i find with teens that if you manage expectations they cope better eg ‘this is our budget for a holiday this year any ideas?’

good luck with it op you are definitely not alone in this experience

To everyone saying he will have to contribute to Uni costs, well yes in an ideal world but you can’t make him. My useless ex (who cheated for years) is on a mid 6 figures salary and currently paying £200 a month towards DD1’s Uni. My mum has had to step in to cover the shortfall on what I can afford to contribute. It makes me furious but there is nothing I can do about it - and yes, she has a job but that’s not the point, he could easily afford to pay more. He just doesn’t want to

One idea is the kids pay for uni themselves. It's not that unusual. My DD is.

Thank you all. It is heartening to know others have got through this. I really do think he'll support through uni...but also I really didn't think he was having an affair or planning to leave me a few weeks ago, so who knows! DC will definitely work, and I think my mum will possibly contribute a little bit if I ask her. I'm aware going down to one income is good in terms of student funding.
My job is fairly fixed in terms of earning potential, however on the flip side it is fairly secure, more than possibly a private sector job would be.
I am hopeful that as someone mentioned above, my budget will decrease a bit now that I'm in full control and 1 person down...I think any savings there will be cancelled out by higher mortgage payments though.
I really appreciate all the replies.

I think some of the anger comes from having to re-adjust what you thought you future would look like. We were working hard towards being mortgage free in our 50s and able to travel as the kids would have been adults. Now the house equity has to go two ways and we will both be stretched and retirement is a long way off. I think finances are a big reason people stay in unhappy marriages. It's especially frustrating if it was through the exs choice or actions (ours was at least mutual ish and im grateful to be young enough to move on and still have a happy independent life).

Yes that's exactly it, the future looks unrecognisable now, and feels like it's been taken out of my hands.

Just to say if your DC have a decent relationship with their Dad and also understand your financial situation then I've found mine actually fairly quickly understood that Dad had more spare cash than me and tend to ask him to contribute for ad hoc expenses rather than me. So give your DC what you can afford and they can ask Dad for the rest for eg uni.

The OP's situation is exactly why I think people on MN should be slightly slower to call 'LTB' (with the obvious exception of cases of abuse and DV). Leaving a relationship is a big life decision and needs to be considered in the round, rather than cheerleading it on with cries of 'Better to be poor and happy!'.

But anyway, @Helpagirlout222 I hope that your ex does prove to be reliable. In the meantime, I strongly suggest that you begin to look into sources of funding for your DD that are outside the normal round of student finance. There are lots of trusts, charities and funds that support students in higher education, but often people are simply not aware of them!

Consider:

Funds in your local area - an example is https://www.rplc.org.uk/education-support but there are similar funds in many parts of the country. There are even funds for people with a particular surname!

Funds connected to the subject that DD might want to study

Funds connected to your own profession - I think you said you were in healthcare? These might not be right but give the idea.
https://rcnfoundation.rcn.org.uk/apply-for-funding/hardship-grants
http://www.cavell.org.uk/
Charitable funding and other sources of help | Financial Wellbeing | Member Support Services | Royal College of Nursing

Funds connected to your family's trade or profession (parent or even grandparent). There are charities and trusts for dozens of trades.

Thank you!

I'm a bit wary of "ask your dad for the money" as I don't want to end up being the bad guy and him being the wonderful one that buys them all the stuff! But I certainly do intend to take advantage of that where I can. He has more money, which just isn't fair.

Great advice re funding (sorry I can't seem to tag people), I must investigate this.