How do you cope with the prospect of being poorer?

[Helpagirlout222]

Separating from STBXH, his choice,but marriage not been great, I can see that.
I can also see some positives in not being with him.
But what I'm not dealing well with is the inevitable fact the kids and I are going to be financially worse off.
We're going to struggle in ways that we didn't have to before.
We're by no means rich now, I drive an old banger and we rarely go on holiday. But I also feel, for example, I can buy them a new pair of shoes, or give them a tenner to go out with friends without worrying too much about it.
Now I just see me having to work and work for years and years, have a shitty retirement. And actually it's not even that, it's the poor kids whose already fairly basic standard of living is going to decline.
It just makes me so angry! How do I get past this?

You could always work on improving your financial situation, is promotion/extra hours/a change of career an option for you?

Get a bettter job? I left my exh and the relief wax incredible. We have less money yes, but are much happier. The UC system tops up my salary. Get your kids on pupil prem- free school meals and free uniform etc.
When he pays maintenance you will be fine.

Make sure you get your due though. In terms of pension sharing and true 50:50. But yes I am “poorer” now than I was. Still relatively speaking not struggling per se but to me it’s worth it to be free of him

I work FT already, and have progressed as far as my qualifications allow, so the only option would be a 2nd job, which I feel might break me. My health is not great so I'm already quite daunted at not being able to retire for so many years.
I am able to live frugally and as I say I don't mind it for me as such. I am just furious at being forced into it and so angry on my kids behalf.

Sorry should have said also they are teens and I am so worried about uni costs.

A lot might change. You might meet someone else in time. Life is full of unknowns. I would try not to be too distressed by the future - do the best you can for now, and see what happens.

Now I just see me having to work and work for years and years, have a shitty retirement. And actually it's not even that, it's the poor kids whose already fairly basic standard of living is going to decline.It just makes me so angry! How do I get past this?
It's making you angry you'll need to work?
Why will their standard of living decline, will their dd not pay maintenance for them?
If they are teens and want stuff... they get jobs?

@DoreenonTill8 yes of course they have jobs. We don't live in any fancy way just now.
Ex will contribute bare minimum, which is less than he contributed when we lived together. So I will have more outgoings and and less of a contribution towards them. He will have a nicer standard of living.
It wasn't my choice to do this. I accept the facts but am just looking for ways to make peace with it.

I'm not angry that I'll need to work, but previous plan was to reduce hours closer to retirement time and generally have a nice old age to look forward to!

If you have heath issues look into claiming PIP. It doesn’t affect whether you can work or not and isn’t means tested. Yes you’ll hear lots of horror stories about how difficult it is to claim it successfully etc etc but you’ve got nothing to lose by trying.

I completely get why you feel pissed off and disappointed, on your behalf aswell as for your kids.

Try not to look too far ahead though, you might meet someone else at some point, or find other positives of being single. I hear you that it's daunting though.

I’m a couple of years down the line in similar but slightly different circumstances- one DC who is a bit younger. Split was mutual (I’d argue he left me no choice).
Yes, it is not easy being a single parent. XH is involved with DC but doesn’t spend that much time with her, I do the majority of the parenting. I’ve cut back wherever I can. I would say make sure you are getting any child benefit owed and go on to entitledto.com - you may be eligible for some benefits and help with things like council tax depending on your income. This can help. Also if you are eligible for universal credit you can get certain discounts like water and broadband deals.
My divorce actually pushed me to look for a better job - I got promoted and work better hours. Also DD is actually getting a better idea of the value of money now. I did push back when I’d told her things were difficult financially and she said that to her Dad. He questioned ‘where his maintenance went’. I explained I wasn’t pushing for any extra but she (and he!) needed to understand the mortgage and utilities have gone up, cost of everything has increased and I can’t just buy whatever the second she asks for it.
It does smart that he can afford new tattoos, TV, multiple holidays this year while I’ve been struggling (better off since I got my promotion/payrise) but I’d rather be out of a miserable marriage and skint that stuck with a miserable sod forever!
Do check out entitledto and claim anything you can, it could help.

@Pigeonqueen thank you that's something I hadn't thought about - I wouldn't qualify just now I don't think, but probably will as my health declines.

Thank you for understanding (I'm on the app sorry so can't scroll back up to check names). It's so daunting and makes me angry. I feel like in life I'm always striving towards improving things and looking to a brighter future and now that's gone.

Re uni costs, he should be paying until they leave.

@ThisWormHasTurned sorry, cross posts, thank you.
I think I will feel better maybe when I have a figure..it's all speculation at the moment due to the stage we're at. I know he likes his material things and isn't likely to scrimp on himself, whereas I see a lifetime of scrimping ahead!
If I was healthier I'd feel more confident about increasing my earning potential but it's not possible just now.

It’s not that simple though, is it? If it was, everyone would just get a better job.

I am very fortunate to have quite a high paying job but as a lone parent my career has really suffered. It’s hard enough to work full time as lone parent - doing extra is almost impossible for most.

The relief of no longer having to be married to him more than made up for it. What price happiness and no abuse?

We grew up with very little money available but I’m actually very glad I had that childhood and even though my parents didn’t shield me from the pressures of it well.

Growing up without money has given me the knowledge that, come what may, I can handle life and everything it throws at me. I’m not saying I’d find it easy but I learned from my mother how to make do with very little and that is an extremely important life skill that children with comfortable childhoods don't learn.

I also think it gave me an incentive to get myself into a good job where I wouldn’t worry about money. I also recognise the value of money, how many people who have it think they’re better than those who don’t. They’re not. Another lesson I’m so glad I learned young.

Don’t despair, OP! Good things might actually come from this, even if it’s not obvious now.

Thanks all

My mentioning people thing doesn't seem to be working, but vivideye I've always felt v similar to you, I was raised that way too and always felt quite proud of it. However now I think I'm tired, old, have worked hard for a long time and just wish I was comfortable!
Dc definitely have good money mind sets but again I'm just so weary for them that they have to live like that.

@unsync I didn't want to not be married!

It is hard. Not sure why people don’t understand that for the vast majority of divorcing people they are worse off simply from having to split into two households,

even where there is money people have to adapt to a change

i was fortunate to earn well and we had enough assets but even then I had to downsize from lovely large 5 bed ( and guilt with kids on that - they didn’t care ) and now had to budget for things rather than just buy and actually all the things we’d planned in retirement or when I’d be able to retire etc changed. It’s hard and does need a new mindset.

once you work through and finalise figures things will become clearer and a new path will emerge. Focus on that and the bright future you have and in years to come you’ll probably look back and say it was the best thing - you just can’t see it now and that takes time.

That is a daunting situation and try to ignore those ‘wise’ people who question why you just can’t earn more. 🙄It’s pretty easy in some sectors where there are inbuilt opportunities for overtime (healthcare comes to mind) or a skills shortage so more work could be found fairly easily (some areas of IT?), but that’s certainly not the case everywhere. Wages are pretty stagnant in many sectors and according to the ONS advertised vacancies have been falling in the last few months.

Have you explored doing something self-employed on the side? This could be as simple as buying and selling on Ebay. Or buying on a cheaper site like Vinted then reselling on Depop or similar. Crucially, it can all be done from home apart from taking stuff to the parcel shop. If you earn over a certain amount you will need to do a tax return, but that’s pretty straightforward and nothing to put you off.

It will be hard but I don’t see the point in planning for Uni now - your children will get maintenance grants / loans based on your income.
They can receive top ups from their dad; they can choose to stay locally or to work - in short you will have to see how it plays out. They’ll get extra if they have siblings at Uni too. Your ex’s income won’t count. They can apply for hardship grants.
I’d focus on your budget now - I downsized to an ex council house and had a child use the dining room as a bedroom. Never let yourself get into debt and encourage the teens to ask their dad for extras like school trips. Only provide the basics - if they want designer wear then they pay for it. Teens tend to grift but you can’t allow that!

Thank you all. It is so hard. Uni is this time next year so weighing heavily on my mind.
My current income is v fixed. I don't want to be too specific here but it's public sector, fixed scale and I'd have to retrain to go higher. It's just not possible at the moment. Maybe once kids are older but then i have health issues to weigh up too.
I have to just accept it all, but it's making me very angry and scared. Debt seems inevitable and it's something I've never really had.
Friends in similar situations have been bailed out by parents and that's not an option either.

My ex was very controlling with money so although there was more income coming into the household it was never mine to spend. We have less now but it is ours to choose how we spend it. The peace is far more valuable. The next step is to sell the family home and buy something that is just mine, it will be a stretch but a massive relief. I am very open with my children, they have to work and they have to contribute (only a little but its a great life skill for them).