Am I being unfair?

[ThisMintBiscuit]

Ok so I have a question.
I have 2 children from a previous relationship that I have been taking to their dads every 2 weeks on a Saturday and he or his fiancé bring them back on the Sunday. I travel with them on the train and it takes about 3 hours return journey. On the odd occasion it takes longer or wait times are ridiculous my current partner will take them in the car. This is a 2 hour return trip. If for whatever reason I can’t get them to their dads then he refuses to come and see them/get them.
I have a young child with my current partner and I’m pregnant with his 2nd. In the new year I am planning on telling my ex partner that he will have to travel to see my 2 eldest as I don’t think it is fair that I will have to travel all that way with a toddler and a newborn and I don’t believe my 2 youngest should be travelling all that way either. My current partner will be working more so will be unavailable to take the eldest to their dads. Am I right to say this? I feel he is just going to refuse to see them unless I bring them as he currently does this anyway.

Who moved away?

All depends who moved away. It is their responsibility to facilitate the travel.

Yep, it’s up to the person who moved to actively facilitate (I.e. put the hard yards in), whoever that may be.

As above, if he moved he facilitates travel, if you moved you do.

He moved first and then we moved.

You’ll need to provide more detail. How far away did he move, and then how far away did he move on top of that?
ie, did he move 2 hours or 15 minutes away in the first instance? Very relevant.

How old are the dc.? From secondary school age my dc mostly traveled between the 2 homes themselves via bus or train. Lived about an hour away..

I think if you both moved then sharing the journey 50/50 sounds fair. You having a new baby shouldn’t impact negatively on your dc relationship with their father.

is there a reason it don’t drive? Longer term, that would make your life much simpler, if possible.

I don’t drive simply cant afford to learn to drive. Their dad was learning to drive but stopped when we split as his new gf could drive and he was advised if he could drive he would have to do the drop off/pick ups. So he moved like 10 mins away from the house we was together in but stayed at his gfs house which was an hour away and made it so I had to take them to his gfs house not his as he was never home. They have only just officially moved in together 3 months ago but he’s been living with her for 5 years. We moved 2 years ago an hour away from the original home. The children are aged 11 and 12.

Have you asked your children how often they want to go and see their dad? This is because they are 11+

If the 12 year old will be 13 by the time you have your baby then it's important to get their view on seeing their other parent.

They’re getting to the age that they can be put on a train by you and collected by your ex if they’re NT.

Also to add the past 3 weekends they have been they have only seen their dad for a few hours as he has chosen to work. So they stayed with his fiancé.

How old are the children?
Can you drive? Is the travel part of a court agreement for contact.

It isn't reasonable to change established child contact arrangements due to decisions you have made (to have more children).

A court would view your older children seeing their dad as important and something you should priortise.

Did you ex object to you moving? If he didn't on the basis that you agreed to share the journey then I think a court would be less sympathic to you as you are changing the agreement.

Ultimately a judge could decide that seeing both parents is so important that they enforce a travel schedule that you are not happy with.

If you refused to comply and a court decided you were unreasonable they could decide a change of residency would be a better solution. Upshot is make sure you are not seen as breaking contact with their father. Look for solutions and go to mediation if necessary.

That's not what is been asked. You or their dad can use any appropriate adult to look after them when they are with either of you.

What has been asked is what is their view on seeing their dad? They are old enough to have an opinion on it.

So where you used to live is half way? Meet there.

Ultimately, your circumstances shouldn't mean you two eldest are punished and it's not fair to expect their dad to do all the traveling to suit the choices you've made for yourself.

You'll need to find a way. I agree they shouldn't be too far off being able to travel on their own.

How easy is the journey by train, your DC are of an age where they could travel there on their own. I agree with a toddler and a newborn, travelling for 3 hours every 2 weeks isn’t going to be easy.

Probably not helpful but I cannot compute "I can't afford to learn to drive" with "I'm having my fourth child"

Your dc are court recognised of age to decide if they go or not. If ex is working dc can decide to quite rightly stay home. Help them adjust to using public transport for when they choose to see df.

As the Dad sees them so little and therefore takes on so little of the day to day tasks, such as school runs, homework etc, morally I think it should be on him.

However, you have stated that the reason you haven't learnt how to drive is because you don't have enough money and yet you've had another DC and are pregnant with a fourth and you moved further away.

If you have enough money to support four children for 18 years plus University if they want to go etc, then you definitely have enough to learn to drive and if you don't, why are you brining another child into poverty? This will affect your existing 3 DC as well.

Clearly your ex isn't prioritising his DC, but by having further children that you can't afford, you are making your existing DC's life more difficult than it needs to be.

You should do one journey each.

Your current partner should look after the youngest two children (his children) whilst you are doing your drop off / pick up.

My partner drives I’d rather use the money on my child than on me driving when one of the parents already does drive.

Maybe tell him if the dc felt welcomed and missed they may feel the urge to try a train journey themselves..

This is what we currently do but my partner will be working more in the new year. I have spoke to child’s dad about possibly moving weekends around if need be or drop them down but he doesn’t communicate very well with me.

He is difficult to speak to. They are reluctant to go most weekends because he isn’t there.