dividing children’s stuff

[wishihadcake]

Finally divorcing my emotionally abusive husband. I’m leaving the FMH & he’s arguing I can take nearly nothing because our child has to have everything familiar in his home & I can’t wreck that. I think as I will have our child 50/50 (& v likely more…he’s never done anywhere near that) this is wrong. Toys & books don’t belong to him or me but to our child I think? So saying I need to take half the toys etc is not about what I want but about our child. I also think he will need familiar things in his home with me. (Not even getting into the fact I bought many of the things, did the playing and the reading & he did not!). I feel like I don’t care if he wants to be petty about our things but I need to protect our child’s things a bit. That’s right isn’t it? What do I say and how do I deal with this?

Also what about things that were gifts? He’s demanding I leave things I was given for birthdays years before we met.

Agree with you. You could even argue if you'll be furnishing a new home for the kids then they need more of their old stuff in it to feel settled.
Is settling the kids his priority though or is he more focussed on annoying you?
Also agree what's yours is yours - anything gifted to you or that you bought for yourself either before or after you met remains yours.
Good luck hope you're all settled soon.

In all honesty I wouldn't let him have this control over you. Just buy new toys and books for your child. Christmas is coming up, have you friends and family bring your child's gifts to your new home.

Thanks. He’s absolutely trying to control me and that’s his priority. But I think I need to express that in a way that puts my emotions about that aside.

He’s abusive. This is a ridiculous comment.

I hadn’t thought of it like that.
It is certainly about control.
But I think my child will really miss his actual stuff and won’t be satisfied with new things or replacements. He’s very attached to things.

It's always about control with men like this. Is there any way he can gradually bring them with him each time?

I don’t think my ex will let him. He controls everything.

How about you buy copies of things he's already got and eg with cuddly toys replace them slowly one by one so that he ends up with two versions one for each house?

Fucking ridiculous

Wait until he is out and pack up the things you think your DS will need most. Maybe get a friend to collect them.

I would bet even money your soon to be ex won't even notice.

Agree. Just take what you want, he probably won't even notice.

He notices anything I move or try to throw away. It’s been a huge problem.

I will for many things & a couple of bedtime cuddly toys will move between homes. But there are things that are precious to my son that can’t be replaced I want him to feel his home with me is home from the start.

He will, because you are there. You are his primary carer, the person he can rely on, as long as you are there he is safe.

He will feel like with you is his home because you're there - you can go and choose new stuff together and make it fun and special like a trip to Ikea or somewhere and then get excited about setting it all up. He'll be fine if you position it as exciting and a treat just don't let him know you're upset and he'll be excited then xx

Honestly it sounds more upsetting for your son to have his things divided between homes as part of a battle with his parents. I can't imagine how emotionally damaging it would have been for me as a child if when my parents divorced they started dividing my belongings between them too.

I understand you want the sentimental bits and for your son to feel like your new house is his home from the start - but you can do that by preparing it with things you know he'll like and you just being there will help make it feel like home.

Thanks for this perspective.
He doesn’t know we are arguing over it all and hopefully never will.
But I feel he has a right to this things, pictures he’s drawn etc, in both homes.
I won’t push this if it becomes a battle, but don’t feel I can let it go. I’ve already let a lot go that’s mine - most of what we slowly built up over years & which I did all the cleaning and maintaining and repairs to - but feel differently about my child’s sentimental things.

I agree with you but I also think don’t argue with your ex over it. Let him keep them and take one or two things, not to let him ‘win’ but to simply say you are prepared to fight on this or show that you’re upset by it

i also think it will be good to get new things, make it exciting, let him chose a few new things

You’ll also likely find that he won’t actually be as bothered about these toys as you are despite seemingly being so at the moment!my own kids had one or two staple favourites ( teddy) but there’s was very random and changeable at any time!

oh and once you’ve moved, each time your child comes to you, get him to pack a toy which never then makes it back …..

@wishihadcake

How old is your child? If they're fairly young they're such incredible artists, they'll have new drawings and artwork all the time!

New things will eventually become his things and he will associate them with you, your home and being happy with you. Your DC will naturally probably turn up with a toy or two packed when they're splitting time between your home and the other, they can always be kept too.

Agree your dc will be fine, it’s just stuff. I left with almost nothing, although dc did gradually bring things back themselves when they left his to come back to mine.
the only thing I’m sad about is the family photos, he’s still saying he’ll give me copies on a hard drive but I can’t show how much it means to me otherwise he’ll enjoy dangling it. I managed to get duplicates of some photo books so that’s good.

you’re doing an amazing thing, stuff is just stuff. Try and reason with him but if he’s anything like my xH you won’t get anywhere

Take all your personal possessions, half of your DC's stuff and half of any joint possessions if you want/need them. Be scrupulously fair. It's 50-50.

If he tries to stop you physically, call the police and press assault charges.

Otherwise he cannot tell you what to do. You're not a couple anymore.

Have you actually read OPs original post? Why are you suggesting reconciliation with an abusive husband? You should be ashamed of yourself.

If you do not understand emotional abuse or other forms of abuse, go and educate yourself on the impact it has, but do not tell someone to stay in an abusive relationship.

WTAF. 😳 for godsake have you read the OP or just launched in with your stupid comments?

OP can you have someone with you when you move what you’d like to or do it when your ex is out at work.