dividing children’s stuff

[wishihadcake]

Finally divorcing my emotionally abusive husband. I’m leaving the FMH & he’s arguing I can take nearly nothing because our child has to have everything familiar in his home & I can’t wreck that. I think as I will have our child 50/50 (& v likely more…he’s never done anywhere near that) this is wrong. Toys & books don’t belong to him or me but to our child I think? So saying I need to take half the toys etc is not about what I want but about our child. I also think he will need familiar things in his home with me. (Not even getting into the fact I bought many of the things, did the playing and the reading & he did not!). I feel like I don’t care if he wants to be petty about our things but I need to protect our child’s things a bit. That’s right isn’t it? What do I say and how do I deal with this?

Mine wanted some of their things at both houses. They would have been upset if they couldn't have that. I think if he is amenable to logic the argument from PP that in the new and different house he'll actually need his things more is very valid. The family home is a familiar environment that feels comfortable and safe to him already. I'd be getting some of it out beforehand, put it in storage or leave with family, not just his things but favourite drawings and mothers day cards and any other keepsakes you have. I wouldn't engage or battle. XH actually wouldn't let the kids take much stuff to his house, which upset them and if he ends up with what he feels are too many clothes or teddies he sends them back. It's really not good either way. To me they're my kids things and they should be able to have them at whichever house they want. We split furniture roughly 50/50, but I've been replacing it when I can, and I feel better seeing things that don't remind me of my abusive ex and bad things.

Thank you, this is v much how I’ve been thinking but you’ve expressed it much better. I agree about leaving furniture & mutual things that anyway remind me of bad times but not about my son’s things. My son isn’t yet old enough to decide where he wants things so I think I need to fight for him If I can.

One more question: my STBX expressed all this to me in an email which the more I read it, the more abusive it seems (very sweary & angry, full of accusations, no threats though). Is there value to logging this with the police? It feels over the top but at the same time it’s quite scary. We are all still living in the house.
If I should log it, how do I do it and do I tell him I’ve done it?

My ex said the same. I left, had one hour to pack what I could and thought he would be reasonable. Now months on and the children have nothing besides a few books and teddies I packed. Every other toy is at the jointly owned home that he still lives in and he's told me I won't get a thing.

My advice, if I could go back and do it differently- Would be to set a date you're moving out, don't tell him, when he's at work go in and remove 50% of everything. Never go back. He may take you to small claims court but he won't get far.

Your child deserves 50% of their belongings, you deserve items that you brought into the relationship, they do not count as 50%.

My ex has now changed the locks, even though we jointly own the home. He refused mediation, refuses my offer to buy him out, won't give me an offer to buy me out, won't sell to a third party. Every step with the children, the house, the belongings is about control.

But, be warned. If you did follow my advice he will lose it and his behaviour may escalate as he has lost control.

If I could I'd hire a van tomorrow and grab my children's belongings and our memory items including all the last photos I have of my dad. Don't let him control the situation. Good luck.

depending on the child's age.
can you take photo's of the art work and put together a small photo book?
pick your battles but equally plan.
do you have a lawyer involved? if so your gifts and clearly some items clearly are yours. if the police need to attend on your move day so be it.

OP - how are you doing your financials split?
Usually - home content split is agreed in chattels in the agreement - same document
where all the other asset divisions are listed.
So - email is his wish list, not the reality you have tp agree to.
If he wants to keep all the furniture - for eg - you can ask that he compensates for half of the value of it from other assets.
As to personal belongings - say gifts you received - all that needs to be catalogued and split agreed item by item - or by category…
It can, of course, get quite tedious and lead to arguments.

Your child being small may be a blessing - as he will form new attachments to new toys as he grows up.

Generally though - in the immediate aftermath - you’ll need to be creative and divide some, double up on some, get the most precious ‘support animals’ to travel between houses.

I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you @BookArt. Thank you for your advice.
@GildedRage & @jsku yes I have a lawyer who is helping with the finances & big stuff but the issues are coming with small things which we’d agreed to work out between us. If I have to get the lawyer involved, though, I will.