Self care during separation

[Whiskyfromsmallglasses]

Hi I'm currently going through a separation from my husband. We had been together 23 years, married 8. One ds age 13. It came as complete shock he left during the night and I woke up to a text message that he had been having an affair.

This was just last weekend. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a mess and barely functioning. I'm looking for any and all advice of how to take care of myself. Any stories of people who have been or are in the same situation.

I just need to know that this will get better because at the moment I don't think I've ever been so low.

I promise you’ll recover. Took me 18 months. A year to stop reeling from the shock. The ‘Runaway Husbands’ book, website and private Facebook page helped me, as did a new hobby. I am 5 years on now and life is good. It was important for me to stay on good terms with my exH (we have 2 dc), and we are. I am very happy in a new relationship now. I thought my life was over back then, but it was just the beginning of a new chapter. https://www.runawayhusbands.com. The stages she outlines are spot on in my experience.

Yes I agree with you there I want this to remain amicable and be on good terms for the sake of my son. He's the only reason I'm getting out of bed at the moment

It's perfectly natural you are feeling awful at the moment, but remember to eat decent food, get plenty of sleep and try not to overdo the alcohol.

Not eating will just make you feel weak, weepy and worse.

What helps you relax? Bath? Yoga? A long walk? A weights session? Follow it up with a hot milky drink before bed and try to get some rest.

I retreated to early bed and watched box sets while drinking cocoa. If I was weepy, no-one had to witness it. And I got more sleep than I had expected. I hope you feel more in control soon.

I'm struggling with sleeping if I'm honest

Thank you to the people that have replied.

I sometimes wonder why I bother with this site. Somebody posts about something mundane like how many calories are in a fucking happy meal and others ask for genuine advice and they get a couple of replies at best

I'm a week ahead of you in an almost identical situation.
If it helps I feel so much better than I did a week ago. Get medication from the GP if you can't sleep.
Good luck, it's so shit

I'm looking for any and all advice of how to take care of myself

Somebody posts about something mundane like how many calories are in a fucking happy meal and others ask for genuine advice and they get a couple of replies at best

The problem here is that there really is only the one answer. Find ways to sleep, eat and exercise. We are all different in what we need to achieve those three ie some like a milky drink before sleep, others like a bath, or reading or watching TV in bed. Only you know which you prefer but the bottom line is eat, sleep, exercise. I'm sorry you are hurting and I wish there was a magic wand to wave it all away but unfortunately only time will help. Until then just keep plodding on

Hello, I’ve been in a similar situation, also with a son. I’d say don’t put yourself under any pressure to do too much. Look after yourself and your son. Everything else can wait. One day at a time. Ask for support and help from close friends and family.

It’s a huge shock. Don’t feel you have to make any big decisions immediately.
If you aren’t up to talking to him, if he gets in touch, then that’s fine, you do things at your own pace and remember he’s had longer to know what’s going on. It takes time and I don’t think there’s a way around apart from little steps, but you will get through even though it probably feels like you don’t know how.
I was in your position a couple of years ago and I promise it does get better.
I found so many kind people and just being open about what’s happening can lead to so much kindness and support, often from unexpected places.

I’m still in a similar limbo (still living with my STBXH although hope to be out in a few weeks; I filed for divorce at the start of the year) & a few things are helping me: I more or less stopped drinking. Sometimes I go out with a friend and have a drink but nothing at home. I definitely feel stronger for it. I joined a gym and do basic strength classes & getting physically stronger has made me feel emotionally stronger. I’ve tried to make nice plans both now and for later so I’ll decide to go for a walk at lunchtime tomorrow & will enjoy looking forward to the walk as well as the actual walk. More long term I have a Pinterest board of what I hope my life might look like in a year or two, from silly things like a colour I might paint a wall to bigger things. I am having counselling which helps a lot. I’m spending time with family and close friends who know but not necessarily talking about it. I keep failing to cook properly so have started making lists of recipes I want to try and making myself cook new things & will ramp this up when I move. My STBXH is v controlling over what food we have & I am trying to rediscover my own tastes so I just started buying the honey I like etc. & I am doing the same with what I am reading & TV; just trying to rediscover myself and what I like in small ways seems to be having quite a big impact. I am spending a lot of time with my child and trying to be present &, again, trying to do things my STBXH has always blocked or made fun of. I’m trying to wear soft comfortable clothes, as if I am wrapping myself up. I am struggling with work but have been trying to use this moment of change to look at what might change at work as well.
Hope some of this is helpful for you.

I’m 7 years down the line from you. It definitely gets better, I’d allow yourself to feel all your emotions, all of them are normal.

Try not to use alcohol as a coping mechanism if that’s something you do.

i got anti depressants and focused on hobbies, mainly swimming. On my sudden child free weekend I would swim every day for hours, the pool was often empty and I could have space to think and then treat myself to a sauna and steam. I’d feel exhausted after and it would help me to fall asleep.

i did lots of reading mumsnet and many recommended books and learnt finally about relationships and boundaries and abusive men. I really grew during that period.

i also managed to have a lot of fun with my kids and friends. Had a friend with benefits which was a great distraction over the divorce period.

Promise you won’t feel like this forever.

I’m sorry you felt frustrated by the lack of replies/support. I think that it’s easy to reply to simple posts like calorie request but yours is a lot more complex. I think just getting through each day should be your focus for now. If you are struggling to eat try light tasty meals, smoothies etc just to try and get some calories in, if you are struggling to sleep then prioritise rest, listen to podcasts, audiobooks etc and don’t put pressure on yourself to sleep. I think exercising in some way is a great idea, even if this is just walks in the fresh air. Things will improve but for now focusing on the basics is the best thing you can do for you and your son. Take care

There is lots of advice and support from people going through this on the 'struggling with separation' threads. I found the Runaway Husbands book helped a lot, and yours sounds like a runaway situation. Other things that helped me were a good counsellor, long conversations with supportive family (I found it very hard to tell wider people, work colleagues etc), and the classic self care recommendations that everyone else is suggesting above - the basics of diet, sleep, exercise.

In the early stages I made a conscious effort to make beneficial choices rather than destructive ones. Not very strictly, e.g. I used wine a lot to relax but reined it in when I could see my consumption increase.

If you are struggling to sleep there are really good sleep visualisations on Spotify. I kept a notebook by the bed and if I couldn't sleep I would write things out and try to empty my head. Then I would listen to a visualisation recording to try and soothe back to sleep. As others have said, lots of exercise helps with sleep too. I have dogs so needed to walk them every day and getting outside and keeping a routine helps.

The self care stuff shouldn't be punitive or another thing to beat yourself up about if you don't e.g. cook a healthy meal from scratch every night. I was exhausted for quite a long time just dealing with all the practical and emotional stuff that separation brings. I have watched an insane amount of TV in the past year, but I think it's just been about allowing my brain to switch off for a while. I felt better after I read a study that said low-effort activities like watching TV are exactly what is needed to recover from or prevent burnout!

For me, self care is a combination of doing what makes you feel better at that moment but also understanding what will really make you feel better in the long term e.g. a tub of ice cream or bottle of wine might be genuinely what you need now and again but if it's every night it's only going to make you feel worse and make it harder.

The first stages are really tough though. Just getting through the days is an achievement. Don't set your expectations of yourself too high. Good luck.

Also - it definitely gets better. Assimilating the shock and new situation that you are in is the worst bit. But that will pass and you will find your way through. So many women on this site have been through it and come out stronger.

Also if you’re not doing it already I am finding it v helpful to “grey rock” my STBXH & also the idea of “dropping the rope”. Both have created a lot of emotional space for me.

Thank you for all the great advice. I'm trying to be kind to myself and I understand every emotion is important and valid but it's such a rollercoaster. I know I'm not the first and won't be the last but it's still a lonely place to be.

@Beautifulruin what does grey rock and dropping the rope mean?

Grey rock technique- lots online about it. It’s about not revealing anything about yourself to your partner and being as boring/ functional as possible in any interactions. Be like a boring grey rock. Can help with difficult partners.

Not sure about dropping the rope, I need to look that one up as might be useful!

Also! It helped me to find the easiest way to make 'good' choices - a soup maker makes it really easy to get healthy and tasty soups. For dinner I often just chuck some veg in the oven and have roasted veg, maybe adding a poached egg or bit of fish , I also had a phase of using ready made yorkshire puddings - with roast veg and packet gravy that is almost a roast dinner and the only prep needed is to chop the veg and turn on the oven.

And as with someone above, it helped me to wear soft and cosy clothes. It must be something instinctive to wrap up.

This is good on grey rock but there is lots about it online:
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/31/well/mind/gray-rock-method.html
here is a good thread on dropping the rope:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4922811-drop-the-rope-theory
meant to say I also listened to a few podcasts about divorce at the start, both for information and for company.

7 months ahead of you. I won't lie, it's been a horrible time but it does get better.

For sleep, I would highly recommend one of those sleep headphone bands (think mines a snoozeband or something like that) and the calm app. There are lots of sleep stories etc, just enough for my brain to focus on so i could stop thinking about how crap my life was. Also has various meditation things, not sure if that's your thing but I found then quite useful when it all got a bit much.

Would second advice above about exercise. I found running great, difficult to cry when I could barely breathe.

Get help and support from friends. I hadn't realised how many friends I had until this happened. And, when people say call anytime, they do mean it. Also use this site, so many useful threads with some great advice which I spent hours pouring over. It's much more common than I thought unfortunately.

You will get through this.