Is CMS worth the fight?

[Cantfacethebattle]

My ex-DH moved out a year ago and does not pay maintenance. He earns more than me. One of our DC stayed a couple of nights a week at his to start with but has not stayed for a few months. We also have uni aged children and I've nicely asked for some help during the (very long) holidays towards food. He has refused. He refuses point blank to send any money for maintenance for the youngest (who is at school until the end of this academic year), or contribution towards the older children whilst at home.

He has helped each of them directly with big purchases (and I help them with smaller things as and when I can), but I literally do not have enough money each month to buy enough food let alone any nice extras.

Meanwhile my lovely partner pays over the odds for every little thing his children need, as he should, and wouldn't dream of doing otherwise.

My youngest will only be in education for the remainder of this academic year. I know he is not obliged to pay for the older children and my youngest once they leave school.

I have started the CMS application but have not submitted it yet as I am just scared of him. Is it worth it, or for the sake of a few months am I better to cut my losses? After a horrendous divorce and court hearing I am wrung-out. I would love any words of wisdom you can offer me :(

You say he has moved out, does he still pay anything towards the house or the bills?

Only you know if it is worthwhile as only you know how much you need the money. If it was just going to be some extra pocket money to spend then for the sake of a few months I probably wouldn’t bother, but if you need that money to put food on the table and keep the heating on then I’d say it is worth it.

Thanks. No, he pays nothing. We had a clean break and I took on everything.

We are not starving but it's not pocket money.

If he refuses to pay then CMS will take it directly from his pay if he is a PAYE employee. If you're struggling why wouldn't you do it ?

Because he bullies me. He is self-employed...

Honestly, I think if he is self-employed then I wouldn't bother.

Yeah... i'm not sure it's worth it :(

Except to worry him a bit and cause him hassle....

Might not be worth it if he fiddles the books.

But I also wouldn’t shy away from saying to your children ‘I’m sorry, we are struggling for money and therefore I can’t give you xyz’ Up to you what you share with them about maintenance not paid/ unfair split of finances.

Ah if self employed and for the sake of a few months I don’t know if I would bother with the hassle personally.

He does fiddle the books, always has.

Thanks you're right.

I am honest with the children, but he is a bully and somehow managed to get them to believe that sending them pocket money is maintaining them.

Ok I’d robustly show them that pocket money does not cover living costs.

I’m so over covering for male privilege and useless fathering. They’re adults now, no need to sugar coat things any more.

“We can’t go on holiday this year/I can’t give you any maintenance support this term/ Spending money (delete as appropriate) because I’m paying the majority of living costs for all of us adult humans and life is very expensive. Here’s a breakdown of my current outgoings and income”

Ive always been a massive fan of full financial disclosure to kids. There’s a lot of “but they shouldn’t have to think about this” mollycoddling goes on in the UK. Older kids absolutely should and they should see clearly when one parent is being a drop kick and the other is taking the slack.

Failing that go on payment strike. Don’t buy food or clothes or anything for them, and tell them it’s ok because dad gives them enough money, right?

we really need to stop protecting these men.

I do agree. Earlier in the year I sent them my spreadsheet of ingoing’s and outgoings. We are all scared of him and I don’t know why. But you are so right. It’s disgraceful that he thinks he can just opt out. My partner rightly says why do I pay but he thinks he doesn’t need to?

It is disgraceful: all I can say is that eventually they will realise and you’ll be vindicated. My kids twigged at about 16 but then I was very (probably too) blunt with them.

And you know you’ve done the right thing by your kids. That’s worth a million times his meanness and posturing. No-one that useless and antisocial can truly be happy.

I would do it just for the sake of justice. This is money that you are owed. You should claim it. Maybe he’ll manage to wriggle out of it somehow but at least you’ll have tried and he won’t be able to tell his mates “oh she doesn’t want maintenance off me, she’s fine on her own.”

And as PP have said, be totally straight with your children about what’s happening and what their father is like. This will come back to bite him in future when they leave him out of weddings, holidays, grandchildren and all the lovely things about having adult children. They will remember which of their parents made sacrifices and which didn’t.

If you don't have enough money for food then you're going to have to go through the CMS for child support I don't see what other options you have to be honest.

On the other hand, if you're too scared to ask, then don't!

Just get a CMS claim in right now in respect of the youngest child, while there's still anything to claim.

Once they're 18 they have to hope their dad will deal with them directly, unfortunately. Sounds like he's more willing to give them money not going through you (been there with my ex so I understand this frustration). So maybe just ask them what he's giving them for uni. That's what I did with my DC- they showed me Dad gives them X for the year, they can get minimum student loan - so I make up what they need to make up rent, buy weekly food. They had/have jobs during uni but there was still a big deficit between Dad's contribution + loan and the bare minimum. I've contributed more than twice as much as Dad, putting myself into debt to do so, but I'd rather than that than make the kids go take on credit card debt

Make sure your kids know about your financial limitations and circumstances. It’s so important for fairness but also important for raising responsible future parents. Good on you for finding the money. I hope the cost to you is maegeable. And finally I would like to reiterate your ex is a total fucker: only bad men see child maintenance as a game/something to try and dodge.

You're absolutely right - what kind of man wants to see their children struggle.

Yes, I am in a lot of debt to help them fill the gaps at uni, and just keeping head above water at home with youngest and feeding them all during holidays.

Honestly op I would get that claim in asap. Don't overthink it. It sounds like every bit would help. Felt the same fear with my ex and regretted not claiming earlier. Because it's official it takes the emotion out of it. He can rant and rage but CMS is what it is. State mandated. The minimum that is legally expected of him and he should not get off Scott free. It's payable until the end of the academic school year too, ie 31/08/2025 so even with if you only get a small amount it will add up over 10 months. Hold him accountable and show your kids that you are asserting yourself to get what is rightfully theirs.

I also agree with the pp above about full financial disclosure with older kids. It teaches important life skills and undermines vexatious claims from the other parent. My eldest just started at uni and my (v high earning) ex gives 0 support. His loss as he is destroying any hope of an ongoing relationship. But - we just don't factor him in at all and it is liberating emotionally. So my YP applied for several student bank acts and managed it all so they got the freebies/ cash for opening acts. That's really helped. Also then they get to see what they are all like to deal with! Has made me think about swapping. Also you can apply for in year assessment if your income has gone down by 15% or more. Depending on household income (CMS not taken into act) you can apply for means tested bursaries. Again this has really helped. My YP went for cheapest accom. but it's catered so v few expenses which they cover with p/t job and my support. It's more than doable with some planning and teamwork. Also - any CTF to access?

How many children are there and what are their ages?

thanks, and you are right,

the children have been great and have got all the funding they are entitled to. we are coming to the end of education all round, which is why i wonder if it's worth the hassle, but i know the right thing is to go for it.

they are 18, 19 and 20

I would inform him that you know he earns eg 60k so he should pay 600 a month according to child maintenance. If he doesn't agree in writing to transfer this on the first of each month you will file with cms in two weeks time. If the cms application fudges his tax returns to make it seem like he earns less you will report him to hmrc.

I think he'd agree to pay you based on the above. If he doesn't then follow through you have every right to and nothing to lose.

Ps he can't bully you any more you're free! I have a toddler with a man like this

It sounds like you moved in a new partner quite quickly after your ex-DH moved out. Presumably that has caused some friction?

For the youngest child, the CMS would be worth pursuing although bear in mind the large purchases for your children might then stop (but you would have more control over the money that he does spend on your youngest child). That said, as he is self employed, the CMS doesn't tend to be well resourced enough to sort things out in a matter of months.

For the older children, it depends on their ages. If they are under 19 and in full time education then it's possibly worth it. Older than that and they will need to make claims against him themselves. Again, if he is self employed, this could make things tricky.

He will give the CMS the information he gives to HMRC. This approach isn’t the flex people think it is. As long as his accounts are legal and lawful the HMRC aren’t going to investigate and he will know that.

The OP can either informally ask for CMS for the youngest or submit a claim.

For the older kids, my question is why they asking him to fund big ticket items and not their day to day expenses. They need to have this conversation with their father.