Kids 11 and 13 don’t want to go to their Dad

[Verysad1978]

My kids go to their Dad one night a week. We’re separated since January. They don’t want to go pretty much ever and now it’s getting to point of total refusal.
he has significant addiction issues. They say he does nothing with them and sleeps when they’re there. On the day after the night they stay they always go to their grandparents.
I only speak positively about him and going there. I also need the break. I’m exhausted.
He is a ball of anger so if they don’t go I’ll be blamed.
They are refusing to go today.
What do I do?

Don't send them, of course.

What worse, "you'll be blamed" or your children being miserable and possibly unsafe?! Come on.

Do the right thing, your 11 and 13yo should not have to sacrifice their well being to protect you from your ex's anger.

If he's an addict (drugs? Alcohol?) then surely this is a safeguarding issue justifying a break in contact until he sorts himself out (if he does)? Is the contact court ordered? If not then just don't make them go. He can go to court for an order - at their ages I expect their wishes will be taken into account. You can raise his addiction issues in the court process.

I understand that you are exhausted but he sounds awful and it is completely reasonable that they don’t want to go there. At their age, you can hardly make them. Couldn’t they go straight to their grandparents?

I'm not sure why you speak positively about him, either. He's a selfish, angry, addict.

I’m keeping the whole show on the road and minding my kids whilst working myself to the bones.
I have never put my kids in an unsafe environment. He doesn’t gamble or drink around them but sleeps off a week of it. Hence they’re bored and unstimulated.
Dealing with unrelenting anger isn’t easy. It’s tough to navigate.
Maybe think a little before standing in judgment.

Because telling my kids what I really think would not help them. And I’m doing everything I can do help them.

Thank you. I think I’ll just keep them here and he can say whatever he wants.

I’ll see if they want to do this. The grandparents are older and less able. So I don’t know if it’s a runner with them.

He is a ball of anger
No wonder they don't want to go. Nobody should be forced/encouraged to be in a house with someone like that.

Since they go to his parents anyway, would the grandparents be willing to have them more to give you a break rather than sleeping at their fathers house? Would that be a good compromise for you all?

Then they don't go? DS10 hates his dad and hasn't seen him for nearly a year. Neither seem particularly fussed.

The anger is all directed at me. I’ve no reason to think he’s angry with them. They’ve never suggested it and I’m careful to ask.
With them he’s not doing things or going anywhere. So they’re bored. When I ask why they don’t want to go they say there’s nothing to do.

The anger is all directed at me. I’ve no reason to think he’s angry with them. They’ve never suggested it and I’m careful to ask.
With them he’s not doing things or going anywhere. So they’re bored. When I ask why they don’t want to go they say there’s nothing to do.

They don't go, they are old enough to make that decision.

However what do you mean he blames you and is a ball of anger - how is that going to impact you specifically?

If he turns up at the house, you talk to him through the door and tell him to leave. If he refuses you call the police. (Whether they turn up or not is a different matter)

If he bad mouths you to people - does their opinion of the situation really matter?

If he is going to send you abusive communications get a separate number for day to day / change email address and stick that SIM in a cheap dumb phone and only turn it on to confirm or cancel contact

If the children still want to see their GParents I would encourage that relationship if they are a positive influence of them.

It sounds really tough. Do you have anyone else that can help or that you can reciprocal child swaps with so you can get a break?

I'm sorry I sound judgy but I've been the child in your situation and felt the crushing dread of having to see my father. You're the adult, you should shoulder his anger instead of making your innocent children have to.

It might not be directed at them (yet) but they will not be immune to it or to the toxic environment it will have created. They will have learnt how to appease him and be walking on eggshells so as not to have that anger appear. Your relationship with their father didn't happen in a vacuum and they will have watched and learned and felt the dynamics. They are telling you they don't want to appease the angry man anymore, they want out.

If he's a ball of anger, they've at least witnessed him in a rage, even if it's not directed at them. My own dad could lose his temper at a parking machine, it didn't even have to be a person. I still jump whenever I hear a man raise his voice.

You're deluding yourself if you think they never have to endure his anger, at least as a witness.

Cross posted with this. I agree

The anger is only directed at me. Just me. Not anyone else.

Ok

I get your exhausted but your children are telling you they don't want to go to see their dad.
He is an addict with anger issues directed at their mother, who doesn't engage with them while they are there.
I honestly can't see why you are debating this!

You know that's extremely unlikely right?

Anyway it's not the point. The point is your kids don't want to see him. You're sending them to avoid his anger. That's selfish and cowardly of you. Sorry I'm not sugar coating it

I think it’s probably more nuanced than this. He was a good Dad. He adored them. They were close with him. When he moved out I felt it was best for them to have a continuing relationship with him. I didn’t want them affected unduly by the separation. It’s hard to explain what I’ve dealt with over the year of separation and the years before that.
I am debating it only because I want to do the right thing for them. And severing that relationship entirely didn’t seem to me to be good in the long run. But thank you for the view. Genuinely.

His behaviour when the children are with him is what's driving their request, nothing else. Why would the children want to be with someone who clearly had no interest in them.
You have facilitated contact for 9-10 months and it isn't working, so don't force it. Just make notes of what's happened over the months/what your children have said. Deal with the fallout if there is any later on.

Ok. Thank for the insight and the insults.
I’ll take it that I haven’t properly conveyed the whole story and that’s why you feel comfortable attacking me.
I appreciate the advice I have received on the thread and I’ll follow it.

My last word to you and a little bit of advice to perhaps - hold off on the insults to someone who’s burned out trying to keep everything going. I hope - and I mean this - you don’t ever end up in the same position.