For those that have 50/50 but wanted more

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

This post is not asking for people to say "why shouldn't he have 50/50?"

My husband is likely to get 50/50 custody of our 5yo. I am utterly heartbroken. I can't stop crying. Multiple rounds of fertility treatment. I did not become a parent to only parent half of the time. I'm crushed. For those that ended up with 50/50 not through their own choice, how did you cope?

I have invested every part of my life for the past 6 years (pregnancy included) in my child and I have loved every moment of it. Being a mum has fulfilled me. My hobbies are my child's hobbies, I am happy when she is happy. I socialise with mum friends and don't have any non mum friends anymore. My friends are having second babies. I'm losing my one and only. The truth is, I don't want to have "me time" nor focus on my career. I've been sidelined because of the time off I have had in caring for my daughter when she has been sick. Ultimately reduced my hours for this. I mean, a few hours here and there of me time would be fine. But I just can't get my head around 50/50.

The father may be feeling the same ......

Best option is to try and make the marriage work but this is not always possible

Your husband might feel the same not wanting to let his child go because of a divorce. I don't blame him.

It will change as your child gets older …with my ExH we are 50/50 but sometimes kids want extra night with either of us ect so we never count the days.., it evens out as sometimes either of us can’t have kids because of work travel / social arrangements. But I understand where you are coming from - when they are 5 it’s harder to let go the younger they are. Sending you a hug 💐

I made a thread about the opposite as I’m a mum that wanted 50/50 I didn’t have kids to raise them alone. If you wanted to raise your child alone then you could have used a donor.

Try and keep a good coparenting relationship with him, it's vital to your child's happiness and makes things easier on both of you in the long run. Remember it's best for her to have both parents and you having your own friends and things in your life benefits her as she grows up

She didn't want to raise the child alone, she wanted to raise her as a partnership and be with her every day. 100% different to wanting to raise a child alone

Well that’s not an option now is it so if she didn’t want a father involved she should have used a donor. He probably feels exactly the same and doesn’t want to not see his child every day either.

You've gotten the exact type of answers I thought you would, think about him, kids should have 50/50. You're allowed to be upset about this and that's not you thinking your ex doesn't deserve 50/50. I can't help you with any first hand knowledge, XH has less than that. We're a year in but I do actually look forward to the time they're with ex now whereas I dreaded it a year ago, but I know that's not the same as 50/50.

Parenting on your own is harder, if it's not a heap of days at once you might find some at least of those days feel welcome in a year or two. You could look at how you split the days, like do 3,4,4,3 over a fortnight rather than something with longer gaps. A friend was devastated to get 50/50 with her abusive ex and he wouldn't accept anything but week or week off. She went from being a SAHM to going a week without her kids. She did do a lot of grieving, but she got used to it, then felt ok about it and by 2 years post separation she was loving it.

@Sarahd3342 I second what pp poster said about amicable co parenting. I hated my ex after the divorce but now we actually go out as a family when it’s the DCs birthday and the kids love it or mark other special occasions together like when my dc1 sat her last A’level exam. It creates good will.

It's terribly hard. I understand why you'd feel this way. Is 50/50 appropriate if you've been the primary carer and have reduced your hours to do this?

@Clumsy12345 why are you so obsessed with suggesting a donor, when most couples have a baby it’s with view to stay together which I am pretty sure was ops intention. Life happens sometimes. It’s an unsupportive message.

@Clumsy12345 your contribution isn't relevant or helpful to this thread.

Thank you for your replies.

Dad may be thinking he wants more BUT (I'm going to probably get lots of stick here) 50/50 will suit him perfectly. His work is very flexible and he works from home and is very committed to his highly paid job. He used to get frustrated when we were at home and he was working and getting interrupted so not having his child or anyone else around the rest of the time will mean he can make up the hours during his 50% off time. He used to complain his "time off" was interrupted and hated the interruptions during school holidays in particular or my days off when I was looking after our child. He genuinely had no respect for me and @Midsomereve he wouldn't recognize that I was the primary carer. Because he was hands on in a practical sense he wouldn't see what else goes on/respect that I had done anything. On the court papers he said I didn't do much for our child which said it all to me really.

In order for me to be able to pick up our child from school on time I had to reduce my hours (teacher) but picking her up is really really important to me but with the nature of my job, I can't make up hours another time.

In the nicest way your reliance on your child is not healthy. Of course you love them and want to be with them but you need to find your own hobbies, friends, life etc outside of that which doesn’t revolve around your child solely. You’re a mother yes, but also an independent adult in your own right and you seem to have lost that. You’ve made your child into your best friend and that’s not good for either of you

right now you’re devastated as it’s not what you wanted but I echo others who say it’s much better to have a strong co parenting relationships and your child to have strong bonds with both parents. That is something they will benefit from.

you will be sad but you have to do your best to accept it and make it positive outcome, for your child and for you and over time you’ll start to get through the other side. Start taking baby steps to build up some things you can enjoy independently outside of your child

@millymollymoomoo thank you for phrasing it as you did and being kind..you are right my child is my best friend, absolutely is the case. I have literally given my whole everything to her.

OP, you are allowed to grieve the life you thought you would have. In this case, having your child in your home 100%. It’s probably also more than that - you probably envisaged that home also having a partner in it, and possibly more children. Whatever your vision is, you are allowed to take time to grieve it, to help you come to terms with the fact that life isn’t there anymore.

But then, just like any other life disappointment - the death of a partner or child, divorce, infertility, and many other big and little things that people wanted in their lives - you have to find a way to make the life you have the best it can be. You
may not feel like doing this now, but it is the only way forward. It won’t happen overnight, but you must keep working towards it.

From your post, it may help you to frame it in terms of benefit to your child. THEY will benefit from a content mother, not one who cries when they leave or who makes them feel guilty about leaving them alone and/or like they need to manage their mother’s feelings at a young age.

It may not feel like it now OP, but you can do this. Give yourself some time to process the emotions, but then perhaps start planning with one thing you’ll do (and look forward to) on your first day without your child. Meeting a friend for coffee, the cinema, a massage, reading a good book or a Netflix binge have put aside needing time. Visiting an old friend or your parents, a long walk in beautiful surrounds with a picnic lunch packed (or a restaurant/cafe half way along the route).

If he is able to be flexible can you have set days so that when she’s with him you can work full time? That way on your days you can be like a SAHM?
I really feel for you as I’d hate this too. But I can also see how carving some time and focus for yourself will be healthy for you. And I know not even having a hobby or interest for myself is a really unhealthy thing for me, and I reckon it is just as a spent so much of my life from 18 being Mum that I don’t even know where to start to have me time as a 40 something woman!

I understand how you feel - you've built your whole life around your child but honestly, it will be okay and as time passes you'll find it easier.

I've done 50/50 for over 6 years and it's about quality time not quantity. Because they're not with me full time I spend so much more time just sitting and chatting with them when they are, or making an effort to do something with them when I'd usually be busy doing house stuff.

You need to find something to fill your time with when your child is not around, that's really important.

You've got a lot of unhelpful messages here!
Yes, try to keep things amicable but that isn't always possible.
When DC is away, I would suggest trying for a balance of practical & fun things. Get the housework done, then meet up with friends. Even when you're not feeling like it, make the effort to go out and see people. I've started a couple of new hobbies, which I enjoy, although I would 100% prefer to be with my children. If I could, I'd drop the hobbies instantly to be with my DC. But they're pleasant enough time-fillers for while the DC are away.
Be kind to yourself, it will probably take quite a while to adjust to the new normal.

OP hugs to you. Sharing your kids with their other parent when separated is really hard.

My children were 21 months and 4 when I separated from their dad. when they were younger he wasn’t as involved. Now they are older and their care needs are lower we do close to 50:50. I didn’t personally want to change anything but my children always wanted more time With their dad and I had to put this ahead of my own wants.

My main advice would be to sort in mediation, and try and avoid a child arrangement order. A child arrangement order is rigid and inflexible.
other advice I would give;

• be amicable, ask to be first refusal to have DD if he is busy for whatever reason
• going forward be flexible, swap weekends and evenings if you can. hopefully he will be in return and DD won’t have to miss special occasions.
• carefully consider how you will split special occasions (eg Xmas) Think about how this will look should either / both of you meet someone else.
• For Xmas think about new traditions. This year my DC are with Dad. We will have Xmas day on Boxing Day. They come home Xmas night and they are tired so I give them new pjs and we put on a film and chill. Wake up in the morning and bam - Santa has been!

i actually see my kids way more than 50%. They come here after school and dad picks up from here. I get to take DD to all
her football games as her dad works. I watch my son most weeks at football regardless of who he is scheduled with. If they need lifts etc we often work together to sort and don’t have a your time / my time mentality.

My advice would be to think about what is best for DD and what would make your life easier. I know people who do week on, week off and I know people who do every other weekend and two set days a week.

I noted you are a teacher, you can offer to cover holidays if ex needs to work. You can offer him / ask that he does school pick up if he has flexibility and you don’t. My ex and I rarely use/d 3rd party child care. He is also a teacher and would do more mid week and let me have more weekends on the hols (he likes going out so think he is happy with this arrangement too).

and lastly find something for time when DD is not with you. Rediscover yourself and what you like doing. Reading, country walks, cooking new recipes etc.

if you teach, could you teach at her school? You would at least see her a little bit

Has this intense focus on your child to the exclusion of all else possibly contributed to the break up of your marriage? It isn't good for you or for the child. They are their own person, not just extension of you.

@Bananasplitz97 you are so positive, thank you. It sounds like you have really made it work for you.

Unfortunately the whole my time/ your time was a mentality my stbxh had during our marriage which drove me bonkers. We are just so so different. I think he wants a child arrangement order - he ran off to court weeks after announcing his departure and it would suit him enormously.

@helpfulperson possibly a contributing factor, yes but it's done now. There are lots of different factors, we are very very different people that dislike each other.

I wouldn't want 50/50. My ex does 2 weeknights and 1 weekend a month so about 30% and that's only because he's got a new partner running round after them. You may find 50/50 dwindles after a few months as he'll realise it's hard work and he has to make sacrifices.

Given all that you've said OP it sounds like this will make him do a much better job as he will realise that he HAS to do everything half the time

I think you might consider a week on, week off structure. Teachers are really in demand so if you go to SLT with the proposal that you leave every second week on time then there may not be a problem. You will be able to make that time up (marking/planning) in the week you don't have her.

And an app where he can't send you shitty messages for communication- because communication is going to be really important. He will need as much stuff at his house as you have, the school will need to communicate properly with both of you.