For those that have 50/50 but wanted more

[Sarahd3342]

Hi,

This post is not asking for people to say "why shouldn't he have 50/50?"

My husband is likely to get 50/50 custody of our 5yo. I am utterly heartbroken. I can't stop crying. Multiple rounds of fertility treatment. I did not become a parent to only parent half of the time. I'm crushed. For those that ended up with 50/50 not through their own choice, how did you cope?

I have invested every part of my life for the past 6 years (pregnancy included) in my child and I have loved every moment of it. Being a mum has fulfilled me. My hobbies are my child's hobbies, I am happy when she is happy. I socialise with mum friends and don't have any non mum friends anymore. My friends are having second babies. I'm losing my one and only. The truth is, I don't want to have "me time" nor focus on my career. I've been sidelined because of the time off I have had in caring for my daughter when she has been sick. Ultimately reduced my hours for this. I mean, a few hours here and there of me time would be fine. But I just can't get my head around 50/50.

he wouldn't recognize that I was the primary carer. Because he was hands on in a practical sense he wouldn't see what else goes on/respect that I had done anything. On the court papers he said I didn't do much for our child which said it all to me really
Prepared for a flaming.... but what do you mean?
Is he a good, involved dad? What do you mean he's hands on, and the court papers said you don't do much? @Sarahd3342

@LaurieFairyCake I think week on/off too so it makes him have to do stuff. Maybe the other parent could do a few pick ups in the other week as otherwise a week is a very long time for us to be apart. He said 4-3-3-4.
@WhereIsBebèsChambre it's things like not reading/absorbing letters when they are addressed to us both, not knowing when appointments are, not knowing the days/times of things, registering for things - health visitor appts, school milk, eye tests, hearing tests etc etc stuff like that. He "forgot" I had a day off with her a week when she was at nursery before the summer and said he would take her to nursery that day. I'd been having the same day off with her 2 years. The court papers didn't say I didn't do much, it was mentioned to me during a CAFCASS call that's what he wrote.

@Sarahd3342 you can get an app for divorced parents with a shared calender so his forgetting you have a day off will be preventable and if he still messes up, it will be on him.
I get it about the letter ect and I do find it’s usually the mother who has the higher mental load despite it being 50/50 split from my experience.

It’s v common for mums to pick up the mental load - not saying it’s right but we all do it. And men do it because we enable that.

when you’re separated he has to pick some of that up as you won’t be there to be his fall back, be clear to him on that.

my ex did step up when I was there to do it all - not saying all men will /do but simply because hasn’t while you’re together doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t /wont when apart.

I know some people who do 50:50 but other parent picks them up and had tea/evening before dropping them back mid week . That seems to work better than constant swapping houses which my own personal view is that’s unsettling.

Women/mothers sacrifice so much more to have DCs- their life. No man risks death by becoming a father.

I'm completely against 50/50 against the mother's wishes.

EOW was the default, with most men not even doing that until a decade ago. What changed? Most just want to avoid maintenance payments.

We need to encourage more women to have more DCs. This will do the opposite.

If I was in my 20s now I'd do the donor/anon shag route. I wouldn't voluntarily have a dc to have them taken away from me half the time.

There is no such thing as equal parenting.

I've spent several years of my life pregnant or breastfeeding- no father has done this.

@unmemorableusername nonsense.

And so what about breastfeeding- dies not make you a better parent !

Op
You've had lots of good advice here. Of course I understand that you will
Miss your child when they're not around but you and they will get used to this.
Ultimately it's in your child's interest o have a strong bond with their father. And it's important that you find a life too that doesn't only involve being a mum,
My advice is try and get to an amicable place with your ex so you can be his back up child care , I bet you'll find that as she gets a little older the schedule will become more flexible.

One of the biggest criticisms you have is that he said he would take the child to nursery because he forgot it was your day off?

I'm afraid it sounds like you've overdone it a bit on the whole involved parenting thing. Of course you love her to bits but to make her your best friend, dropping your career and salary simply because "doing the pick up is important" and scoffing at her dad because he didn't fill in the form for school milk?

It all sounds pretty stifling for the child as she gets older. You need to make some friends, get some hobbies, get back to work and focus on forging a positive relationship with your ex.

With some kindness, this is not all about you and your needs. What is best for your DD? It's ok to accept this is difficult for you and may feel painful but surely your DD having a strong relationship with her father as well as you is best for her? I do think 50/50 becomes difficult when they are teenagers and you may feel it shift a bit as they want their time to be more with their friends but right now, I think you have the ability to make this work.

I split with my DC father when they were two. 20 plus years on, they have a great relationship with both of us. Whilst our relationship didn't work out, I'm so pleased for the parental relationships he has with DC.

Be kind to yourself but also think what is best in the long term for your DD .

Agree, in fact that sounds a reasonable thing to do, and is what dh and I do. If ones at work, the other is off, the worker will drop on way to allow the other benefit of more relaxed start to day off!

Op I say this with your best interests at heart.

You will either cope and get used it or you won’t.

And if you don’t and you continue the whole ‘my child is my best friend and I don’t want anything else out of my life than but to be with them’, you will end up damaging your child. Which I am sure you do not want.

You need to be a person with interests and a life away from your child. Even if that’s just reading.

You need to work and probably work more than you did when you were married because finances are different now (assuming you and exh aren’t mega rich). So you might else well try and do something that interests you. That you enjoy.

You might as well find something to do to fill your time when your child isn’t with you. Because what’s the other option. Sit and and just await their return? At some point your child will grow up, spend more time away from you on your time with them. They will go out with friends, might go to university, move out. And you will have spent years only existing in relation to your child.

You need to cope and get used to it. You need to have something other than your child. Because that what’s best for you but also your child.

To be honest you get used to it.

What a pile of utter crap.

I am utterly heartbroken. I can't stop crying
Being a mum has fulfilled me. My hobbies are my child's hobbies
my child is my best friend
That's a lot of pressure on a child. The responsibility for your happiness will become suffocating for her as will the guilt that her NOT being with you is so devastating to you.
You really need to reframe the situation for the sake of your child

I think you are possibly the least helpful poster ever.

Hi, thank you for those posting about how suffocating/stifling it could be for a child. Yes I can see how it could come across. I'll make it clear, I definitely do not aim to be stifling and I definitely don't tell her how I basically depend on her, I'm really conscious of emotional health.

I do know that when she will be older she will go out etc and spend less time with me. I just wasn't expecting it so young. I thought we only have 5 more Christmases of Santa but really, that's now 2/3. I hope at some point I can come to terms with this but it is very very hard for me now.

I don't think it's wrong to have reduced my hours so I can do pick ups because I think the time is important. Growing up it stuck with me that my mum was there to do the drop offs and pick ups rather than say a child minder like I saw some of the other children with. We didn't have much money but my mum made that choice.

I think it is important for my daughter to have a meaningful relationship with both parents, absolutely. I just don't know how there is a way around it without shuffling homes etc.

You see you don't need ro tell your child these things for then to just know them.

As your child gets older they will just know you are so emotionally dependent on them. Children in this situation tend to grow up knowing it and thinking it's normal. They behave in a way that accommodates and enables the parent.

I don't think it was wrong to reduce your hours. But it doesn't impact what happens now in regards to responsibility for the child. It was a choice you made knowing the upsides and downsides.

Don't worry about Christmas. My eldest is 20. My youngest 14 And Christmas eve and Christmas day is just as special as it was when they were kids.

As you said, it's important for your child have a meaningful relationship with both parents. And now both parents will be living separately. There isn't another way.

I didn’t want 50/50 when I got divorced but ex DH did so that’s what we did. Once the initial guilt wore off it was amazing. My kids were in primary school so it felt like I got my life back years sooner than I would have had I had them all/most of the time.

Hi, thank you for those posting about how suffocating/stifling it could be for a child. Yes I can see how it could come across. I'll make it clear, I definitely do not aim to be stifling and I definitely don't tell her how I basically depend on her, I'm really conscious of emotional health.
I don't think theres any 'could' be about it. If you're actually say you depend on her, she will be stifled.
Even if you get your wish and it's not 50:50 you need to give her space to grow.

You don't need to tell her for it to be suffocating. In fact not telling her as they get worse tends to be harder because if any conversation is to be had about how clingy and dependant you are and how stifled she feels then she'd have to start it.

Look, being able to pick her up from school is lovely. But her Dad could just as easily have done that and it sounds like he would've happily done so. You can't choose to go part time and then blame him for that, nor can you be the one at the gates grabbing the milk order form and learning how it all works and then berate him for it.

He has as much of a place in your daughters life as you. Make it your aim to share as much of that parenting as you can in a positive way. And you still have Christmas. It doesn't have to be a one day rigid celebration, ours lasts about 2 weeks!

@ItWasOnAStarryNight ha no, he was saying before he left he didn't know how we would do pick ups when school finished at 3 but nursery was at 6 so I was like I can reduce hours. He would have picked her up but then gone back to work (at home) for a few hours as I would have got back by about 4. That's not the case now as we aren't in the same house. And also re. Being at the gates and grabbing the form. All of the forms etc are emailed to us both. Either of us could fill them in but he just expects me to do it all. He wouldn't even open post that was addressed to parent/guardian of our daughter. Anyway this post was meant to be asking people for support/ideas about how they managed if they found it difficult not being with their child for say 4/5 days when they're used to seeing them everyday.

Well you cope by looking at yourself, at him, and at the situation as a whole. Including all the slacking on his part and the martyrdom on yours.

That's why it's useful to look at how you got here. She'd have had a matter of minutes on her own before you got home at 4, he would've picked her up, it stands that you can't just drop your hours when there is an alternative and then blame him.

If you're going to work together then you do need to address this stuff.

@Sarahd3342 its ok tbh I felt very clingy to my dc1 when she was about your DDs age. It takes time to adjust as I had such an emotional attachment and was always worried that ExH could not look after her as much as me. It’s a slow process letting go a bit so I would say in the time she’s away go to an exercise class or find an interest. Try and make mum friends at school, that helps too esp if you find someone that might be a single parent - for companionship and you can also help each other out.

In the nicest way possible, you didn’t have to, you chose to. Plenty of teachers use an hour of wraparound care and still have the evening with their child then do more work when child is in bed. Perhaps he HAD to be committed to his well paid job in order to pay for the reduction in your hours? There are many ways to look at the situation and ultimately you need to be positive and supportive of your child’s new situation, heartbreaking though it may be for you. A sad fact of divorce is that one of you will always be missing her at any given time. It’s rubbish but hopefully over time you do start to enjoy your “you time”.