AIBU to ask ex to feed cats

janiejonstone · 2024-10-02T22:56:27+00:00

I genuinely can't figure out what's reasonable in this situation. DD7 and I have wanted to get a cat for years but STBXH has always said no. (Variety of reasons, he's never just honestly said "I don't want a cat" but there is always some reason why we can't get one at any given moment.) He moved out a month ago and DD7 has got really excited about adopting a kitten and mother from a nearby animal centre. We've had a home visit and been approved. I think it will be a lovely thing to do, and give us both something to focus on during what's going to be a pretty difficult few months as her dad and I work through our divorce. The issue is that DD7 lives full time with me, and my ex spends time with her in our house. This is mostly weekend visits during the day but also includes staying in the house if I need to travel overnight for work. Given he never wanted a cat, is it unreasonable to expect him to feed two cats during the times he's the only adult in the house? Our relationship isn't great at the moment, so I don't want to suggest it if it seems odd.

Haggisfish3 · 03/10/2024 00:04

Of course it’s not odd!!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/10/2024 07:21

If he's in the house then yes he should feed them. However what will happen in the future if he gets his own house and DD then stays at his while you're away with work? I'm surprised you've been approved to be honest, unless you've lied about the situation

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2024 07:27

It is reasonable for a guest in your house to feed your cat.

@sparepantsandtoothbrush I assume she will ask a friend or neighbour, we recently fed BIL’s cat when he was in holiday.

Pandasnacks · 03/10/2024 07:32

It's not unreasonable at all, and your 7 year old can actively get involved in cat care and help feed them too, so he's then helping her as much as anything.

Pandasnacks · 03/10/2024 07:33

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/10/2024 07:21

If he's in the house then yes he should feed them. However what will happen in the future if he gets his own house and DD then stays at his while you're away with work? I'm surprised you've been approved to be honest, unless you've lied about the situation

Why's it surprising she's been approved? And obviously she can ask a friend or pay for a pet sitter if nobody is in the house but that isn't necessary when someone is in the house.

Original poster

janiejonstone · 03/10/2024 07:49

Thanks everyone. The adoption lady was very sympathetic to the situation. I mostly wfh, and if we go away then I've got two cousins round the corner who both have cats who can pop in to feed them.

OP posts:

K0OLA1D · 03/10/2024 07:52

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/10/2024 07:21

If he's in the house then yes he should feed them. However what will happen in the future if he gets his own house and DD then stays at his while you're away with work? I'm surprised you've been approved to be honest, unless you've lied about the situation

Cats aren't dogs. Someone popping in to feed and water them is completely ok.

No it's not odd at all op

amothersinstinct · 03/10/2024 07:58

You need to knock the visiting at your house on the head - 2 years in and my 8 year old is hugely struggling with that arrangement - the the cat issue won't matter

DeliciousApples · 03/10/2024 09:36

You'd need to ask him. I'd also suggest he may have a problem mucking out the litter tray. Be very strict with your child that it's their responsibility not yours. So they continue with it when you aren't there so your ex doesn't moan.

Some people don't use a tray and key cats out but I prefer to use one so no neighbours can come plain to me about their flower beds having cat crap in them.

Just make sure he knows to be very careful about cautiously opening doors and windows as they are escape routes for kittens. Who could then get lost or eaten by a predator, run over etc.

I opened the door with my leg in the way when entering the house to make sure if my kittens were sitting behind the door (they heard my car and my jangling door keys so they knew I was about to provide an escape route) that they couldn't rush out past me.

If he's a prick and throws the door wide to the world without a second thought or opens windows for a bit of air you have a problem. Ive got child safety locks on my windows so they open a few inches only without the child lock being unlocked with the key.

Pandasnacks · 03/10/2024 11:32

DeliciousApples · 03/10/2024 09:36

You'd need to ask him. I'd also suggest he may have a problem mucking out the litter tray. Be very strict with your child that it's their responsibility not yours. So they continue with it when you aren't there so your ex doesn't moan.

Some people don't use a tray and key cats out but I prefer to use one so no neighbours can come plain to me about their flower beds having cat crap in them.

Just make sure he knows to be very careful about cautiously opening doors and windows as they are escape routes for kittens. Who could then get lost or eaten by a predator, run over etc.

I opened the door with my leg in the way when entering the house to make sure if my kittens were sitting behind the door (they heard my car and my jangling door keys so they knew I was about to provide an escape route) that they couldn't rush out past me.

If he's a prick and throws the door wide to the world without a second thought or opens windows for a bit of air you have a problem. Ive got child safety locks on my windows so they open a few inches only without the child lock being unlocked with the key.

I don't think it's fair to decide it's 100% a 7 year olds responsibility to clean the cat litter trays, if she's not good enough with her personal hygiene which many 7 year olds aren't she could catch toxoplasmosis which is dangerous in children. OP you can leave an extra litter tray or invest in a self cleaning one.

millymollymoomoo · 03/10/2024 13:46

the real question is why is your ex having to come yours rather than your daughter go to his

it’s ok to ask him to feed the cat / especially if he’s staying in the home. Whether he can be relied on to is another matter

MummyJ36 · 03/10/2024 13:48

why is ex coming to your house OP? Surely he has his own place in some capacity now? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to feed the cats but it’s quite an odd arrangement and doesn’t sound like there are many clear boundaries in place with or without cat.

Original poster

janiejonstone · 03/10/2024 16:00

Thanks everyone, I'll have a chat with him about it.

I'm surprised that it seems like an odd arrangement, quite a few of the separated families I know have decided to keep the kids in one home and have the non-resident parent come to them. It's still all very new and he's in a temporary one-bedroom flat quite a while away from our house and school, so we didn't think it was fair to make our daughter travel between us, particularly on school days. He sees her for one weekend day a week and a Friday school dropoff, where he comes to ours early and takes her in. When he's settled somewhere that's more long term and appropriate then we'll look at her doing overnights at his house, but not yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

janiejonstone · 03/10/2024 16:02

Pandasnacks · 03/10/2024 11:32

I don't think it's fair to decide it's 100% a 7 year olds responsibility to clean the cat litter trays, if she's not good enough with her personal hygiene which many 7 year olds aren't she could catch toxoplasmosis which is dangerous in children. OP you can leave an extra litter tray or invest in a self cleaning one.

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The cats would temporarily have a litter tray when the first settle in but we've got a cat flap and plenty of cats in the local area, so that won't be an issue long term.

OP posts:

K0OLA1D · 03/10/2024 16:08

janiejonstone · 03/10/2024 16:02

The cats would temporarily have a litter tray when the first settle in but we've got a cat flap and plenty of cats in the local area, so that won't be an issue long term.

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I've had 7 cats. All have been indoor/outdoor and all have continued using a litter tray. So I wouldn't be so sure it's temp!

Mickey79 · 03/10/2024 16:21

I personally wouldn’t even ask. He never wanted a cat. Your pets, your responsibility.

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2024 18:32

Mickey79 · 03/10/2024 16:21

I personally wouldn’t even ask. He never wanted a cat. Your pets, your responsibility.

He is coming to her house though ( where the cats are/

It seems slightly mad for OP to get a cousin in to do it and interrupt the dad/DD time.

Mickey79 · 03/10/2024 19:25

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2024 18:32

He is coming to her house though ( where the cats are/

It seems slightly mad for OP to get a cousin in to do it and interrupt the dad/DD time.

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If they aren’t divorced yet, is it not the family home that op is in?

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2024 19:31

Might be, but they have agreed that he now lives somewhere else. So he is coming there as a visitor, IMO.

Either way, your “you shouldn’t even ask him” seems extreme, given the alternative is that OP has someone else let themselves in to do it whilst the XH and DD are there.

Mickey79 · 03/10/2024 19:37

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2024 19:31

Might be, but they have agreed that he now lives somewhere else. So he is coming there as a visitor, IMO.

Either way, your “you shouldn’t even ask him” seems extreme, given the alternative is that OP has someone else let themselves in to do it whilst the XH and DD are there.

I would still view myself as owning the home too, even if I moved out to make life easier. Which is also the legal standpoint. No I wouldn’t ask, especially when the relationship is strained already. Some people obviously would.

SheilaFentiman · 03/10/2024 20:21

So, as the XH spending time with the DD, you would prefer a neighbour or cousin coming in to do it whilst you were there?

candyflossbabe · 08/10/2024 13:22

Get an automatic pet food timer, yes they only deliver dried food but it negates any need to rely on him etc
You can alternate with wet food whenever you want etc
We use them for our cat if we ever need to pop away for a weekend etc
I believe you can get microchip activated ones as well so one greedy guts doesn’t pinch the others 🤣

sugarbyebye · 08/10/2024 13:46

We use an automated pet feeder for up to two night stays, and leave dried food out. Both my cats are happy with that. Longer stays our neighbours feed them (and vice versa as they also have cats).

sugarbyebye · 08/10/2024 13:47

Our automated feeder has an ice pack in it so we leave wet food in it.

DangerousAlchemy · 08/10/2024 14:34

K0OLA1D · 03/10/2024 16:08

I've had 7 cats. All have been indoor/outdoor and all have continued using a litter tray. So I wouldn't be so sure it's temp!

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Yeah 100% @K0OLA1D my 2 cats can use our garden if they want but one will ALWAYS come back inside for no 1s and 2s. It all depends on the cats tbh. During wet and windy weather my 2 barely step outside.