AIBU to ask ex to feed cats

[janiejonstone]

I genuinely can't figure out what's reasonable in this situation. DD7 and I have wanted to get a cat for years but STBXH has always said no. (Variety of reasons, he's never just honestly said "I don't want a cat" but there is always some reason why we can't get one at any given moment.)

He moved out a month ago and DD7 has got really excited about adopting a kitten and mother from a nearby animal centre. We've had a home visit and been approved. I think it will be a lovely thing to do, and give us both something to focus on during what's going to be a pretty difficult few months as her dad and I work through our divorce.

The issue is that DD7 lives full time with me, and my ex spends time with her in our house. This is mostly weekend visits during the day but also includes staying in the house if I need to travel overnight for work. Given he never wanted a cat, is it unreasonable to expect him to feed two cats during the times he's the only adult in the house? Our relationship isn't great at the moment, so I don't want to suggest it if it seems odd.

I'd say the biggest issue you're going to have is that the kitten you're getting (& by default it's Mum) will not be allowed outside til it's about 6 months old and therefore big enough to cope with the dangers outdoors. Regardless of whether it has been neutered by then or not. We recommend this to everyone who adopts a kitten from the charity I foster for. So your STBXH needs to be utterly on board with every door and window shut at all times - and so does your child. I have posters on many of my doors reminding my family (& their friends) to keep certain doors shut. Which is a lot harder than it sounds. Kittens are hard work and can easily climb high up then get stuck or fall through stairs bannisters etc & injure themselves. Make sure you look carefully at your home for potential hazards and toxic indoor plants etc. It's a lot to ask of someone who is staying in your home and never wanted a cat in the first place 🤷‍♀️ Definitely have a small cat-safe room ready to go. It'll make things a LOT easier to begin with as you can shut them both in there when you get deliveries etc or you're coming and going through the front door or safely away in the room overnight. New rescue cats are also quite sensitive so you'll need to have a big discussion with him about their care and behaviour too so you're both on the same page. Cats need routine and consistency too plus a calm new home environment with not too much change during for first few months. Good luck. I'm glad you're adopting but just go into it with your eyes open and do all the research etc 1st 👏💗

I would speak to your cousins about seeing to the cats and then face up stbxh with a choice - either he sees to them when he's there, or one of the cousins will pop in (using their own key if he is not there to let them in) when it is convenient to the cousin. His choice, but there is no third choice.

It’s not necessarily an unreasonable request. It’s only putting food and water in their dishes a few times a day surely and possibly scooping out the litter tray once or twice? Not unreasonable to ask, but be prepared with a back up in case he refuses ie cousin. He may agree because he doesn’t want interrupted by the cousin during this stay.

If he’s in your house then I don’t see why not but at 7 surely your DD could feed them herself if you show her what to do

Id also be considering a way that your ex isn’t in your house I find this a bit weird and I wouldn’t be comfortable with this at all