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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Dad didn't let DD come home

41 replies

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:00

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 30/09/2024 00:02

You just posted this in parenting......

Hmmmmm5 · 30/09/2024 00:13

shellyleppard · 30/09/2024 00:02

You just posted this in parenting......

I'm sure the knows this, what's the point of this comment?

DadJoke · 30/09/2024 00:18

How long has step dad been on the scene? Does he act as a parent?

qualifiedazure · 30/09/2024 00:20

Of course she doesn't want to stay at your house if she's in conflict with your husband. At 13 she can choose.

Meadowfinch · 30/09/2024 00:27

Firstly, calm down. Your dd is safe and you know where she is. Make sure she has everything that she needs for school tomorrow.

Then, calmly, in the cold light of day, look at why she has chosen to leave. How long has your new dh lived with you. Does he interfere in her life, try to parent her?

Let her chose to live at her dad's. Don't get cross, don't blame her. This may be her telling you she cannot cope with your dh any longer. You may have to choose between them. Or she may stay with her dad for a short period and then want to come back.

Either way, it is now her decision to make.

Original poster

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:27

@shellyleppard I know. But then found this chat page and thought might be more relevant here. Just after advice and support but seem to be getting bashed even more

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 30/09/2024 00:29

@mrsgfk yeah it must be a difficult situation. However I think your daughter is old enough to make up her own mind??? I'm sure her dad will realise how difficult it is to be a full time parent soon enough

Original poster

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:29

@DadJoke for 6.5 years, married 4 also got a 5 year old son
Step dad does everything for her, attends all school stuff, takes to all clubs, friends etc we equally parent her and make all joint decisions. Prob 1 day every 3 months they will argue. 2 weeks ago DD and SD (husbands DD) where bickering so they both lost their phones. Standard punishment for teenagers. My DD kicked off and went mental, SD just handed it over. It's stuff like that.

OP posts:

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 30/09/2024 00:32

She's been trapped in a miserable home with your choice of man for years while you watched them argue constantly and did nothing. Let her go. Hopefully her dad will prioritise her.

Original poster

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:33

@Meadowfinch she'll have to change schools. We live 45 mins apart.

So she won't be in school for a period of time I assume while he tries to move her across.

I know he'll realise how difficult she can truly be and I'll know she'll miss her home comforts...... but they are also both very stubborn!

And just because DD has said she wants to stay do I have to let her if I truly know she is better here? She's just throwing a little strop and being aloud to get away with it it seems but doesn't even begin to understand the repercussions for these actions on her schooling, me, her siblings and her not being with her mum. She don't even ask her dad to buy her sanitary products as she doesn't like asking him for anything. She removed her make up before going to his and styles differently, I'm confused and hurt and worried for future for us all

OP posts:

StormingNorman · 30/09/2024 00:34

It’s not just one argument every few months though. Your DD is obviously unhappy and masking it. This is normal…kids in blended families are not allowed to speak up or act out if they don’t want to be part of the new family. They get called dictators and brats so they learn to shut up and play nice.

You need to speak to your daughter, not lay this at your exH’s door.

Starlightstarbright3 · 30/09/2024 00:35

At 13 she will be considered old enough to make a choice.

my advise - invite her over to talk - be calm , look at what needs to happen to improve things at home .

she may be offloading to her DF .. this may be part the reason she is crying .

This isn’t a fix in 2 minutes job .

Meadowfinch · 30/09/2024 00:41

At 13, she is entitled to make her own choice, yes.

You seem to be minimising her feelings, calling it a little strop when it might be more serious than that, and worrying about the impact on you and on her siblings.

Maybe look at it from her point of view. She might not want to live with your choice of man and his random dd.

All you can do is let her experience life with her dad and then make her fully-informed choice.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/09/2024 00:41

I think you're going to get the same responses in this section OP.

Original poster

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:42

@Meadowfinch random DD not sure what that means. And she's lived very happily for 7 years with me and 6.5 with her SD. Without saying anything about moving to dads ever. Today very very out of the blue

OP posts:

Mmhmmn · 30/09/2024 00:44

You need to spend some dedicated time understanding from her how she feels. And also ask exH what she has said about why she doesn’t want to live with you any more. I can’t imagine it’s at all easy when your mum moves a new father figure into your life. Did it happen quickly after your split with your exH?

Meadowfinch · 30/09/2024 00:49

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:42

Well, I think you are about to find out if she has been happy for the last six years or just tolerating a miserable situation that was outside her control, to keep you happy.

If she has been genuinely unhappy living with your new dh, then she'll stay at her dad's. If it is 'just a little strop' as you think, she will come back after a short while.

But prepare yourself. Blended families very seldom work, and you may have lost her for the next few years. All you can do is stay in contact, reiterate that you love her and you just want her to be happy.

millymollymoomoo · 30/09/2024 06:48

You keep saying she’s lived happily with you for 6 years. But that’s not the case. There’s been high conflict according to your other posts

o I think you need to calm down. There’s no need for police or family court. She’s 13 and safe with her dad. She can stay there an extra few days.

think about family therapy/.mediation and let your dd talk openly where you actually listen to her

just tell her y ou love her and and ready to listen when she’s ready to talk.

hopefully it’s a short strip but if something more
if ultimately she does want t to stay at dads at 13 that is her choice and a court would allow it.

Bestyearever2024 · 30/09/2024 06:53

The important thing is to (when you can) allow DD to explain

Listen to her

Hear her

And then sort out the problems so that she can be happy

Let her stay with her Dad for now. It'll help both DD and ex understand each other better 🤨

lololulu · 30/09/2024 06:58

The title is misleading

sashh · 30/09/2024 07:02

To be honest OP I don't blame her.

She will have her dad to herself compared to being in a house with a step parent, younger sibling and SS occasionally.

BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.

It hasn't been fine, she has just stopped trying to stick up for herself because it sounds like you don't listen.

Her step father is an adult, she is a child with, as you said SEN, so why is he bickering with her?

qazxc · 30/09/2024 07:09

I understand this was a shock but right now she is safe and cared for. Now you, her dad and her need to sit down calmly and discuss next steps. Why does she want to live with dad? What would life look like at his ( changing schools for example)?
There's a strong possibility that she may not have been as happy in your home as you think she has. How would you deal with this?
It is fresh and highly emotionally charged right now, everyone needs a chance to process and discuss what has and will happen in a calmer frame of mind.

SheilaFentiman · 30/09/2024 07:13

Look, OP, I don’t think you have done anything wrong particularly in blending a family. And you are where you are.

But you need to start from where you are and listen to your DD. Not involve the police when she is safe and well with her other parent.

The court would take very seriously her desire to live with him, if they both want it. However, this needs lots of conversations, possibly with a meditator or therapist, between you, ex, DD and various permutations.

Whilst this has been a sudden change, is it à considered one? Does she realise she would have to change schools? Or is your ex able to facilitate her travel? What does she want the new “contact pattern” to be, whoever is the RP?

spuddy4 · 30/09/2024 07:13

mrsgfk · 30/09/2024 00:42

She hasn't lived very happily though has she? You said in your first post that she argues with your husband a lot, that's not living happily.

MeMyCatsAndI · 30/09/2024 07:14

Unfortunately at 13 she's old enough to decide where she wants to live, the court can't force her to go back to yours.

The best thing to do is work on your relationship with her, and sort out the issues with the step dad.

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