Dad didn't let DD come home

[mrsgfk]

We have no court order residency agreement as we agreed and it's just worked fine for 7.5 years.
So my daughter 13 went to her dad's for his contact weekend.
For context for 7 years we have been separated/divorced she has gone every other weekend. BUT tonight he's refused to let her come home. She even said she didn't want to come home ☹️😱 now mostly down to the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker - but who doesn't with your average teenager! then throw in a teenager who has SEN needs and struggles emotionally. BUT recently everything at home has been fine, more than fine. No argument's or issues for ages. I could have understood if this was off the back of some previous issues but recently more than 6 months or even 12 of nothing but fine fun.
He was meant to drop her back at 1800. Didn't. I drove to his, he opened door and said he's had enough of all the issues at my house and daughter has decided she wants to live with him now. She backed this, albeit it behind him in tears.
Police called as I wanted to see her alone to talk and wouldn't leave but had to in end.

I've read I need to do mediation before I can take him to family court. But I'm so worried that she'll tell court she wants to stay with him and that will be that she'll be gone.

I know I need to get the full reason as to her "why she wants to stay" then I might understand or be able to rectify things or smooth past issues but right now just so worried that it will take months, tones of cash and in end she'll say she wants to stay there and court will agree.

I'm broken. She's hard work but she's my hard work. Dad has no idea what she's really like and how difficult parenting her can truly be sometimes.

Any info people can share be so good xx and mega thanks in advance

On here, you have compared her reaction to DSD. That might be a one off, but if you do it “to her face” - please stop. I have two boys and they react very differently to punishments, because they are different people - one feels awful if he is told off and the other is stubborn and pretends not to care. They are just different people, one reaction isn’t better or the right one.

You can phone your local authority and tell them you have equal PR and don't give permission for dad to remove her from the school she's at or enrol her at a different one. If this is something that can be sorted out it would be a shame to take her away from her friends. You need to get on this quickly, my ex took my daughter 2.5 years ago and I haven't seen or spoken to her since.

Op, I mean this kindly. But you need to back off her at the moment.

Calling the Police, will have just made this worse. She had made a decision. I know it’s hard for you. But it’s not about you.

It might turn out to be a bad decision. But she can always choose to come home, can’t she? It’s not like she can’t change her mind.

Trying to figure out how you can force her home, isn’t going to make her want to return home anymore.

She hasn’t lived with you happily. You have a grown man bickering and falling out with her. She has also acquired at least 2 new siblings. It’s likely things have been quiet for a while because she has kind of checked out. I would bet she has been considering this from time to time for a while. The fact that she hasn’t mentioned anything to you, isn’t surprising. She probably doesn’t want to upset you and/or knew how you would react.

I am not saying you should have been alone forever, but blending families is very difficult and often the kids involved don’t like it to some degree.

She is old enough to make this choice. Just like if she had come home last night she is old enough to make that choice.

I think you need to back off, tell her you love her and respect her decision. Make arrangements to regularly see her and keep daily contact. Make sure she knows she is loved and missed and supported.

Call the local authority, tell them you both have PR and you don't give permission to remove her from current school or enrol her at another. Hopefully this can be sorted and she isn't taken away from friends. You need to sort this quickly, my ex took my daughter 2.5 years ago and I haven't seen her since.

As others have said, breathe and try to come at this rationally. I'd call Ex and ask for a family meeting, either at his or a neutral location today with him and DD. No one else.
Tell them that you want DD to be happy. That you want to support her. That she needs to go to school also. So can you all have a discussion about what would work for DD. If arrangements need to be changed you are open to discussing this but that also it needs to include school arrangements. If she says that she wants to live with Ex for a bit then explain that this is possible but a school needs to be found first and that until then she has to go to her current school. So either ex drives her daily to and from or she comes back until this can be sorted. If she wants some different arrangements at your home then this can also be discussed. The point is really she needs to feel like you are being reasonable and not dismissing her ideas.

If he's only 45 minutes away then there's no need to change school this week, she can have a long journey until half term whilst you seek family mediation.

Sounds to be though like she's been wanting this for a long time, and the phone incident was the final straw that made her decide, she does love you but she wants to live with her dad which there's nothing wrong with

@WhamBamThankU dad hasn’t taken her!

op daughter wants to stay with her dad- at least temporarily.

emotions and tempers need to calm down then some proper talking AND LISTENING.

at the moment I expect dd does not feel heard. Family therapy could help

In your first post you describe the turbulent relationship she has with her step dad (my husband) they clash, argue, bicker

But then you say they only argue four times a year.

Which is it?

She's 13yr old and has decided she wants to live with her Dad at an important time of her life (body changes, hormonal changes, exams in the near future etc) I think you should let her.

You have a busy house, a DH, a young DC, a SD to consider and it sounds like it would just be your DD and her Dad at his house, maybe she prefers that.

What I would say though, is step back now. If she's absent from school, let them know she's in her Dad's care and he needs to get her there (regardless of whether she's 45mins away) and any fines for absence should go to him.

If a new school needs to be arranged for her, let Dad organise that, do all the paperwork etc.

I would drop him a note to say "remember DD needs sanitary products" but leave it to him to sort out. If he's going to be the main parent, he needs to work these things out for himself because he'll be the one handling school runs and period product purchases etc moving forward.

There's a chance she will decide she wants to move back to you, but also she may decide she prefers living with her Dad and she should be able to do that with your blessing; you're her mother not her jailor and living with a parent is what kids do, there's nothing unusual or unhealthy about that.

My advice to do child inclusive mediation. See www.nfm.org.uk/nfm-direct/child-inclusive-mediation/

I appreciate that, but I know how hard it is to turn things around if the child wanted to change their mind. I advise about blocking school moves as I know from experience they can do this, and change GP etc all without mums knowledge so I try to help others get a handle on it incase it goes that way. And mum cannot just not be fully pushed out of the child's life. I agree counselling together might be a good idea.

If you've read the parenting books enough to know that teenagers 'clash & argue', then you'll have also read that children will often do anything to please their parents.

You should give some thought to the notion that she has never liked your husband, hated it when everything moved so ridiculously quickly and she ended up with a sibling, but pretended to be happy because you were. Got to teenagehood and thought fuck this,

Ask yourself how much you listened to her and considered her feelings whilst you surged forward with your new life.

Either way, you will need to actually listen to her now.

She is safe at her dads. I Would give her a week or so to process and see how she feels about the reality of either the drive or the change of schools.

You need to prepare yourself that she's happier doing that than living with a nonrelated man she clashes with, being compared to a perfect step sibling, and noisy younger child.

Our children's happiness comes first. (Imo). Amd if she's happier at her dads, that's her choice.

You need to calm down and stop reacting. The person who made this decision is your daughter and right now it is her you are fighting with. It is her decision you are thwarting and it is essentially her you will be fighting in court.

She wants to be at her father’s. Let her be at her fathers for however long that will be.

A lot is being said about your husband and her arguing now downgraded to bickering which is equally toxic. But what is your behaviour in all this?

You responded to this badly. You describe your daughter as being present when he told you she didn’t want to go with you and that she was upset and crying. What did you do ? In the other post your said you were crying in response to her decision. Then you called the police.

This isn’t good. Maybe it is understandable that you were upset. But you are the adult and the parent. That means you have to behave like one even if you aren’t feeling it and even if they push your buttons and test boundaries. This is a teen dynamic and only one of you is a teen. The same goes for bickering.

The stronger and harder you react the more risk you have that she will respond in a stronger and harder way.

Firstly I have to say that I have limited experience of children with SEN but, playing devils advocate, could she see the rules and discipline in your home as a sign you don't care for her as much as her Dad who lets her do what she wants? This could be projected onto her step father who also enforces the rules in your home.

Is staying at her Dad's a way of getting you to prove how much you love her by fighting to get her back? If you leave her there will it prove to her you are happier and life is easier with her out of the way? I know You don't think this but does she?

You obviously know your child and husband better than randoms here.

You write about your daughter as though she is some sort of chattel that your ex is withholding from you. She is an autonomous person, with feelings, and she is choosing to stay with him rather than you.

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking of things from her perspective. Find out why she is so unhappy (I think we know why), and how she can be happier - whether that’s with you or your ex.

You should have ended the relationship with your current husband the instant he chose to clash, argue and bicker with your child. Never allow him to do this ever again.