Finally caught him, what now?

[OhGodIAmTired]

A year ago I had our second baby and I felt my husband of 9yrs (12yrs together) seemed distant. A few weeks later he told me we’d drifted apart and couldn’t see us getting the closeness back. Because he never really wanted kids and he missed his freedom and fun.

for months we did therapy and he told me how awful I was, how unhappy he’d been, why he couldn’t take it… didn’t want to stay together for the kids but I asked (begged) to at least try whilst our baby was so tiny.

it all felt really weird - he’d been distant for some time and treated me v badly but it got worse. I sensed there was someone else (lots of the usual signs!) but he was SO CONVINCING when I accused him.

i was totally gaslit and he moved out when our baby was 8m. I’ve been devastated. And in a terrible place financially. My self esteem disappeared and I’ve been very depressed.

he has been… fine. Wonderful in fact.

but that gut feeling… it didn’t go away.

today he finally left his phone unattended whilst visiting the kids and I saw his messages… to the woman I suspected, saying “I love you”

I said nothing.

what would you do next?

we haven’t yet begun divorce proceedings and things have been reasonably amicable so far.

In the most coldblooded way possible, start planning to get the best financial deal possible out of this divorce.
Don’t let your feelings or humanity get in the way of getting the absolute best possible deal for you and your children.
He certainly didn’t let that get in the way of being a total sh**

yes. learn to trust yourself. he lied and doesn’t have your interests at heart. smile, play hardball, and don’t let the creep think he has an effect on you. time will heal this. he isn’t worth letting him rob you of your self esteem.

I would make the divorce last as long as you possibly can. Play dumb.

Play softly softly, get him round as often as you can for "chats about the kids" she will hate that.

Be really amicable, while gathering all the evidence you need.

How do I gather evidence? His phone is usually kept VERY close to him.

does infidelity influence the divorce process at all?

I took time off work to care for both kids and his career has taken off… he seems guilty and wants to give the kids everything but not sure if he really means that.

Get a CMS claim in asap.

I don't think the infidelity will influence the divorce process. I would suggest that you see a solicitor and get legal advice asap. I would want to get the divorce done as swiftly as possible and move on with your life. Don't trust him an inch - he is obviously an accomplished liar. Galvanise all your strength because he will probably get nasty when he realises you mean business.

What evidence do you need?

the reason for divorce has no baring or the divorce process or settlement

You don't need evidence, divorce is no fault and you don't get more because of infidelity.

What I hate the most is that he’s played the victim in all this: poor hardworking guy who just couldn’t stay unhappily married to the nut job anymore. And now he’s the model coparent.

i want to be able to tell the world he’s a controlling, narcissistic piece of shit!

His guilt won't last long, he'll turn nasty soon enough. Without wanting to sound like a ruthless ice queen, get a wiggle on with financial agreements now while he's feeling guilty and giving because it will not last.

Stay as nice as pie. Don’t confront him or accuse him of anything. You will be more likely to get what you need if you are ‘amicable’. Get legal advice.

Is he paying for your home, bills etc at the moment?

You have children who deserve better than living through their parents playing games or slinging mud. Both of you now need to work out the best divorce outcome for them. Which means they have 2 happy and capable parents involved in their lives.

Get a divorce settlement that allows you to be the best parent you can. Dont be offended if he does the same thing. Agree a co parenting arrangement that enables you both to work and have fulfilling lives. The best thing you can agree is something that recognises you will rely on each other for years to come. One day you will want to call him and ask him to pick up the children because you are working late. One day your kids will want to plan a wedding that doesn’t require high level diplomacy to have you both there.

You won’t get any value from evidencing his new relationship. A lawyer will just charge you money to listen and do nothing. Your mutual friends will listen but most of them won’t want to be in middle of it. Your own family and friends will take your side and they can be where you vent.

I would tell him you know he is seeing someone but not how you found out. There’s no point in accusing him of overlapping you don’t know for sure this happened. People can do the maths. Instead tell him you want there to be no disparagement of each other going forward to mutual friends or to the children. Neither of you want to be gossiped about and gossips will lap it all up and one day you kids will get wind of it all.

There are real practical reasons why you shouldn’t start hitting back at him. In a divorce no one person holds all the cards. If you make things difficult and uncomfortable for him he will do the same to you.

No point gathering evidence. It makes zero difference to the outcome of one partner has cheated.

it will only cause you pain. You know all you need to know. Hope it helps you realise what a spineless, disrespectful shit he is. It’s not even about the affair - it’s about not having the balls to have a grown up discussion about it

use this experience to remind you to get the best possible deal for you and kids. He wasn’t thinking about you at all, so make sure you don’t accept a poorer deal because you feel bad for him

As well as all the good advice above (especially from @LemonTT ) I would
probably casually mention to people whenever the subject comes up that the split was because he was having an affair with X.

doesn’t matter you don’t have “official” proof. That will come when they go public with their relationship. No matter what he says (no we didn’t get together til after the split!) to other people they won’t believe him. The fact you knew enough to mention it to people before the new relationship was confirmed tells everyone what you need to know.

(this advice is just about your fear that he’s painted himself as a poor lovely guy married to “a nut job”.)

Jesus!

What a stupid advice.

Yeah that’s just not my vibe. I don’t care if it annoys her or not. Shes a piece of shit too but I also feel sorry for her now being responsible for that selfish, vain, controlling man-child.

however I am having fun with him making plans and changing arrangements last minute when I know full well he’s got plans with her despite saying he’s going home to be alone 😂

Fun in the sense of watching him squirm and lie and me knowing that’s what he’s doing at last rather than falling for it 😂

Keep the info close to your chest for now. Start gathering evidence of everything. Finance docs, bank accounts, passports. Mentally set some long term goals for you and the kids in terms of where you want to live, how you want to split assets and so on. Get legal advice asap but without him knowing yet. I doubt the infidelity will make any difference to the divorce proceedings but I would also document any evidence you can find - screenshot messages etc etc. Dig around on social media. It's going to hurt but you can do it x

Agree with @catsnore
Good luck with it.
I really wished you were talking about a spider based on thread title but this is real life and sadly we are talking about a grown man.
Edited to say grown shouldn't really be there.

Having been in your position a few years back, unfortunately there's no fault in divorce anymore, so his infidelity is irrelevant legally. From that perspective you're better off spending some time sorting out your paperwork and noting what assets he has, then pressing on with the divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (which he would have to admit, or you could but I suspect if you just tell him you know about his infidelity then he won't quibble it).

Obviously emotionally I would be all for revenge but reality is it doesn't really do any good for anyone in the long term. Keep your dignity, get the divorce done.

My husband was booted out in April, decree absolute don't by December.

Well balanced advice.

Infidelity doesn’t make a difference to the settlement, which is the only thing that REALLY matters.

Hopefully though this has given you clarity and ruthlessness!

Stay amicable and go 100% at using both his guilt and (eventually) the best hardball solicitor to get as much as you can.

Then one day, when it’s all over (and very likely they are all over too!) - let him know that you knew, and found his lies both highly amusing as well as truly invaluable in helping you get through it - knowing what a worthless man he was.

Pretend and be polite to his face whilst doing everything you can to screw him over and destroy him, just like he did to you.

I'm sorry this happened to you and he sounds awful.

I wonder why both of you continued to have children knowing he didn't want kids. This sounds like a recipe for unhappiness all round, especially for the children. It's a shame.

You don't need to prove it to anyone and it won't help you in the divorce process. You are primary carer. Don't spin the divorce out as advised upthread. Divorce as quickly as possible while he's feeling guilty. Tell your solicitor but don't tell ex that you know, if at all possible. He may get a less beneficial share of assets if he's living with a partner.