Finally caught him, what now?

[OhGodIAmTired]

A year ago I had our second baby and I felt my husband of 9yrs (12yrs together) seemed distant. A few weeks later he told me we’d drifted apart and couldn’t see us getting the closeness back. Because he never really wanted kids and he missed his freedom and fun.

for months we did therapy and he told me how awful I was, how unhappy he’d been, why he couldn’t take it… didn’t want to stay together for the kids but I asked (begged) to at least try whilst our baby was so tiny.

it all felt really weird - he’d been distant for some time and treated me v badly but it got worse. I sensed there was someone else (lots of the usual signs!) but he was SO CONVINCING when I accused him.

i was totally gaslit and he moved out when our baby was 8m. I’ve been devastated. And in a terrible place financially. My self esteem disappeared and I’ve been very depressed.

he has been… fine. Wonderful in fact.

but that gut feeling… it didn’t go away.

today he finally left his phone unattended whilst visiting the kids and I saw his messages… to the woman I suspected, saying “I love you”

I said nothing.

what would you do next?

we haven’t yet begun divorce proceedings and things have been reasonably amicable so far.

Brilliant OP! 😂

It would seem that the husband only admitted retrospectively to not wanting children.
In other words he tricked her because he thought that would allow him to get what he wanted out of the relationship at her expense.

Get it done fast. You can divorce on the grounds of adultery, separation or unreasonable behaviour. While you do want to be prepared, it’s better that you are cooperative on the fact of a divorce, if not the particulars.

Go gray rock on any emotional manipulation.

If he isn’t a complete narcissist, his guilt is likely to make him offer you a better financial settlement. Gather every piece of information on assets in his sole name to ensure his financial declaration is correct. If you are able negotiate via mediation - you can talk to the mediator separately. This will avoid expensive legal wars.

But if he gets angry about finances tell him to contact your solicitor.

No fault divorce. You don't even need to give a reason. Irretrievable breakdown of marriage,

You can cite his infidelity as a reason for divorce. It’s only no fault after a length of time.
You can name her on the divorce petition although your solicitor will advise you otherwise.

Why did you have children with someone who didn’t want them?

If he moved out 4 months ago what was the original plan? To get divorced anyway?

How is that a helpful question? She has the kids, she can't send them back! It is also fairly clear this is just something he is saying now to justify his behaviour.

I don't think that is an unfair question. My father didn't want children, my mother told him she couldn't have them when they met...within 6 months of them meeting she was pregnant with. my older brother. Late 60s, my mother is Catholic so he HAD to marry her...ended up having 3 children within 5 years. He'd also lied about his age, was 5 years younger than my mother, he turned 20 the day after my older brother was born.

My father HATED being a parent, and escaped to work abroad when I was 9. Barely saw him after that, he left my mother for another woman 6 months after my younger brother turned 18. He was a crap father, my mother was a shit mother who put her marriage before her children with the result that my childhood was stressful and utterly crap.

My mother now wonders why she has no grandchildren.

THIS

I began being kind compassionate caring to my ex (who walked out just before baby was born) and regret it all now, he had no appreciation for it and treats me even worse now than when we were a couple.

He will try and take the kids that he didn't want at least 50/50 as soon as he realizes he had to pay for them!

Speak to a lawyer and make a plan before you leave him.

Can you use his face to open it while he's sleeping?

Only if he's not willing to give more than the cms amount - he might be

Infidelity doesn't make a bit of difference sadly

Doesn't matter what he has done. UK has no fault divorce. His infidelity might affect how friends and family view him, might even make him feel guilty, but won't get you a better divorce 'deal'. Concentrate on looking after yourself and your DC and moving forward.

There is some confusion here about "evidence".

You don't need any evidence of his affair etc. that is irrelevant.

What you need is evidence of his financial situation, just in case he tries to hide money and assets, to cheat you out of a fair settlement.
You need things like copies of his payslips and P60s, self-employed accounts and tax returns, pension statements, bank and savings account statements, mortgage statements, car finance documents, stuff like that.
Pretend nothing at all is wrong, keep smiling as normal, whilst you gather this evidence.

He is supposed to declare all this to the solicitors/court, but liars and cheats have been known to lie to court about their finances.

@Viviennemary i know. Which is my point. No point gathering anything as it makes zero difference

and all this game playing advice on here.

lemontt as always has the best advice.

1-If a man doesn't want children then he should have a vasectomy or abstain from the activity which results in conception.
2-it appears from the OP's posts that this man either pretended to want them, or is now claiming he didn't in order to justify his behaviour

this sounds much more fun than other suggestions

When I said evidence, I meant, bank statements, pensions, get all the finances together so you know what you have access to, then see a solicitor.

Don't tell him, play the dumb wife, wishing he would come home.....

Then whoooosh

So what I said then...

Just to be clear, the children were both planned and wanted. I had two miscarriages. He’s just a lying arsehole trying to cover up for sleeping with someone else.

Oh and yes, we are already firmly on the track to legal divorce. No chance of reconciliation even before I had proof he was a cheat.

Affairs happen and I get that. The lying and leaving your children penniless is something else.

It does suck @OhGodIAmTired. I am 10
Years down the line a happily remarried to the right man now but it doesn't stop me still being resentful that it is me and my DH who have bought the kids up to be decent humans and paid for everything while their dad does his self entitled Disney dad act. It's just something you can to accept and give little brain space to or it'll do you and the kids no good in the long run.