I know it’s the right thing deep down.

[Hillsong]

Hi

need a bit of a hand hold. Finally putting my big girl pants on and asking for separation. Although part of me feels that I’m over reacting and I should just put up with what I have.
I am fed up for begging for couples counselling, for the bare minimum for love and affection. I’ve been to therapy he refuses. He tells me he loves me but I don’t see it!
he has a drinking problem and he has a short fuse with the little ones but they adore him. He calls me awful names when we have a disagreement or i bring up an issue. Then he will shut down. He will happily not talk for days on end and I just feel so lonely.

he has told his family lies that I am controlling but he regularly gets to go to his hobbies and I don’t. Having a shower/ shopping is me having alone time.
I feel so used but every time I want to tell
him we need to talk I buckle, i feel
like I’m over reacting and the room mate stage of marriage is normal. I do love him but he changed I’ve grown and this marriage is killing me. He’s a little older than me and we met when I was 18. We’ve been 17 years married. It’s all
i know.
He just shows affection when he wants sex and that’s it.
is there light at the end of the tunnel?
I work, house is joint think if we downsize we could both get somewhere with the equity.
I want to tell him that he can be as involved as he wants with the children. More than happy to things together. I don’t hate him he can be a good father. We might even get on better co parenting.

Best of luck

You need to give yourself a chance to be happy. Please go for it. Good luck. I'm in the same situation.

He's abusive and has a drink problem. You will be so much better off without this in your life. That kind of thing only goes one way and that's downhill. It does sound like you have thought through your options and reached a conclusion.

Don’t ask for a separation…tell him. I made that mistake. Made it sound like staying together was an option when I knew it wasn’t. This has ended in six months of ‘trying’ I don’t want (see my thread about living with the mental load!).

This time I have a plan, have got advice about my options and somewhere to go. I wrote him a letter first time and haven’t ruled it out this time. I fear being judged for it being the easy way out but the face to face conversations will come later and I value being able to get my point across without the emotion of the moment.

I came to say don't ask for what you need, you have tried the other option for for far too long. I wouldn't bother with a discussion about how the childrens care will be divied up, just nod and smile when he says of course it will be 50:50 because he knows that will weaken you. Be strong and keep your eyes on a better future.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorceseparation/5114650-things-ive-noticed-since-the-divorce

Thank you for the advice.
I sat him down last night and told him how I was feeling. I was berated for telling him on a Sunday night. (Didn’t think there was a good night to do it)
he wanted times and dates for when he made feel in a certain way ( I feel we are always having the same conversations)
he tried telling me I was putting words in his mouth and it was all in my head.
Blames me for always working.
Just said that I always think he can’t do anything right?!
He told me that I must hate him then and want him to leave. I made it clear that I didn’t and that I want separation so I don’t end up hating him.
just said he doesn’t want a divorce and he can stop drinking. ( we’ve gone round in circles so many times with the drinking one)
Not once he said that he loved me.
More conceded if I had spoken to anyone or not.

Just stick to your guns OP. These are all emotional abuse tactics he’s using to try to manipulate you eg questioning when you’ve told him, wanting to argue about who is right or wrong etc. Tell him at the end of the day it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong this is your decision and you won’t be changing your mind.

Please reconsider if he is safe to have access to your children if he has a drinking problem and a short fuse around them.

I feel in a very similar position. My husband doesn’t drink however the silent treatment, lack of emotional support, only showing affection when he wants sex is all the same. I also have opted for therapy alone as he wouldn’t go and I often feel like maybe I’m overreacting and things aren’t that bad really.

however, I’ve been on this roller coaster for 5 years now and I’m ready to get off. There is more to life than being with someone who doesn’t appreciate you. The drinking & verbal abuse he gives you is disgusting behavior to the mother of his children. Why would you want to have sex with someone like that.

Hold tight, it’s not going to be easy but a year from now you’ll be so glad you did it and I bet you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted.

I could have written most of that myself. I had the comment about him feeling like he couldn't do anything right too!

And the needing to know when he's done things wrong. I started down the path of giving examples but you know, I don't want to have to point out these things. It should be common sense to think about how you speak to someone and how they might interpret things. Our is often mess and housework...he likes things really tidy and we've had arguments in the past. So any time he mentions he's cleared up or tidied something of mine away I'm on edge that he's upset. And then he is surprised I feel that way when he didn't mean anything by it.

The emotional blackmail is what gets me...being told me leaving was worse than his parents dying was a particularly low moment. That's why the next time I am telling him and going. I don't feel strong enough to withstand it.