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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Divorce is killing him….

35 replies

Weeeee · 11/09/2024 19:03

How can I help my friend?

Initially amicable divorce and now, for no reason given, his ex has come on full force. By that I mean restricting his access to the kids (eg. not allowed to ring them, can only see them one day a week etc). Accusations of abuse/accusations of adultery, accusations that he is lying about money. All untrue but leaving his broken. She now wants 70% of all assets. She has refused mediation and all is heading to court.

I can’t even begin to express how much of a great man this person he is, a fantastic Dad. He has so much support in us his friends and family but this is pushing him to the brink of suicide.

How can help him? What can he do? His solicitor is very slow to respond to most things. He feels entirely lost. Are there any men out there who have been through similar?

Any help/advice would much appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsJRHartley · 11/09/2024 19:08

You never really know what has gone on in a marriage.

Mrsttcno1 · 11/09/2024 19:08

I agree with previous poster, stay out of it.

SilenceInside · 11/09/2024 19:11

Encourage him to get mental health support and a new solicitor if the current one is unresponsive. Other than that, you cannot know what the ins and outs are of their relationship, and even if you did, there's nothing you can do if it's going to court.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 11/09/2024 19:12

I think all you can do is be there for him.

However, you need to understand that you don’t know what goes on in a marriage. Even a close friend doesn’t know.

He needs to address visitation through his solicitor. How old are the children?

And I would advise this even if this turns out to be a reverse and it’s a woman. I would support my best friend through divorce (best friend is female) however I would also understand I was only getting her version. With these things there’s always 3 sides. Each person has a point of view which is completely different to the other persons. And the truth is often another version.

WeAreWhereWeAre · 11/09/2024 19:20

As PPs have said - just be there for him.

No one knows what truly goes on in a marriage. But could he get some counselling/mental health support to get him through this?

countrysidelife2024 · 11/09/2024 19:29

are you the OW?

No but seriously you never know, i dated a great man once. I was his friend for 13 years and everyone loved him. So sweet.

but i saw all the red flags when i dated him so i left. 4 years later he was sentenced for beating his girlfriend up to near death and He had Class A Child abuse on his tech. You never know a person

Original poster
Weeeee · 11/09/2024 20:02

No I’m a family friend of his Father. I was worried we might get responses like this. We know the accusations are untrue, this has been admitted by his wife. We were hoping for some more practical advice from maybe other men or other parties who had been through similar. But I genuinely thank those who have taken the time to respond whether it was positive or negative.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 11/09/2024 20:09

Family friend of his father? Why on earth are you even thinking it's appropriate to poke into this?
Unless you know a shit hot divorce solicitor then I have no idea what you think you can do or what advice he needs.
Obviously since you KNOW she has lied you must have heard a recording of her saying so, tell him to keep it for his case.

Original poster
Weeeee · 11/09/2024 20:15

I am utterly gobsmacked that a kind post, purely seeking advice for someone who is basically family to me, on behalf of his Mum and Dad who are at their wits end, has escalated in to this. I am a normal person who honestly just wanted advice.

Thanks Mumsnet but I’m out!

OP posts:
SonicTheHodgeheg · 11/09/2024 20:19

Has he submitted a request for a Child Arrangement Order? It will take some time but he will get contact back.

Assuming that you have accurate info and playing Devil’s Advocate, the ex won’t be the first person to be horrified how much worse off she will be post divorce. It’s hard to comment whether the 70% is unreasonable or not because we don’t know how much each parent earns etc but even if this person is a brilliant friend to you, you don’t know how he behaves towards his ex. Many abusers have friends and family who will swear that the person is fab when they are anything but behind closed doors.

If your friend has legal representation then he could pay them to correspond with the wife?

StormingNorman · 11/09/2024 20:29

He needs a better solicitor. How old are the children?

INeedAnotherName · 11/09/2024 20:37

Assuming you are in England or Wales.

By that I mean restricting his access to the kids
He needs to go to court for access.

accusations that he is lying about money.
He needs to fill in Form E. Lying on it is an offence as it is a legal/court document.

Accusations of abuse/accusations of adultery,
No comment to the abuse but nobody cares about adultery anymore (legally).

She now wants 70% of all assets
He needs to fill in Form E, and instruct a solicitor.

She has refused mediation and all is heading to court.
Can't do that. Mediation has to be done first, unless there is evidence of abuse.

How can help him? What can he do?
Advise him to get a solicitor. If he gets a bad/slow one then he needs to find another.

If he is being "tipped over the edge" he needs to speak to his GP.

He needs professional help. He does not need "friend of his father" to interfere in this process as you can, and will, make the process worse.

Luna42 · 11/09/2024 20:40

@INeedAnotherName - You have covered everything so well, great advice

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 20:46

If your friend wants access to his kids, then he takes his wife to court, obviously. Why hasn't he done this already?

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 11/09/2024 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tigertigertigertiger · 11/09/2024 20:54

Such nasty responses

SheilaFentiman · 11/09/2024 21:03

If the ex wife is having the kids the majority of the time, then 70% of the assets may not be an unreasonable starting point from her solicitor. Not saying she will end up there, but it’s not an entirely wacky place to start.

User364837 · 11/09/2024 21:06

It sounds like it’s a good thing it’s going to court, as stressful as that is. If he is as you say then he shouldn’t feel too concerned as the courts look favourably on 50/50 with fathers and them having lots of contact.

PurpleCheese · 11/09/2024 21:11

I know someone who went through this. It went to court, the judge dismissed all the wife's lies. I have no practical advice but wish your friend all the best. It is very cruel of his ex. and not in the best interests of the children.

Babycatsarenice · 11/09/2024 21:14

Well my brothers soon to be ex wife is doing exactly the same threatening all sorts and going after his inherited money. It's true an outsider never knows what's going on in someone else's relationship. But there are some horrible, vengeful, self entitled women out there too. Best thing you can do is just be there as a friend to listen. You could suggest therapy to help too. Be someone they can vent too if needed

Lincoln24 · 11/09/2024 21:18

MrsJRHartley · 11/09/2024 19:08

You never really know what has gone on in a marriage.

This is true, but most of us support our own friends through break ups - if a good mate of mine was going through this my response would be to help too, not throw my hands up and claim I couldn't possibly know the truth of what went on between them!

Most of the responses on here are awful.

whynotwhatknot · 11/09/2024 21:27

it will take a wile but let it go to court ts not looked on favourably if one party refuses mediation

happene to a family friend the jugde bolloked her ahbout making up lies and gave the father access

like i said it will take a while he nees to be patient

TwinklyNight · 11/09/2024 22:00

Just assure him that court is best, he will get visitation and have the child support amount regulated. Any abuse needs to be proven, and infidelity probably wouldn't really affect his rights to visitation nowadays. (not sure about that.

Mintgum · 11/09/2024 22:13

OP if this was a woman mumsnet would have been up in arms but because you friend is a man most will say he deserves it two faced on hear.
Not many mumnetters believe a man can be right and a woman can be abusive.
Only have to read the CM thread to see how far some mums go for money treating kids as piggy banks enough is never enough for some.
And most say the same thing its for the child yes but it seems to be funding your life style instead.
Only to day on a thread i saw a comment that said take him for everything he`s got.

I wish your friend well my great uncle was pushed so far by his wife duing a divorce not seeing the kids want more than her share etc he got to breaking point and he ended it because everyone took her side nothing but lies.
Until the truth came out but it was too late by then.
Truth came out she was having an affair lots to the story.

Seas164 · 11/09/2024 22:13

With all due respect, I cannot imagine that friends of my parents inserting themselves in my divorce, however well meaning, would have helped me one bit.

You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, there is no absolute truth, they will both have a version of events. If you want to help I think your remit ends at being a listening ear for your friends should they seek one out rather than anything more.

Divorce can be brutal, that's why a lot of people don't do it. It's not meant to be a walk in the park, and there's probably nothing that you can do to assist unless you're loaded and want to foot the solicitors bill.

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