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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

His demands with house sale due to separation

34 replies

mollymoo751 · 04/09/2024 16:32

Hi everyone,
Do you have any advice or knowledge on rights when selling a house due to a breakup?
Context: unmarried, 2 children, joint mortgage, I want to just split 50/50.
Partner is saying he will only agree to sell the house if I agree to take the £8k early repayment fee on the mortgage. I’ll have main custody of children and full custody of pets and £8k would be a huge chunk of my equity, maybe preventing me getting a new house.
He also refuses to move out (which I know is the advice). He could easily move in with his parents who have space. I don’t have the same option with my parents. Plus I would have the children and pets.
I feel so trapped like I have no way out. Almost like he wants to keep it this way as I do EVERYTHING and he gets to live a life doing whatever the hell he wants whilst his kids are cared for, house cleaned, washing done, meals cooked etc etc. He got out of bed at 3:30pm today for context.
Every time I bring up the conversation of separating he either laughs at me or gets defensive/aggressive. The fact it won’t be amicable for the children terrifies me! I worry how nasty it could get 😢

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 04/09/2024 16:57

If he won’t agree to sell you’ll be forced to go to court to do so - which will cost more than that most likely ( in time and fees)

is the house owned as joint tenants?

what’s the total equity ?
Will he compromise at all in the early redemption fee with you ?

Hatty65 · 04/09/2024 17:03

Tell him the very next time he gets unpleasant or aggressive you will phone the police and have him arrested.

Point out to him that if he's removed from the house by the police you will get an order to say he's not allowed to return and then you'll drag your heels as much as you like over a house sale because you're not taking the hit for the £8K.

Or he could stop being a twat, grow up and you could negotiate the split in an adult, civilized fashion on a 50/50 basis. And stop doing any washing or cooking for him immediately, if you are doing.

Biggaybear · 04/09/2024 17:04

As you are unmarried then the split of equity is 50/50......do that would be after the outstanding mortgage plus the £8k redemption figure is taken off. So you should be "sharing" the £8k iyswim.

Who initiated the split ? If you then it might be seen as "fair" that you take the £8k hit because why should he lose out over something that wasn't his decision

Same re moving out. Why is it on him to have his life disrupted ?

Again, this is only if you instigated it.

On a different note.......how long is your mortgage fixed for ? Does the £8k penalty reduce over time (they usually do). Might be worth finding out what the situation would be in 1 or 2 years time.

Amazonmulu · 04/09/2024 17:14

Imho it doesn't matter if you instigated or he. Legally you will share the house 50:50 including the £8k redemption fee. This is the legally correct way to split it.

If you agree on kids / pets / house you can do a split quickly but if he wants to go through the courts then it's on him and he will have to spent the £££££ only to find that you have to split equally.

As others mentioned some things to consider - when can you end the mortgage without a penalty? Have you paid into the mortgage equally? Did you both pay towards the deposit?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 04/09/2024 17:21

So you jointly own the house? Tenants in common agreement in place - what does that say as it's usually explicitly laid out what happens in the event of a break-up? Our bank insisted that we had one.

Who is the higher earner and have you worked out what your respective CMS contributions are likely to be?

You could tell him that on balance you've decided that he should have full custody and you can't afford to share custody. You'll take the hit that was agreed in your T&C agreement and find a studio apt to live in and see the kids and pets on Sundays from 10-6pm.

Assuming you are actually employed? If not, get a job asap.

millymollymoomoo · 04/09/2024 17:27

Doesn’t matter who pays what kegally

if owners joint tenants they own 50%
if tenants in common it’s 50:50 unless a deed in place with unequal shares

equity is after redemption

so house price less mortgage inc redemption fees) = equity to split

but if he doesn’t agree to sell you’ll need a court order to do so - which will cost money

Original poster
mollymoo751 · 04/09/2024 17:42

Thanks everyone. To answer some questions:

We earn very similar, I out earn him by a few thousand a year now, the gap was bigger when we first moved in.

We’re tenants in common with nothing to say anyone should get more than the other.

3 years left on the mortgage. I didn’t know at the time but this mortgage can’t be ported like our old could. I wouldn’t have gone with it had I known.

I am instigating the breakup over his behaviour towards both me and the children. He is a bully and watching him upset the children is breaking me! The only reason I feel he should move out is for less disruption to the children and because his parents are local with spare rooms for him. I would want to sell the house asap and get my own place. I couldn’t afford this house myself, and neither can he. He says I should move out if I want to breakup but I still have to pay him half the mortgage.

Hs says the house can’t go on the market without agreement from both parties, and he won’t agree if I don’t take the early repayment fee hit - is this correct? Court is the only option? 😢

OP posts:
purplehue · 04/09/2024 17:44

Speak to a solicitor. The first meeting is usually free. Prepare well before you go so you get as much from it as possible.

Do you work? Did you have to give up your career when you had kids? If so you could take him to court for compensation because you missed out on a career and promotions because you stayed at home. He might have put money into pensions whereas you haven't due to lack of money, not working etc.

Original poster
mollymoo751 · 04/09/2024 17:46

We both contribute equal to mortgage repayments. (He has full control of finances. I pay him a lump sum each month towards everything) yet I’m left with not much disposable income and he has Amazon parcels arriving every second day 🥴

OP posts:
Original poster
mollymoo751 · 04/09/2024 17:47

purplehue · 04/09/2024 17:44

Speak to a solicitor. The first meeting is usually free. Prepare well before you go so you get as much from it as possible.

Do you work? Did you have to give up your career when you had kids? If so you could take him to court for compensation because you missed out on a career and promotions because you stayed at home. He might have put money into pensions whereas you haven't due to lack of money, not working etc.

Thank you! I tried calling citizens advice today but I was on hold so long I had to give up.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 04/09/2024 17:50

If you are not married but you own the house together then you own it in the way you bought it if that makes sense.

It is possible to force a sale where a property is owned by two people and only one wants to sell but you need to go via the courts and it is expensive.

You will probably get a lot of advise assuming that you are married.

www.irwinmitchell.com/personal/family-law/unmarried-couples/tolata-claims

PrincessofWells · 04/09/2024 17:55

Tell him you will have to make an application to court for an order of sale. You will ask and be given an order for costs against him along with the order, so he will be paying. Spell it out to him. Or you act like adults and agree to split it 50/50 now.
He's an arsehole who thinks he can bully you. Show him he can't. Involve the police if he's abusive, that would be helpful to you as you could get an exclusion order and peace until it's sold.

PeaHen99 · 04/09/2024 18:08

Agree to pay the £8k, but you can’t afford to until you get the cash from the house sale.
Then don’t pay up

Biggaybear · 04/09/2024 18:35

PeaHen99 · 04/09/2024 18:08

Agree to pay the £8k, but you can’t afford to until you get the cash from the house sale.
Then don’t pay up

Yeah, really great advice.

OP is trying to keep things harmonious.

PeaHen99 · 04/09/2024 18:43

Biggaybear · 04/09/2024 18:35

Yeah, really great advice.

OP is trying to keep things harmonious.

Show quote history

I agree it’s not an ideal way to behave, but he’s not exactly making harmonious easy for her.

Seems to me that the OP would have to give up the £8k to keep things harmonious. Maybe a price worth paying, not really fair though

RandomMess · 04/09/2024 18:55

For a start stop doing his laundry, meals, anything that is for him.

You need to emotionally and practically separate.

I wouldn't be beyond messaging him that you've gone out for the weekend so he has the DC to look after.

Soontobe60 · 04/09/2024 19:02

Biggaybear · 04/09/2024 17:04

As you are unmarried then the split of equity is 50/50......do that would be after the outstanding mortgage plus the £8k redemption figure is taken off. So you should be "sharing" the £8k iyswim.

Who initiated the split ? If you then it might be seen as "fair" that you take the £8k hit because why should he lose out over something that wasn't his decision

Same re moving out. Why is it on him to have his life disrupted ?

Again, this is only if you instigated it.

On a different note.......how long is your mortgage fixed for ? Does the £8k penalty reduce over time (they usually do). Might be worth finding out what the situation would be in 1 or 2 years time.

And what if he’s such an arse that she has no choice but to split from him? What if he’s controlling? Violent? Abusive?

Soontobe60 · 04/09/2024 19:04

PeaHen99 · 04/09/2024 18:08

Agree to pay the £8k, but you can’t afford to until you get the cash from the house sale.
Then don’t pay up

This isn’t how it works. When the house sale goes through, the money goes into the solicitors client account and they pay any outstanding debts against the property which would include the £8k. Then the remaining money would be paid to each owner in the same % as they owned the property.

millymollymoomoo · 04/09/2024 19:15

Unfortunately if he won’t agree to sell you have to go to court.
I hope he comes to his senses

Original poster
mollymoo751 · 04/09/2024 19:20

Thanks so much for all the advice, I really am so grateful!

One thing I emotionally find so difficult is because he is really controlling and has been for 15 years, as soon as he turns/start threatening, I feel so lost and alone, and scared!

When we argue or he p*sses me off I could pack and storm out there and then. I’m actually very capable and independent in life generally… until it comes to the logistics of house selling, custody battles etc., things which he has a hold over me with, all of a sudden leaving becomes too daunting. Which is why I’m still here 😢

He is also very good at playing the victim and making me feel guilty.

I’m hoping the more I learn about the legal processes, the less daunting it will all feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
mollymoo751 · 04/09/2024 19:24

RandomMess · 04/09/2024 18:55

For a start stop doing his laundry, meals, anything that is for him.

You need to emotionally and practically separate.

I wouldn't be beyond messaging him that you've gone out for the weekend so he has the DC to look after.

I wish I could stop. The issue is he always will
make sure I feel bad for things like this, like tit for tat but always having to get one up on me. One of his favourites used to be stealing the duvet so I don’t have one, but now I sleep in my daughter’s bed more than our bed! It makes her happy too 🥰

OP posts:
Tel12 · 04/09/2024 19:25

For a start you can stop providing housekeeping, laundry and cooking facilities for him. Life needs to be more uncomfortable. Plus all of the above legal advice. Is there someone you can talk to for emotional support?

WildCats24 · 04/09/2024 19:36

Please, please, please stop doing his domestic chores.

RandomMess · 04/09/2024 19:39

You need to speak to Women's Aid you are in an abusive relationship, if course he isn't going to let you end it.

Sayingitstraight · 04/09/2024 19:41

Don't cook for him, leave his laundry, food shop for you and DC only. Speak to a solicitor amd womens aid.