Husband has done some very inappropriate things.. divorce underway

[Anonymous546]

A couple of months ago I got on here and asked what people thought about the fact that my BIL had bought me wine and a teddy bear close to Valentine’s Day. He had been complimenting me a bit here and there and I had found myself sort of developing feelings for him. I knew it was wrong because I was married to his brother. I mentioned that I’d kind of wished I’d met BIL first.
Well of course I got A LOT of crap for it on here and I was told to get out of my marriage if I wasn’t happy but to stay away from BIL.

Well fast forward to now.. a couple of weeks ago my stepson (early 20s) and sister in law talked about things that had happened in the past.. things that my husband did involving minors and things that his son was concerned with because he was worried for his sister’s (my daughters) safety and also for the safety of his soon to be baby girl.

There were a handful of things that happened over the years that didn’t sit well with me and I had a major issue with my husband being alone with our daughter. Everything was either always dismissed or there was some cover story that seemed somewhat believable. I was questioning him regularly every time I’d hear something and there was always an explanation.

I thought I was crazy/paranoid.

Well somewhere along the way I realized that he told a lie that I was able to prove was a lie.. and from then on I knew that I could not trust him. He admitted to it when he couldn’t lie about it anymore.
So I always thought about the other things that had come up and whether or not they could have been true.
But all I knew for sure is that I didn’t feel that my daughter was safe with him alone.

So after my sister in law talked to me about everything she knew and everything that came from my stepson she found out that I also had these very serious concerns.
She decided to stay in town to help me get a divorce and protect my daughter.
Once we told most of the family, they were on board with what we planned to do and they were supporting me 100%.
Their father, cousin, brother, nephew was not the great person that he portrayed himself to be and there was proof. Proof that he admitted to within the last week or so.

And let’s not even mention the inappropriate things he did against our marriage because the stuff involving minors is obviously WAY worse and a true mental illness.

He signed the divorce papers which only allows him to see our daughter through supervised visits.
At this point almost his whole family including his sons have disowned him but still treat me and my daughter like we are a part of the family. They have essentially lost a family member.

I’m currently starting therapy for this situation but I’m feeling a sense of safety for my daughter that I’ve NEVER felt before.

Any recommendations about how I can help her move forward from this? Things are going to look way different for her from here on out and she is still very young.

So your post a couple of months ago was about your BIL buying you a teddy bear and wine and the fact that you had the hots for him. Meanwhile, your husband is (presumably) a paedophile and you've always been uncomfortable leaving your daughter with him. May I ask why you initially asked advice on your feelings for your BIL, rather than the infinitely more important issue of safeguarding your daughter?

I would suggest seeing GP, social worker, cahms referral/therapy.
Poor child.

Yep.

Your priorities sound very skewed. All the best to your poor daughter.

Living with a man who lives under a great facade is the life I led years ago op. You didn't know....you do now and have acted. Ask GP for a referral to a psychotherapist for your dd. The play therapy is very productive...

It's all a bit convenient to rewrite history if you fall for someone else. I hope that's not the case for you op as it's going to be very damaging for your dc

Wow, that all changed quickly didn't it?
One minute you are having fantasies about your BIL and the next your H is a Paedophile
If your Ex is in fact a paedophile you need to see what steps you can take to protect your child and perhaps access some professional help for everyone involved

The earlier thread is neither here nor there. You are coming out of a bewildering marriage to a pedophile and a very determined and manipulative liar. Look into the phrase “dark triad” to understand mire how bewildering and destabilizing living with a manipulative sociopath can be. You may need serious support from other people (group therapy?, individual therapy) to process what has happened. You should also begin to reevaluate many family relationships because it sounds like lots of other people knew but didn’t act.

Confused about the timeline. You found out from your SIL a couple of weeks ago and you have already signed divorce papers. I don't know much about the divorce process but that seems very quick.

Me too - but I am assuming ( after doing some Googling) that OP is referring only to an application for a divorce, which can be done online individually or together. So it is possible ? Unlikely, but not impossible, I guess?

Someone else might have a better idea?

So you just happened to walk in when they were talking about your husband, and they suddenly told you everything?

There were a handful of things that happened over the years that didn’t sit well with me and I had a major issue with my husband being alone with our daughter

You didn't trust your husband alone with his own child, but you continued to stay married to him and your main problem only a couple of months ago was that you fancied his brother?

And now his whole family have apparently decided he's a paedophile, despite never having said anything about this before, and in the space of a couple of months you've left him, divorced him and he's been ostracised by the family while you're still considered a family member?

This whole thing is incredibly messed up and unhealthy. You stayed married to a man you suspected 'over the years' might be abusing your daughter. His family all apparently hung out with him, up until now, despite also suspecting that he might be a child molester. And his brother thought it appropriate to make a move on you and you didn't think that was a bit fucked-up in the context of a massively dysfunctional family?

What is up with your boundaries?

How old is DD?
Has your daughter disclosed abuse?
Do you have hard evidence of abuse?
Have you reported to police?

I’m sorry but as the mother of a daughter who was sexually abused by her father, I’m unable to understand why you haven’t gone to the police after he’s presumably confessed to something- whatever that is. You haven’t stated what it is (am I understanding this correctly?).

Ime transferring feelings (fake) to a man similar to the dh you once knew is a real thing....escapism.. And fear of going it alone at an awful time. I am glad you are out of that marriage op. Do whatever you can to protect your dc..

So just rereading:

“… there was proof. Proof that he admitted to within the last week or so.”

And you are sitting here, a week plus later, whining on MN about how you got heat over your BIL, referring to some vague ‘proof’ that we’ll just assume has to do with abuse of a minor, and you haven’t reported to police? What are you doing for your DD? What are you waiting for? The flood? Report to police, OP.

You had concerns so serious that you weren't comfortable leaving your daughter with your husband... but you did diddly squat about that and instead got all giddy over your B-i-L?

Wow.

And I’ll add- because I’ve not only walked this walk, I’ve collapsed on this death march that is ‘divorcing a sex offender’ -
and furthermore I’ll be incredibly blunt by saying the divorce will hardly take your proof into account when going through those legal proceedings. I have an ex husband in prison and I had to fight like a rooster in a Spanish Harlem cockfight to protect my children from him; sentencing transcripts from the Crown Court Proceedings, police statements, therapists’ letters: I really had to go all the way to ensure my kids are never with their dad in any setting. EVER. He’s lost PR.

Family court proceedings are not criminal proceedings. A family judge will wonder why a mother who hasn’t reported a father’s abuse of a minor to police is in his/her family courtroom fighting to terminate contact. Go all the way, OP. There’s no half-in/half-out here. Sorry to be tough on you but you have to wake up and focus on the important stuff, not the family chatter which is hearsay. If you have proof, then utilise that proof to protect your DD.

This! My God this is so awful. Your daughter was exposed to this and your concern was a crush and teddy bear!

But all I knew for sure is that I didn’t feel that my daughter was safe with him alone.

Bloody hell!

So you started a thread talking how you have feelings for your BIL and playing the victim and all the while you had concerns that your own DH would sexually assault his own child if left alone!!

Get your priorities straight!

It's not like these threads are her whole life. She's allowed to talk about other things

If you are living with a peado who you can’t even leave your own child around in case they sexually assault them, then yes that one thing becomes your entire life and nothing else should matter, especially not some childish crush on your BIL.

But it reads like she just had a sense without actually being able to prove it, so she may have felt unable to think that way tlll now iyswm

My concern with this situation as it is now is that;

Your ex is now isolated from his family and will be mentally unstable (more than usual)

Without even the cursory monitoring of his family he is more likely to act on his inappropriate urges. For this reason alone I think you need to report the whole sorry mess to the police.

Good luck getting the help you need

You married a man you felt uncomfortable leaving your daughter alone with?

I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist. You have a lot to work on.