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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

43 replies

Saa15 · 29/08/2024 20:29

I'm going to cut a very long story short here...

8 months ago the father of my child randomly left me, said he wasn't happy. We have a 1 year old child together and our wedding was booked for July 2024.

He said he wanted to be amicable, wanted to work on himself and his sole focus was our daughter. We also made a promise to each other that if and when we met new partners our child wouldn't be introduced until we had the discussion between ourselves.

I then find out a few weeks later that he was having an affair (which he denys) he admitted to being in a relationship but wouldn't tell me who with. Obviously this broke my heart and I've had to do a lot of work on myself with therapy etc. Communication totally broke down with ex, he acts like it's me that has done something wrong. He's never once had a conversation with me, he won't talk to me and has my number blocked. Other than the night I found out there was someone else I've never once rang/text giving him greif, I've left him to it.

During the past 8 months I've probably asked him on several occasions who this women is and he won't tell me. I then find out my daughter is around this women and when I said I wasn't happy he shook my hand and said it won't happen again until we've had discussions.

We went to mediation a few weeks ago because as said previously communication between us is really bad. Mediator asked for womens name and he refused to give it. Reason being he doesnt need to tell me, what he does with our child when he has her is his business. Mediator then said is child around her, he said yes all the time.

Mediation ended with me saying I was stopping contact until I knew who my baby was around. That's all I want to know, I don't care anymore who it is, I just want to make sure my child is safe. I would like to meet for a coffee and ensure her that im not the big bad wolf, I just want to co-parent in the most amicable way. Mediator totally seen where I was coming from but he wasn't willing to give any information. The conversation ended with him saying he would take me to court for access and if he wasn't seeing her then neither were his family.

I feel so so guilty for keeping my daughter from her Dad but at the same time I've never had 1 single message asking how she is and it's been nearly 3 weeks.

Does any other mums see that as a mother you should be able to know where your children are and who they are around? My daughter is only 1

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 29/08/2024 20:40

I totally agree with you. But we are a minority on MN where it’s completely acceptable for ex wives to not have any say over who their child spends time with. I’m baffled by it…especially as these same people presumably wouldn’t leave their children with a babysitter they’d never met.

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 20:43

Legally you do not have the right to the woman's details and cannot keep your daughter from seeing your ex. You cannot insist she meets you for coffee.

If he takes it all the way to court he will be permitted access.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 29/08/2024 20:47

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 20:43

Legally you do not have the right to the woman's details and cannot keep your daughter from seeing your ex. You cannot insist she meets you for coffee.

If he takes it all the way to court he will be permitted access.

This, ultimately. I wouldn’t let it go to court, but if he wants to waste a fortune on legal fees in the interim then that’s his business.

Strictly1 · 29/08/2024 20:48

You cannot deny your daughter a relationship with her father because he won’t disclose who he is spending time with. You are in the wrong. I understand why you feel as you do but you’re still in the wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 20:48

What difference does it make if you know her name? How would that actually change anything?

I would like to meet for a coffee and ensure her that im not the big bad wolf, I just want to co-parent in the most amicable way.

I'm sorry, op, but this is just not something you have the right to insist upon. This woman is under no obligation to meet with you.

When your daughter returns from being with her father is she in good form? Has she been well cared for? If you, I'm sorry to say that you are weaponising your child to punish your ex. Your daughter not seeing a father who loves her is not what's best for her.

MoveToParis · 29/08/2024 20:51

There will be a very very good reason why he doesn’t want you to know. It will be someone known to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 20:58

If your ex loves his daughter and takes care of her, it is categorically wrong of you to keep them apart. A little girl needs her dad. Don't make her suffer the consequences because you've been scorned.

randomrainbows · 29/08/2024 21:00

From another perspective.. my ex-husband is demanding to know/meet my new partner ahead of them meeting our children. I haven't introduced him yet, and don't intend to for a few months, we've been seeing each other for around 6 months.
He will not be meeting my partner ahead of him meeting the children. For the simple reason that.. his opinion is irrelevant to me. He doesn't get an opinion on who I chose to be with. If he doesn't like him then I don't care. There's no purpose to meeting him, it won't change the outcome. I have my own plan in place to decide whether or not this person is suitable to meet my children, which includes him meeting my close family/friends and discussing it with them. I will, and have clearly told him, when the time comes that they meet him, I will tell him it's happening, that's all he'll get. It isn't fair he isn't being open with you but unfortunately you cannot control what he does in his time with his child. If he meets someone, I won't be asking to meet her and even if he/she wants to meet me, I'm not interested. It's not my life, it's not my business. I have to trust he'll protect our children as he does me.

Original poster
Saa15 · 29/08/2024 21:48

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 20:43

Legally you do not have the right to the woman's details and cannot keep your daughter from seeing your ex. You cannot insist she meets you for coffee.

If he takes it all the way to court he will be permitted access.

I've had legal advice and as the child's mother and main caregiver I have every right to know who my daughter is spending time with

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 21:55

Saa15 · 29/08/2024 21:48

I've had legal advice and as the child's mother and main caregiver I have every right to know who my daughter is spending time with

Show quote history

No solicitor is going to tell you to refuse access to the other parent when they are loving caregiver and there have been no safeguarding concerns.

Mediator totally seen where I was coming from but he wasn't willing to give any information.

That's not legal advice. How did they express that they "totally seen" where you're coming from?

Original poster
Saa15 · 29/08/2024 21:56

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 20:48

What difference does it make if you know her name? How would that actually change anything?

I would like to meet for a coffee and ensure her that im not the big bad wolf, I just want to co-parent in the most amicable way.

I'm sorry, op, but this is just not something you have the right to insist upon. This woman is under no obligation to meet with you.

When your daughter returns from being with her father is she in good form? Has she been well cared for? If you, I'm sorry to say that you are weaponising your child to punish your ex. Your daughter not seeing a father who loves her is not what's best for her.

I am not 'insisting' we meet for coffee, it's just something I would like. If she doesn't want to that's absolutely fine.

Knowing her identity would make the world of difference and put my mind at rest, this women could be anyone. I should have added that I have a 13 year old from a previous relationship, I've always known who he was around however when he got older I trusted that he was old enough to tell me if he didn't feel safe. In January I got a call out of the blue from social services informing me that his Dads girlfriend isn't allowed around children and has a criminal record a mile long.

I am not weapsonising my child at all I am simply trying to prevent what happened with my son to ever happen again. I do not trust her dad to make the best decisions, simple as that. I've also had legal advice and have every right to know who my daughter is spending time with.

OP posts:
sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 21:57

If it was the mediator that is not legal advice.

I would be shocked if a solicitor told you you could refuse access until you were given details of the woman.

Legally you're not entitled to know who exactly she's with when her father has access.

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 21:58

I've also had legal advice and have every right to know who my daughter is spending time with.

I'm afraid you do not. Not when she's with her father. Good luck going to court.

RacingGreens · 29/08/2024 21:58

StormingNorman · 29/08/2024 20:40

I totally agree with you. But we are a minority on MN where it’s completely acceptable for ex wives to not have any say over who their child spends time with. I’m baffled by it…especially as these same people presumably wouldn’t leave their children with a babysitter they’d never met.

This seems unfair - I think a lot of people agree with you but understand the law does not allow for it so are realistic.

Original poster
Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:03

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 21:58

I've also had legal advice and have every right to know who my daughter is spending time with.

I'm afraid you do not. Not when she's with her father. Good luck going to court.

Solicitors must be wrong then

OP posts:
Original poster
Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:06

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 21:57

If it was the mediator that is not legal advice.

I would be shocked if a solicitor told you you could refuse access until you were given details of the woman.

Legally you're not entitled to know who exactly she's with when her father has access.

I have had legal advice from 2 separate solicitors. They didn't agree with me stopping contact and said if it goes to court then he will be granted access but will also have to divulge her identity

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 22:08

Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:06

I have had legal advice from 2 separate solicitors. They didn't agree with me stopping contact and said if it goes to court then he will be granted access but will also have to divulge her identity

Show quote history

So like we said, your solicitors have advised you against doing this but you're going ahead anyway. Brilliant.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 22:09

Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:06

I have had legal advice from 2 separate solicitors. They didn't agree with me stopping contact and said if it goes to court then he will be granted access but will also have to divulge her identity

Show quote history

Like I said, you are weaponising your daughter.

PvH · 29/08/2024 22:10

At least it's a woman. It may be a friend of yours. Just give him his kid. You got a kid with him. You think he's so stupid that he goes for a psychopath now?
I had no rights after I did a suicide attempt, so my ex got the kids and could just date whatever woman he wanted and if he didn't like a guy I dated he would refuse to give the kids. Lol the last guy I dated, ex immediately gave the kids less. I got mad at that guy. He says: What do I have to do with it? Your ex is refusing to give them. Don't care. Baby daddy doesn't like you. Move it! Kids come first. So I don't date anymore. I have rabbits instead.

sirthisisawendys · 29/08/2024 22:10

They will ask that he gives her identity, but he can choose not to and will be given access regardless. You will be required to pay the legal costs.

I would suggest that you double check this with your solicitor, as I'm not sure you've understood what they've told you.

Bettyscakes · 29/08/2024 22:11

He could literally make up a name though and you’d still be none the wiser?

Original poster
Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:11

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 22:09

Like I said, you are weaponising your daughter.

Show quote history

I am trying to keep my daughter safe, after that happened with my son I have a duty of care

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 22:13

Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:11

I am trying to keep my daughter safe, after that happened with my son I have a duty of care

Show quote history

What happened with your son is irrelevant. How has your ex proven to be untrustworthy or dangerous regarding the care of his child?

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 29/08/2024 22:15

I have to admit OP that I'd feel the same way.

Original poster
Saa15 · 29/08/2024 22:16

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 22:13

What happened with your son is irrelevant. How has your ex proven to be untrustworthy or dangerous regarding the care of his child?

Show quote history

Sons dad didn't show any signs of putting him in danger, I trusted him and look what's happened.

OP posts: