Am I being unreasonable?

[Saa15]

I'm going to cut a very long story short here...

8 months ago the father of my child randomly left me, said he wasn't happy. We have a 1 year old child together and our wedding was booked for July 2024.

He said he wanted to be amicable, wanted to work on himself and his sole focus was our daughter. We also made a promise to each other that if and when we met new partners our child wouldn't be introduced until we had the discussion between ourselves.

I then find out a few weeks later that he was having an affair (which he denys) he admitted to being in a relationship but wouldn't tell me who with. Obviously this broke my heart and I've had to do a lot of work on myself with therapy etc. Communication totally broke down with ex, he acts like it's me that has done something wrong. He's never once had a conversation with me, he won't talk to me and has my number blocked. Other than the night I found out there was someone else I've never once rang/text giving him greif, I've left him to it.

During the past 8 months I've probably asked him on several occasions who this women is and he won't tell me. I then find out my daughter is around this women and when I said I wasn't happy he shook my hand and said it won't happen again until we've had discussions.

We went to mediation a few weeks ago because as said previously communication between us is really bad. Mediator asked for womens name and he refused to give it. Reason being he doesnt need to tell me, what he does with our child when he has her is his business. Mediator then said is child around her, he said yes all the time.

Mediation ended with me saying I was stopping contact until I knew who my baby was around. That's all I want to know, I don't care anymore who it is, I just want to make sure my child is safe. I would like to meet for a coffee and ensure her that im not the big bad wolf, I just want to co-parent in the most amicable way. Mediator totally seen where I was coming from but he wasn't willing to give any information. The conversation ended with him saying he would take me to court for access and if he wasn't seeing her then neither were his family.

I feel so so guilty for keeping my daughter from her Dad but at the same time I've never had 1 single message asking how she is and it's been nearly 3 weeks.

Does any other mums see that as a mother you should be able to know where your children are and who they are around? My daughter is only 1

No one is negating her feelings. They are very understandable. But what she's doing is wrong.

I wouldn't be keeping your daughter from her dad but I do get completely what you're saying. I met my exes wife and introduced myself when my DD started spending time with her. I trust her with my DD completely. I helped her a lot after the birth of their son too. When the time comes for my DD to meet my current partner I will also give my ex the chance to meet him if he wants. Can't say the same about my partners ex lol! The minute she finds out she will definitely try something with cutting access to his DD but he fought her in court once before and has said he will do it again xxx

Please don’t weaponise the child to punish your EX or control contact to get your own way. You aren’t the more important parent, you are equal.

You have absolutely no legal right to demand the name or ‘go for a coffee’. Your EX can introduce the child to anyone he sees fit while in his care (just as you can and he has absolutely no say).

How would you feel if you were dictated to & told when you could see your own child? How would you feel if you couldn’t see your own child? How is does your child feel about you not allowing her to see her dad?

If this goes to court (and I hope it does) you can explain to the judge why you stopped a child seeing their father (which isn’t in their best interests).

You have years ahead of you co parenting & this ‘war’ will only get worse. The only person affected will be your child in the middle of arguing parents.

I'm so sorry you are going through this g through this, I have been through similar and it broke my heart.

My advice would be to try and remain amicable and to be calm with him so you will always be able to have contact when your DC is with their father. This sounds like it could get nasty by withholding contact he is entitled to which will in turn give you less contact or information about your child when they are with their father

Please for yours and your child's sanity chose your battles

It's discrimination and completely insane. That they treated me like that, okay, they thought I was crazy and to be fair I was unstable, but I could still see them twice a week with my parents. If a woman can keep a kid away from the dad, that means he is treated the same as a woman who they think is crazy. That's discrimination. Go be in that situation yourself and see how awful it is.

It is not. Nobody expects their 12 month old child to be spending time away in the care of a total stranger that she has not met. I would not tolerate it and in reality who would. The OP is being reasonable. Thats my opinion; you have yours.

The child is under the care of their other parent at the time who has full rights just as the op does. She does not have to get his approval for who she allows around their child when she has physical custody of her, and the opposite is true. You don't have to like it, that's how the law works.

This.

This is true. I 100% get where you are coming from but he isn't obliged to tell you unfortunately. I'd stop asking as I suspected enjoying withholding the info.....

I’m with you OP. You may not have a legal right to know - I don’t know the law - but I totally understand why you want to know who is taking care on your one year old when she is with her father, and I think it’s super dodgy that your ex is being completely stubborn about this. You have my sympathy, it would wrench my heart not to know who was my child’s effective step-parent.

You are totally in the wrong here op

You are weaponising your child. You are also trying to control your ex.
if it went to court ( and j sincerely hope he pursues that ) he will be given access and he 100% will not have to give you details of this, nor any other woman he chooses to spend tine with

you are totally wrong to do this

You have the right to be upset. Angry. Annoyed. But not to withhold context. Totally out of order

whatbif you get given her details? Then what? What if you don’t like her ? What then?

what if you meet someone that your ex says can’t be around your child ?

Wrong on all levels

I would want to know.

I might shift the focus of your argument to be more effective. 1) to maximize your legal strategy and 2) remember this is just the woman of the moment, there will probably be others on the future.

I would ask for rules about who provides care for your child. These will apply to you too, so you have to be careful. Things like if one of you needs child care, you have to offer the time to the other parent first . All communication should be between the parents only, not 3rd parties. All exchanges are done by the parents, not 3rd parties. Minimize his ability to pawn his child off on the woman of the moment. This will however make your life a bit difficult because you can’t ask for help from family or friends as easily so you have to consider each request carefully.

The legal advice I got was that I could stop access to safeguard my child (I had concerns he was doing drugs) but I wouldn't be able to stop access just because I hadn't met a girlfriend unless there were safeguarding concerns - I didn't ask this she just used it as an example of when I couldn't stop access. I trust his girlfriend with her more than him even though I've never met her

So now you mention you think he does drugs. Right. If you genuinely think he is a danger to your child, you would have already gone to court to seek full custody, I'm sure.

You had best rethink this game you are playing. The courts can have a very dim view of a parent who is denying access to the other parent due to wanting to punish their ex.

You're not going to meet her for coffee. You're not going to have an amicable Co parenting relationship. He has treated you very badly. He's not going to suddenly become fair and reasonable. Wise up.

You can't have a child with someone then dictate what they can do when you split

It doesn't work that way no one owns a child

Hire a private investigator to find out who she is and see if she has a criminal background.