Financial settlement

[Sona93]

My spouse and I got married in beginning of 2015. I have two young kids aged 8 and 4 with him.
I have not seen him since 2021 december. He moved to Dubai with his new partner mid last year.
I live in matrimonial home which I am not on the deeds/ mortgage.
I was recently contacted by my spouse that he wants a clear break and divorce. He wants me to move out to a social housing with kids. I want a roof on my kids head and some child maintenance to get on my feet as he disappeared one day and I haven't asked for child maintenance as he paid mortgage.
I am now in a place where I live with a fear that one day I might receive a notification of divorce by him. But I would like to get financial settlement so I can get a peaceful place for myself and my kids but not sure what my rights are if he lives abroad. And he is in his early 50s.

Can someone please advice?

If you are in England the house will be a joint asset and you’ll be entitled to 50%, possibly more as he lives abroad and hasn’t provided any care for the children in nearly three years.

His being abroad doesn't affect your financial claims. However it does show he is rehoused at least for now.
First off, you need to register a homes rights notice so he can't sell it from under your feet www.gov.uk/government/publications/notice-of-home-rights-registration-hr1
In deciding finances a court would need to be satisfied that the children were adequately housed. Could you pay the mortgage, if he paid child maintenance? If so, but possibly if not, you might be able to argue for what's called a Mesher order. This is an order allowing you to stay in the house until the children are no longer dependent. Then in the future it's sold and divided. You won't be entitled to nothing regardless of whose name the house is in.
I'm assuming you're in England or Wales.

Sorry op you’re not automatically entitled to 50%

you are entitled to a fair share of marital assets. Which might be 50/a% but could be more or less depending on your circumstances

you’d be best seeing a solicitor who will guide you

Thank you again.
I have recently had my affordability to buy a house checked and it wasn't good. As the kids were only 5 and 1 when he disappeared, I had to do jobs accordingly. It's slightly better now but not enough to start new. He paid something towards them but not enough and only when asked and paid mortgage as he is the only one in it and I did ask him to add me but he didn't. I take all the bills as always.
As he is in his early 50s I am not sure what is reasonable to ask for me and kids to start new. It's not a mentally safe situation to be constantly be dependent on a person like him. There was domestic violence involved but I never charged him.
I recently tried to get in touch with him on his intentions to ask for a divorce, he says he will give us half and wants us to move out to a social housing. No need to get Solicitors involved. I obviously have no trust in doing it amibicaly. He just wants to cash out on the house equity. Bright side of this all, the kind of person he is he never cared about seeing kids or asking about them so I don't have to worry about fighting that as not safe for kids.
Just not sure what to ask for at this point, can he refuse to comply? His property and pension is in UK. I haven't still spoken to a single solicitor who could assure that they know the ways to get to him in Dubai.
I do have few calls book today with solicitors and they all want the consultant fee to actually say something past yes. But again being the only one earning in the house I can't afford to pay just to find out it's going to be a long winded road of just writing expensive letters to chase him. Can court take action if he doesn't comply?

No one on here can tell you what to ask for. It depends on many factors, including income, age, mortgage capacity, rehousing, pension (might be claims here), and so on.
As I mentioned above, critical to get your family homes right notice registered to stop him doing anything like selling or remortgaging.
Speak to solicitors and get them to explain whether a Mesher might be viable in your circumstances.
Ultimately if he won't engage, you can take him to court yourself by filing a Form A from the gov.uk website but it would be wise if possible to involve a solicitor at strategic points. Court is long and can be hard so usually you'd try to resolve by consent (this should only be after full disclosure - a solicitor can explain what this involves) then embody the agreement in a consent order. Mediation can work even if he's overseas as many do it remotely but you may need arrangements to take account of the domestic abuse.

As pp no one can advise what to ask for as we do t know the value of the pot

you will be expected to maximise your income and generally a clean break is preferred. Housing minor children will be the priority but that doesn’t necessarily mean owned if not enough assets. There’s no automatic right to stay in fmh nor is he likely to have to pay spousal maintenance but this completely depends on ages, earnings and assets

Thank you again.
I registered my rights the month he left. Also he won't negotiate as it might mean giving me enough to survive with kids which I don't think he has in his intentions.
I have been suggested to start the process myself without solicitors as the fee could go up to thousands if he doesn't comply. I am looking at atleast keeping him to sell the house until kids are certain age. That should give me time to stand on my own feet.

I would take personal loan to fight if through solicitors but hoping the outcome might help me pay it back.
Would it be impossible to start the process myself and only reach out to solicitors if it's out of my control.
Also is mediation is necessary step? As it would be me end up paying for it where he won't like to agree to not selling the house.

It’s perfectly possible to do all of it without solicitors ( although not always recommended)
you’ll be expected to do at least one mediation session

if you want to keep the house for a bit you’ll have to demonstrate that you can release him from the mortgage and pay mortgage and bills yourself ( most likely without understanding assets or incomes)

keeping the house isn’t always a good option as it just kicks the can down the road.

Thank you once again.
Ideally I want to get somewhere smaller with my kids and not depend on him.
I earn 36k a year and he earns about 75k and above tax free. Obviously not sure exactly how much he earns now but this was his income 3 years ago in a smaller role than he is now.
By checking my affordability I can't get enough to buy on my own even if i get 65% of the equity. He won't give me enough as speaking to him on email recently he wants me to move to social housing and he things government should lookafter kids as he has paid enough taxes before moving to dubai( bit narcissistic as he never take responsibility the reason why i think he wont negotiate).
I don't know if taking lump sum secures my kids future in any way if something to happen to me.
Speaking to solicitors today for free consultation I was encouraged to start the process and do it myself. So start by filling divorce, then pay for mediation, if he agrees than consent order, if he doesn't then Form A to the court. Not sure what after that. I did ask a rough idea what if I went to a solicitor for the whole process they said thousands of £s.

I am in early stages of fact finding and learning my options at this stage as i do.t have cash to spend on 1hr appointments. There are resources out there but very conflicting.
At one point I get advised to not do it myself past filing for a divorce as it's very complicated and especially when he is narcissistic. I do personally think he wont agree to anything past selling and taking 50/50 if negotiated.
If it's through solicitors I have been advised it could cost upto 20 to 40k which I don't have.
Has someone dealt with their own case and only reached out to solicitors for adhoc advice?

Thank you again.

If there is a matrimonial home, even if your name isn’t on the title, your chances of getting social housing is nil (if you are in the UK, I can’t comment about elsewhere) so I don’t know where he is getting that from.

There are various ‘divorce without a solicitor’ guides online. I can’t comment about how good they are (and I suspect some are trying to sell you services) but they might be a good start?

I can't get enough to buy on my own

Sounds like you can't afrord to buy anywhere, so you must rent.
You can insist on 50% of the capital out of the sale of property you now live in, and that may help pay the rent.
He must contribute towards housing cost of his children, and their other keep, and that may help you pay the rent.

Think about accrued pension values, too, although your marriage broke down after 6 years so he'd have a case for saying you don't get half his pension.

Step away from idea you should be a home owner. Doesn't sound like you ever were one.

Of course he doesn't want solicitors involved, because he knows what he's asking is unreasonable.

Speak to a solicitor, even a free half hour consultation is better than nothing. You will then have a better indication of what you're legally allowed to do and entitled to.

If he has a pension, you can go for a portion of that, or see if he will increase the portion of home equity if you agree to leave his pension alone. With him being in his 50's I would imagine he will want as much as he can in his pension as he may not have enough years to add back what he will have to pay back to you.

I spent last 2 weeks fact finding on what my options are with young kids.
My priority is the housing of my kids. They are very young and have dealt enough from their dad just disappearing one morning and never to be seen again, more for my older kid.
I spoke to numerous solicitors in and out of my area, negotiators and free RCJ advice. I will keep reading on DIY divorce and financial settlement but I was strictly told its not recommended due to it being a complicated process?
I spoke to mums who have done it through negotiator and (he won't agree) and mums with loads of money spent to solicitors.
I don't want to be better than him, as he promises in his last email to me. As if I do social housing I will be living the life or nor I have a dream of owning a house atm. I really want kids housing needs met in the best possible way. Renting out will rinse me in few years of the equity I would have and he being not a reliable person contributing I wouldn't want to add to my expenses until I can afford to.

But really would help to know at this stage if I did it all by myself would it be a stupid idea? Having to involve the solicitors only when needed advice? And how much DIY financial settlement could cost?

Would you have any guidance/advise on DIY financial settlement route? Is it something to avoid?

It is possible to do it yourself
but it will take a lot of time and you need to understand the process and understand the principles of fair in the eyes of the law

housibg of children will be a priority - but that does t mean a mortgaged or owned home necessarily.

the outcome you get will depend on what assets there are. They won’t leave one party with practically nothing and any court will always prefer an outcome that severs financial ties and doesn’t defer monies for long periods. A court would always try to reach clean break if at all possible

A lot of people manage most of their divorce with only very minimal input from solicitors. This is possible because they have a reasonable and cooperating ex and they too are reasonable and cooperating. Divorces become complicated and expensive for many reasons. Top of the list is when either or both party form unachievable expectations of what they can do and what they can get.

Having an objective and informed understanding of what you can realistically achieve and how to go about it is vital whether you settle between yourselves or go to court. Lawyers can provide this expertise, experience and objectivity.

In your shoes I would work out what you can afford to spend on a divorce. This will then inform how you spend it. Disclosure and confirmation of assets is a really important element of a divorce. It doesn’t necessarily need a lawyer for you and your ex to get to this point. It usually needs a lawyer to assess what you are then entitled to based on your needs and his needs.

Your needs defined by a combination of your income (salary, benefits, child support etc) and outgoings. For the purposes of the divorce parties must maximise their income and minimise their outgoings. This is something you can draft without a lawyer. But a lawyer may need to look it over.

In your case your ex seems willing to move forward with a financial settlement. He is of course being self serving in wanting you to move to a rental or social housing. You want to own which is also self serving. But you are both getting way ahead of yourselves and arguing the toss.

You need to first identify and agree what your marital assets are and what your needs are. Then you or a lawyer will be able to see what you are entitled to.

Mn and other social media forums will be full of people screaming that you need a shit hot lawyer, a barrister and a forensic accountant. Well maybe if there is a huge asset pool. But if it is limited and you cannot afford it the divorce will be on a budget. You will have to use lawyers judiciously and a forensic accountant won’t be worth it.

If you are going to divorce then file for divorce. Ask him to pay half. He can only say yes or no. Then you can arrange mediation. He can only say yes or no. Mediation will involve disclosure and identifying needs.

At the end of the day in the Uk you need a huge income and/ or a huge deposit to buy. If you can’t improve your income and there isn’t enough marital assets a lawyer won’t change that.

He’s in Dubai paying NO tax.
he should be paying you maintenance
You should have half the house AND pension
and - if he wants to give you a ‘clean break’ ie not have to pay spousal maintenance- he needs to pay you a large sum of money

pay for advice!!!! I get so fed up reading about stories on here of women with young kids being absolutely shafted by men but not getting the right advice to sort themselves out.

it will take some time but the law is pretty clear on how all assets should be divided and the fact he should pay you and the children maintenance.

a good solicitor will apply for interim maintenance

Is he working out there for a UK based company or is he self-employed? All these sorts of questions will affect the degree to which he can comply or not comply based on what will be in your power to enforce.
My ex was forced to pay interim maintenance and had his bank account suspended at one point.

He doesn’t need to give her huge amount of money to avoid spousal at all. That is nonsense. Op may or not be entitled to 50% - or more or less. But as I and other more reasoned posters have said it will depend on the assets available. Op will also need to maximise her income. Spousal is unlikely based on his salary even considering tax free status. But he should pay child maintenance

op should seek to educate herself and take lemonTT sound advise rather than throw cash at solicitors

I might have come across I am dreaming big with asking for a new home. All I want is freedom from this. The first thing I did was check my affordability and options to be able to rehome myself with kids with least of his money and involvement so I could finish this as peaceful as possible. I gathered what he wants and it clearly is he wants the equity as much as possible and with his history with drugs, prostitute and reckless behaviour I don't trust his intentions to negotiate.
I have reached out to numerous solicitors and will continue to do so. But the moment they hear Dubai and his income I get told the bill could go upto 30k to 40k. I don't have it even if I tool personal loan. What I do have is a will to get freedom the point he threatened to divorce me.
I did get advice to start it myself without getting myself into debt but I spoke to someone last night they said even if your spouse cooperate, (which he won't if I asked to keep the current property until my youngest is not a dependent) it will cost about 10k at least. It's like being a prisoner of his. And I feel like I have no choice here but wait again until either I receive something in the post or email. He obviously has disappeared when I said all I want is kids to have a roof on their heads and not in social housing as it's for people who actually needs it. Not sure what he is upto but not a good place for me damn if I do it and damn if I don't.

Legally, to have a clean break, you need to present value all future maintenance payments. Given she is looking after two children he will be made to pay some spousal maintenance. Even present valuing a modest amount, accounting for for example 15 years, that will still be a chunky sum. She could make that attractive to him by saying I will forego spousal maintenance , leave your pension alone, and offer you a clean break if you sign over the house to me (assuming there is enough activity in there that she can get a mortgage on her 36K salary)

I agree to educating yourself to the extent possible. However, paying for initial advice can accelerate that education.

I understand lawyers and court can't create assets that are not there. He never paid child maintenance as he paid mortgage and I never asked.
I do understand domestic abuse, his drugs issue, even got caught with the possession of, him doing adultery or any of the things he did before just disappearing will not make any difference in the court.
Neither will me asking him to keep the house until my kid is not a dependent, I know I won't need it for that long. He has an amazing life going on where he wants to cash out as a good amount goes out for people he don't want any in his life. Kids sickness or health or anything he hasn't emailed about that but his equity and how I should get back some tax for him from UK government as its about time. That's the man I chose for myself and I feel my kids don't deserve the long consequences of it ..even if I do for being here.
Solicitors are probably best to to deal with it but costs fortune which I don't have. I might not even get it back if I put that amount in.

@curious79 that’s not correct.

the presence of children in no way means spousal is due. Nor that future spousal is calculated and capitalised. In some cases, where there are not enough assets to provide basic needs ( not wants) and one party has funds to pay spousal, yes that can be the case. But it’s not a legal requirement nor is it guaranteed nor in the vast majority of divorce do those circumstances prevail.

OP may have a strong case to higher than 50% of assets ( will depend if needs met with 50%. She may trade equity for pension or some other mix. We don’t know because we don’t know the assets. She may have a case for interim maintenance while settlement being reached if she’s struggling.