Financial settlement

[Sona93]

My spouse and I got married in beginning of 2015. I have two young kids aged 8 and 4 with him.
I have not seen him since 2021 december. He moved to Dubai with his new partner mid last year.
I live in matrimonial home which I am not on the deeds/ mortgage.
I was recently contacted by my spouse that he wants a clear break and divorce. He wants me to move out to a social housing with kids. I want a roof on my kids head and some child maintenance to get on my feet as he disappeared one day and I haven't asked for child maintenance as he paid mortgage.
I am now in a place where I live with a fear that one day I might receive a notification of divorce by him. But I would like to get financial settlement so I can get a peaceful place for myself and my kids but not sure what my rights are if he lives abroad. And he is in his early 50s.

Can someone please advice?

Op do you have an understanding of what assets there are - house, pension, other savings /investments? If you do that goes a long way to understanding what an outcome and fair proposal to aim for might be. As well
as then educating yourself with all the resources available

a long term mesher where his share of equity is deferred is generally not preferred and only awarded if absolutely last resort …. And typically requires you to be able to remove him from the mortgage and pay all bills etc yourself. Then at certain trigger point you’d have to sell and give him his agreed share. Often that is a much higher value than if sold now due to house price appreciation, leaving you older, less years to get a mortgage, still needing to buy another property and not necessarily being able to greatly downsize ( even though in the eyes of the law 18 year olds aren’t considered for housing needs)

this often just pushes the problem down the road. It might be useful for you if you can agree a shorter time scale while to get on your feet ( eg 3 years or something)

I don't trust him being in different jurisdiction will cooperate with monthly child maintenance. Don't expect spousal, never paid a penny for me even if I was maternity or furlough, i never asked or expected. I was the one buying him clothes to his toiletries, anythingfor my new borns. Rest my mum helped at that point.
I really want my kids to not be affected by rehoming them. Knowing the fact I will run out of equity paying rents and credit cards to survive in UK. I can earn my own pension but my only concern is roof in my kids head and a secure one. Also to end this but I feel like I can't find the right place to start. Divorce is understandablly the easiest part but financial settlement would cost fortune. Would help if someone has their own example to share for DIY or cost effective way.

How much has he paid for the mortgage each month since 2021?

Divorce without lawyers almost always impossible unless you are very amicable or have few assets to divide: neither condition applies to OP.

When we bought this house I paid for all miscellaneous costs, eg. Removal, cleaning, bed and other furniture, other part of kitchen
and rooms. I only worked 30 hours when my mum could help with child minding. I have always earned less then him considerably. He is 51 and I am 32. But I have always worked and only stopped for kids and still studied when expecting. I understand it might take me another 3 years or more to get enough to afford something basic for myself and kids. He paid 900 when we first moved and I am assuming it more now as mortgage is gone up. I understand it's what hurting him most as even though it's quater of his income it's not something he wants to spend especially when he has started with someone else in a different country. Reading his emails it comes clear he wants to take equity and pay child maintenance when it suits him as he believes government should look after us. There are single mums living not too far from us and have similar size houses and that's the picture he has.
He has disappeared again and I am not sure what he is upto. I did ask him money towards the divorce and have heard nothing. He has tendency of disappearing, conversations, home, life, country. He has another child who he did the same with but wasn't married and paid child maintenance. The kid is 5 years younger than me so an adult and he never keep in touch with him either. He has a history of not coparenting and doing the right thing. I am worried if I do start it I might find myself mentally and financially broke.

You do need legal advice - it is worth the cost.

It does slightly depend how long you were married. If it's regarded as a long marriage legally then the general starting point is 50:50 on all assets. That includes house, pensions, savings, investments - all for both parties less any outstanding debts or loans.

To get divorced the courts will not usually allow you to finalise it without having a financial order in place and they will check that it looks fair - based on full declaration of all assets and debts including the calculations from pensions providers (I think called CETV).

Usually given the overriding value of the house divorce does result in it needing to be sold. But until you have clarity on all the declarable assets it's hard to say what you will be able to afford. You might be able to buy a smaller house or flat or maybe you will have to rent either privately or via social housing, Given the children live with you full time there will be an expectation of your ex giving you support for them. But as others have said the courts are now less supportive of spousal support - there is an expectation that you maximise your income.

Good luck OP. It is of course overwhelming but good legal advice will help you have more confidence about the process and next steps.

If it’s likely he won’t pay maintenance ( and won’t be enforced I don’t think if he’s in Dubai ) you have a much stronger case to take higher share of capital now as your needs are higher.

there are no easy routes I’m afraid / either you do it yourself ( which is possible snd there are some ladies on here who have taken on v difficult cases themselves learning as they go or you pay solicitors to do it and help you. Or at least start with that and see how far you get.

In your favour are young children and lower earnings and needing to house them
in his favour is he’s 20 years older so you have more time to
build up income /pension etc

but again it all depends on the assets. That’s where you need to start. Getting an understanding of that if you don’t already.

If i live out and pay rent, for a place where i can keep a dog and two kids, i will end up spending my part of equity in few years. I just spoke to another solicitor this afternoon and they advised that he could also file from Dubai and will be or can be dealt as per different jurisdiction. Also I could apply again alongside if I want it to be here in UK. No idea what difference does that make.

The questions I have now are:

1. what happens if I go directly to court by filling FormA? I was told I only pay the court fee which is quite low. Then I was told today it's more expensive if court deals with it.
2. Does UK law has no control if he files divorce there?

There is a part of me scared now that I won't be able to provide my kids the way I do now. As he went quite since I last emailed him to go half for divorce.
I also thought may be tell him it will cost him and me a fortune if he rushes it without negotiation, which I know he knows already but ask him to may be delay it until i am more stable so it doesn't have to be so horrendous and he can take 50/50 and keep his pension. But that's like impossible a thought, he would sense I am finding it difficult. He isn't someone you talk sense to and could be a stupid move.

Starting the divorce now doesn’t commit you to using lawyers. Its starts the divorce. You can go online and do it yourself. The lawyers are needed for when you get to discussing the split of assets.

Did you ask for half the cost of filing or legal fees?

I note he is 20 years older than you. This is relevant to pension sharing. It may mean he can keep most of his pension. How long were you married for?

I don’t know the rules of Dubai divorce but would imagine it would be more favourable for him

you say you’re scared that you won’t be able to provide fir your kids like you do now - that’s divorce im afraid. Many people have to sell and use the money for rent. Not saying you’ll have to as we don’t know what assets there are!

do you have any idea on these? You are young. And have years to work and provide. You’ll get a good share of marital assets.

the more you keep delaying the more frustrated and annoyed he’ll be. He has a right to get it resolved. Bite the bullet and make a start rather than delaying and dragging it out.

Presume you were married 6 years before he left 2021 and now already separated 3 years.

thats not a particularly long marriage

I don't wish to drag it. Especially with a person you physically abused me while holding a 11 month old baby, for 8 long hours until I managed to call the police. Takes years to understand it's not my fault.
This is the first time he has asked for divorce, reason he says for clean break. Says won't have to pay if it's a clean break, don't think he knows what it is just looking to cash out and cut strings.
I only changed into better job last November and aim was to start it as soon as I can financially afford it.
But when you have two young kids on your own without any help you have to consider a variety of things including the standard of living they have now to how will it affect it if in a rented property that I would be able to afford. If it needs to end all I want is a security for my kids .. I can earn my pension, not my priority at all. Bring in a situation I am don't think he has the right to be frustrated for freedom, I would love to be free from this and hence started educating myself. Unfortunately seems like no matter what he has done he has apparently more rights than me and my kids.
I will keep looking. I know there will be a way out if this. Just different approaches to it.
Bright side I am glad my kids don't have to be a part of this separation fight as he don't care about it. But thank you all. Really restore my faith listening to some kind people here taking time for some stranger. Thank you again.

It’s up to you what you do next. He wants a clean break and even if his interpretation is not complete it is not far off. It means ending the financial links and moving on. For most people that is selling the property and splitting the remaining equity.

There are risks to burying your head in the sand about this. He can push ahead with the divorce regardless, maybe from where he is. He can stop paying the mortgage and allow it to default.

Op I don’t mean to sound harsh
gecwabrsca clean break financially and most likely will get one apart from child maintenance. You may have challenges in that if he doesn’t pay as I’m not sure Dubai would enforce jt

yiuve not provided any answers to whether you know the marital assets or mot and what they are. So no one can advise you more

see a solicitor
file for divorce
do some or all yourself

for a short marriage with a 20 year age gap you might not get as much as you hope. Or you might get lucky as you have two young children.

either way, he can apply and push this forward.

The only assest he ever had is this house. As I made a lot of sacrifices for him to be able afford it, including financial support during and after. Raising our kids with minimal support, school and social services will prove that. He was never around.
I do understand everyone's point and advice here. He can go ahead and do it, not afraid of that but my kids security and standard of living. There is a part me me really relieved that I will be free and focus on my kids and myself. I don't wish this upon anyone. But I do have trust in British Law. And only because I am going through it, I know now how many of mum's are out there like me.
Again, he won't go on default, gut feeling. He only has this house and he cashes it out he will spend it in 6 months or less. He has hobbies and he can't help it.
I do still have hope that UK Law won't leave me and kids suffering because he is 51. There is a standard of living I have maintained for my kids and tried to keep them out if it.

But everyone's point of view here is very helpful. Again as one of the post mentioned I will keep educating myself. The tough time was when I was younger and he was around. When I dint know why this was happening to me and when i had to answer my 5 year old where his dad disappeared. Now I know what I am dealing with. I know it will work out fine. My assets are my kids and he dint want them anyway so it's a good place to start. Very thankful for all the support here again.

He obviously doesn't understand social housing. No council will house you because he decides he wants them too. Waiting lists are years in some areas.
Mesher orders are rarer now.
Could you look at shared ownership properties?

Have you tried legal aid? It’s mean tested for divorce.

Are you claiming all the benefits you are entitled to?

Because he legally owned the house he is responsible for the council tax and you should’ve be paying it - he should

He should also be paying the mortgage in his property and house the children:

You can’t claim rent as a benefit because you aren’t a tenant and you aren’t a home owner you are in no man’s land here

I did, it ends up being the same as owning. As you pay rent and mortgage.
I told him the same, it's for people who needs them the most. Not where a parent earn upto 75k a year tax free.
I don't understand how society thinks it's more of a mothers responsibility to provide if separated and he is 51 so vulnerable. If he paid for the house I made equal contribution even if not as much as monetary. He had 42 years his life and only could manage it within 2 years of marriage and support. And still an adult and made decisions knowing consequences it will have on kids. Same goes for me and I don't feel sorry for myself but want best for my kids.
Asking security for kids is not a massive ask and I do understand Law priorities children needs over anything. I will keep educating myself. And do have a strong case just need a plan.

Thank you again. It is exactly my situation. I tried legal aid but i am reading about it again. I will try again. Me and my kids are living in our home. He has his part of responsibility to fill until I can take it solely. World don't revolves around him, there are laws. I will find a way.

Are you currently managing the mortgage and bills etc?

If he wants a divorce he needs to arrange one, why are you jumping through hoops because he’s decided to he wants one?

If he wants a divorce he needs to do the leg work and organise it.

You have to decide what you want - for example what’s the value of the house verses the mortgage?

If you get half will you lose benefits until it reduces below 16K?

If that happens you’ll just be wasting the money so half or more won’t do you any favour in the long run as it’ll all be spent on rent.

You can’t gift the cash to the girls as that will be deprecation of assets.

If 50% plus morgage will get you a home then it’s worth fighting for, if not, then you need a rethink about your best coarse of action.

Register matrimonial home rights with land registry!! I wasn't on mortgage or deeds due to being tricked by my ex husband (long story) yet the home rights notice stopped him remortgaging or selling while I went through financial remedy and now I've been given 100% of the equity. It will protect you until you have the decree absolute so don't proceed to the decree absolute until you've sorted finances

In your situation, no way would I recommend anything DIY. Not getting solicitors involved is fine if both parties act like grownups and are able to sit down rationally and work out the arrangements that ensure your children are fully catered for and you have a home to live it.

There was domestic violence involved but I never charged him.
I recently tried to get in touch with him on his intentions to ask for a divorce, he says he will give us half and wants us to move out to a social housing. No need to get Solicitors involved. I obviously have no trust in doing it amibicaly

Dont believe a word he says, he's left you, he was a nasty lying abuser and now he's saying he wants you out with the children and into social housing. Is he out of his mind?

get a solicitor involved, they will ensure you get the right divorce settlement and aren't screwed over by your ex.

Thank you. Finally. That's exactly what I mean. At the moment, 50% doesn't get me anything. It might do in couple of year when I am better in my career or have someone to share a new mortgage with me. But at the moment I had my affordability checks done and not so great.
I started my research and I know more than I did yesterday. And it's not all bad.