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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Any mums leave family home in split?

34 replies

jumpinjelly · 27/08/2024 14:48

After 26 years we r separating. We’ve tried, i don’t want to b in a relationship with Hus anymore been this way for many years. We have 2 boys 17 and 21, both very home oriented and a needy Labrador. I’ve said I’d go as I’m the emotionally and mentally stronger and although this has been my home for 20 years too, I’ve said I’d go as I couldn’t see him be the one to leave. This post isn’t about blame etc. I want to know from the mums who bought or rented another home and their kids were older like mine, how do you get your head around mum leaving the family home and the kids - I’m going to buy a 3 bedroom so they’ll have 2 homes but the thought of them having to split their lives and even my husband left here, I’m the heart and warmth of this family- I’m really struggling carrying this burden even though our separation stems from husbands behaviour for the first 17 years of our life. I know as a woman I’m entitled to be happy but I’m such a dedicated mum and I care about my husband- it’s just so hard but I really don’t and can’t be in a relationship with husband now. Any advice please

OP posts:
mitogoshi · 27/08/2024 15:10

I chose to move away. I did stay in the fmh at first and he moved out but I then met someone and i decided to relocate, ex moved back in and then we sold later on

DaisyChain505 · 27/08/2024 15:12

Your children are young adults. They aren’t 8 year olds who have a decade or more to spend growing up between split households. I’m sure they have busy lives filled with education, jobs, friends, partners, hobbies etc and where they go home to sleep at the end of the day isn’t really that big a deal to them and I’m sure they’d prefer to live between two happy households rather than one filled with tension, arguments and toxic behaviour.

whatever you do make sure you get a fair financial split, don’t feel guilty because you are choosing to go ahead with the divorce.

Positivenancy · 27/08/2024 15:35

I did it. My dc are 8 and 11. I did it for several reasons but the main reason being that I had to put my needs first (for once) and the house we lived in didn’t meet them to be honest.

millymollymoomoo · 27/08/2024 17:00

With all due respect your children are grown up ( practically). They are young adults who’ll be at uni or working. They aren’t toddlers who have split homes/ if you stay living near each other they’ll just come and go as and when they feel like it ( as it should be)

plenty of women leave the home through choice or necessity

you need to ensure you both get a fair financial split to allow you both to love on to the next phase of your lives

SonicTheHodgeheg · 27/08/2024 17:04

I don’t think it’s unusual for mum to leave the home when houses can be unaffordable on one salary and mums are often the lower earner

Your sons are at a age where they could be splitting their time between uni/a girl or boyfriend’s house/part-time work… anyway things will probably be fine if you can pick a location that is convenient for them. I hope that you can get your share of the equity quickly so life can go on for you.

ActualChips · 27/08/2024 17:06

What @DaisyChain505 said. You don't need a 3 bedroom house, your kids are adults (17: near enough) and have their own lives. Focus on your happy future.

JanglyBeads · 27/08/2024 17:06

Who do you think your ex will choose to spend most time with?

JanglyBeads · 27/08/2024 17:06

*DC not ex!

bosqueverde · 27/08/2024 17:34

See leaving as caring: your relationship has been difficult for 17 years you say, it must have been difficult for you both. Separating, you enable your ex to develop a different life, another relationship with his DC. That will happen without you, in the former family home or -if he sells- somewhere new.

From what I'm reading I feel a contradiction: it seems that to care for your ex he needs to stay in the former family home, but to care for your DCs they need a new stable home away from him - which is why the new 3-bed. Or do I get that right?

If you can move to a 3-bed nearby, that would be ideal - they can carry things from a house to the other, go back if they left something, stay close to friends etc. Can you though, really? Alternatively I'd question priorities: you care for your ex, but your children (even as young adults) are more in need of help. I would say if life forces you to choose between them, prioritise them, your ex goes and you stay with them in the family home.

Octavia64 · 27/08/2024 17:35

I moved out.

The kids moved with me.

He wanted the house, wasn't so bothered about the kids

They were late teens.

Strictlyfan74 · 28/08/2024 02:26

I moved out. I waited a long time until youngest went to uni (cliche I know). They split their time between us, and I often worry that they feel I ‘abandoned’ them, will it affect their future relationships, or that they don’t have their stuff at my new place so it’s not ‘home’. I made lovely rooms for them and do everything I can to make them feel this is their home too. I hope I have shown them that you can be strong, not to just ‘settle’ and it’s never too late to make a change. They are technically ‘adults’ but still my babies.

Original poster
jumpinjelly · 28/08/2024 08:43

This is my mindset xx they may be basically adults but they’re both big kids too… I just want them to be spared as much by this as possible
i know they’ll b fine, I grieve for all our losses to b honest but, i know we’ll b ok

OP posts:
stayathomer · 28/08/2024 08:55

We are going through this and I’m thinking of leaving as every relationship my kids see that are broken the woman keeps everything. I have all boys and they’ve commented a lot on it- how come the daddy works/ works more and doesn’t get the house. My teens have said it in quite a bitter way about women and I look at how dh’s dad ended up in the shittest flat and miserable and how he was so bitter and I know I could be stronger and more positive and live with it better to give my kids a better example

stayathomer · 28/08/2024 08:56

And op youve so hit it with the ‘grieving for our losses’ but. Totally there xxxxxxx

Coffeeandanap · 28/08/2024 08:59

I left the family home, my daughter was 13 at the time and it’s the only home she’d known. I had the same concerns as you, would she feel my new house was ‘home’ etc. As you’re the heart of the home, the same as me, you will probably find that wherever you are is home to them also, because you’re there. On the first night in our new house my daughter said completely out of the blue that it was strange but this already felt like home. She splits her time between mine & her dad’s (the old family home) & is settled well.

Doublesidedstickytape · 28/08/2024 09:11

Those of you saying the kids are adults and have their own lives are a bit heartless! Young adults can be just as affected by divorce as younger children.
OP - the idea of you having a 3 bed house is a good one. It gives the boys options without pressuring them to be at one place or another.
If it’s been a difficult marriage , the atmosphere will be better when there are 2 households.

user9578 · 28/08/2024 09:16

I did because it had been his family home growing up and an elderly parent still lived there so it didn't seem fair. It did mean I ended up taking less money that I was probably entitled to but at the end I just wanted out. Bought I new house which I love far more than the old one anyway, I was never happy there.

twitchywitch123 · 28/08/2024 09:42

Interesting to come across your thread today op.

Another one here with an unhappy relationship. Hanging on with the kids, shared finances etc.

I have inherited a property along with a sibling. I have the finances to buy the sibling out. The inherited property would then be mine. I am seriously considering this idea, even if inherited property is a bolt hole and there is no official split. My dc are younger than yours and still in the middle of schooling. I feel uneasy about unsettling them especially as one of them has SEN and is settled with friends etc. It might make dividing the assets easier in the long term too as no doubt I would most likely have to rent somewhere during house sale/looking for another property and I am not keen on savings going on rent. I don't want to stay in the inherited property long term but it could cover the period I was looking at staying here and at least give me some respite if nothing else. This property could accommodate my dc also, so they can come and stay at the 'bolt hole' with me.

For me, it's not ideal. I am very aware of time away from my dc (one will be starting secondary school next year, so getting older) but it could bridge the gap between being totally unsettling and a big wrench. Your dc are older op, they will be looking to other things no doubt - relationships, work and so on. They will have other things they will want to do.

I do think you need to seek some advice regarding division of assets etc. I am assuming you have enough money to purchase a 3 bedroom home or at least get a mortgage on it.

trailblazer42 · 28/08/2024 10:37

I'm looking to do this - had the separation/divorce talk twice now in last six months and both times husband has convinced me to stay (a whole other issue!) so I know I need physical space between us for the next and final time so I have the confidence to see it through. But the last time we discussed it he refused to leave the house and wanted me to move out. I've come to terms with this being better overall...my daughter is 15 nearly 16 and wants to come with me (if/when) but my son is 18 and now in employment and drives so is less of a physical dependent and can make his own decision.

I've been looking at a local Airbnb rental for a month or two as an initial step because I know I need to go as soon as I've made the decision. I don't have the financial independence at the moment to arrange a more permanent solution without my husband seeing it. The Airbnb also means I can take the dog, have all the essentials provided so I can just pack clothes and belongings and go without worrying about needing to buy everything in a panic for a rental.

I have found out about what sort of mortgage I could get myself and I am able to buy my husband out of the family home if he is willing to move out but I'm not going to tie myself to that option if it's going to drag things out. He has been quite vocal in not wanting to get a mortgage/debt as we've worked hard to pay mortgage off so he may decided to sell the house, but that's his call. I know I can afford at least a shared ownership house of an appropriate size as a medium term solution.

I also know that my relationship with the children is good enough that it would be sustainable outside of living together. The other way around concerns me - my daughter and husband really struggle to get along and she would be very resistant to spending time with him. Husband also has a history of shutting himself down/away when upset and stonewalling so at least if he is in the family home they can still access it/him, whereas his initial reaction to divorce was that he was going to give up work, sell the house and live in a caravan....

millymollymoomoo · 28/08/2024 10:57

It’s not heartless sharing that ops kids are young adults
yes they can be affected by divorce, no one saying that they’re not

but op is writing as if they are toddlers, and splitting their homes etc. in reality one is in 20s and the other nearly an adult who will soon be working it off to uni. They will fly the best and most likely not choose to split time often between mum and dads - rather just visit each and come and go as they like.

op needs to think of her needs and what she wants as her children will rightly be doing their own things

and from a settlement perspective they will be classed as adults and not considered in housing needs requirements ( when the youngest is 18). That’s the legal reality regardless of what morally anyone thinks

Original poster
jumpinjelly · 28/08/2024 13:07

Good luck… the conversation is one of the hardest things… we got back together so many times but this time I’m really leaving and it’s horrendous but… it’ll b ok

OP posts:
trailblazer42 · 28/08/2024 14:46

jumpinjelly · 28/08/2024 13:07

Good luck… the conversation is one of the hardest things… we got back together so many times but this time I’m really leaving and it’s horrendous but… it’ll b ok

Got to be third time lucky for me?! I lasted a week before giving in this time. I've been in counselling for the last six months to help me come to terms with breaking things up. But I know now that I'll always give in if I stay around. I need to do something more drastic.

If you can make some more concrete plans then you might feel better...I'm starting to form a plan and it's easier than just staring into a blurry distance.

twitchywitch123 · 28/08/2024 16:21

so at least if he is in the family home they can still access it/him, whereas his initial reaction to divorce was that he was going to give up work, sell the house and live in a caravan....

Yes, I've had this too. My dc are right in the middle in terms of ages - not old enough to have their own things going on and not young enough to be unaware.

I'm getting to the end of my tether with this kind of thing now. I suspect it is another method of trying to regain control.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/08/2024 18:02

I moved out of the family home. Just make sure you have a roof over your head until the new place is secure.

Original poster
jumpinjelly · 28/08/2024 20:00

Honestly I’m so similar to this - do u find it hard to put your needs ahead of your family’s needs type thing? I really struggle with seeing my husband in pain even though he got us here - stay strong… keep talking to yourself that if you go back within days you’ll wish you hadn’t- your head just wants to keep you safe which means not risking separation but your heart knows things aren’t ok - this is me

OP posts:
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