Any mums leave family home in split?

[jumpinjelly]

After 26 years we r separating. We’ve tried, i don’t want to b in a relationship with Hus anymore been this way for many years. We have 2 boys 17 and 21, both very home oriented and a needy Labrador. I’ve said I’d go as I’m the emotionally and mentally stronger and although this has been my home for 20 years too, I’ve said I’d go as I couldn’t see him be the one to leave. This post isn’t about blame etc. I want to know from the mums who bought or rented another home and their kids were older like mine, how do you get your head around mum leaving the family home and the kids - I’m going to buy a 3 bedroom so they’ll have 2 homes but the thought of them having to split their lives and even my husband left here, I’m the heart and warmth of this family- I’m really struggling carrying this burden even though our separation stems from husbands behaviour for the first 17 years of our life. I know as a woman I’m entitled to be happy but I’m such a dedicated mum and I care about my husband- it’s just so hard but I really don’t and can’t be in a relationship with husband now. Any advice please

I left the family home. Not for the same reasons as you but I couldn't afford to pay the mortgage and he refused to leave and I just couldn't continue living with him. My children are 18, 17 and 14. I have the youngest 50 percent of the time but the elder 2 still live with my husband and don't often stay with me, but to be honest its more because they are doing their own thing and are out with friends most of the time and they wanted to stay in their home which they have lived in for all of their lives. I do get upset about it but if I'm honest I probably wouldn't see them much if I was still living there.

I moved out and bought a house. I'm so glad I did.
The memories of my old home needed rid of, I did all the work buying it, renovations, changes etc and so it was hard the idea that he was keeping it. But now i hate going back there as its just a continuation of what our marriage became. It looks uncared for and cluttered, but my place is fresh.
The new start has been brilliant. Ex didn't help sort shared things so I packed what I wanted and left what I didn't so he can sort all the clutter (I made sure we had similar things but all the rubbish in cupboards I just ignored)
The kids are 4 & 10 and find the new home exciting. So glad I chose to be the one to go and it's allowed me to really start over.

I am doing this. I want a fresh start, plus the family home is a crumbling Victorian with constant issues that I am fed up of sorting out but also if I left it to him to be the one to move out it would never happen because he hates change, loves control & is impractical & inefficient. If I move at least I know I can get it sorted.

I did this, my ex would have fought for years to keep the house and I was ready to move on and start my life. So I moved out and rented, then bought my own place. Good luck OP. It's hard but so worth it.

Freeflight

I really needed to read your post today. Dc of a similar age. I knew straight away that when I leave, I need a fresh start and it doesn't include this house.

@twitchywitch123 it has been hell. The living together was awful at times but you just do what you can to get through and keep it as amicable and easy as you can.
The house purchase was also fairly awful as he had no drive to push solicitors so I basically did 80% of the work on both the equity transfer to him and my purchase. And he didn't care if it was a week or 2 weeks longer, but I was so done with being there.
I'm now 2 months into my new place and the weight that as lifted had been surreal. I love my new place and it holds memories for me and my kids that don't involve him unless I invite him into the fold. I'm in total control.
Kids just get a bit confused where they will be, but that's because it was summer so they were here there and everywhere for childcare. Hopefully the routine of school will settle it all.

That sounds like me… I’m really struggling being in the house now, he’s so stressed and prickly it’s draining
so u have given me some comfort about it tho x I hope you are happy x

I left. I'm renting (can't afford to buy). We have two children, 14 and 17. The 14 year old lives with me 5 nights a week, the 17 year old stays over one night a week but I see her more often than that.

In our case, my husband couldn't have afforded rent or be approved for a mortgage on his own, he had a huge amount of debt which he was paying back via voluntary arrangement. So it had to be me. Plus I did like the idea of a fresh start. It has been difficult to adjust, for my youngest particularly, but I don't regret the decision.

It’s good to hear other peoples stories- I’m starting to look at properties now, I have my deposit so just got to find something
I just get riddled with guilt and fear which makes me want to stay but I’m really living on my nerves in this situation and we both deserve to b free of that. Husband is really struggling but I have to be respectful but I’ve got my own stuff to sort