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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

ExH taking DD for GCSE celebrations

36 replies

Engineeringlife · 21/08/2024 08:08

DD gets her GCSE results tomorrow. ExH has arranged to take her out for a meal in the evening. He suggested it and she said yes. I only found out about it yesterday.

He has done so little in supporting her through life. When we were together, all the child rearing, housework etc suddenly fell onto me during mat leave and then stayed that way until I left after his affair. He pays no CS and hides his true income through being self-employed. He gives DD no money.

He spends little time with DD unless it is convenient for him. He hasn’t bought anything for birthdays or Christmas ever! However, he’s witty and funny and makes my daughter laugh. She likes (or craves for) his company/approval.

I am so upset that I am not able to celebrate this day with her and I will be at home alone tomorrow evening. I don’t want DD to feel guilty but I’m also annoyed with her. She wants to get her results with her friends and spend the day with them and then she is going out with ExH.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Part of me feels like I am overreacting but I am p*ssed off!

Any advice from the wonderful women in my phone or just a hand held would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Bunnyannesummers · 21/08/2024 08:10

Why didn’t you make plans to celebrate with her first?

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 21/08/2024 08:13

That must be a kicker for you. Small consolation (but a big hug) but in years to come she isn’t going to remember or put a lot of significance on one meal out, no matter what night it happens to be on.

Years of being there, when she really needs you, and all the small things - which aren’t that small when you add them all up - is what she will know to be real parental, steadfast, unconditional love. And she will love you right back for it. She does anyway - but she’s a 16yr old girl and they don’t always acknowledge it! Xx

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 21/08/2024 08:14

Bunnyannesummers · 21/08/2024 08:10

Why didn’t you make plans to celebrate with her first?

Helpful 😒

cansu · 21/08/2024 08:14

I think you plan to take her out tomorrow and stop making this day about your ex. I understand he has been useless but he is her father and you picked him.

highdaysandholudays · 21/08/2024 08:16

Feel for you. Just be ready for tomorrow. The results could be disappointing. You will be the one supporting her. Have a good fucking cry and acknowledge your ex for the cunt that he is. You're bette than him.

Wish you luck tomorrow. Results day for my DS who's my third child. He's struggled immensely with anger issues and self harm during year 11 because of his relationship with his Dad. Not the same for my olde ones who are both at uni. He won't have done well and is massively stressed today.

Your daughter is trying to please her Dad in a way. Kids can't help it.

Changed18 · 21/08/2024 08:17

I think I’d be inviting myself along if I was on speaking terms with him. Can you ring him up, point out she has two parents and you’d like to be there too on this special day?

mushpush · 21/08/2024 08:21

Honestly it's GCSE results day - not her wedding or birth of a child - those are true celebrations. Remember that in the future years when she looks back on her childhood, she won't remember who went for what meal when - she'll remember the years of support she had from you.

You're looking at your ex through your eyes, the eyes of an adult and someone who had a totally different relationship to him than your daughter does. Whatever past relationship issues you have with him or how your relationship went won't be at the forefront of your daughter's mind - she'll just see her dad offering a meal for a results day.

mamajong · 21/08/2024 08:23

It's about DD not you or her Dad so if that's what she wants to do let her do it. You will have had and still have to come plenty of other firsts. Some of our DC friends are going on their own as their parents are away on holiday, so at least she has 2 parents on hand if needed. It's just a day when you stop and think, you could always take her for brunch or lunch or celebrate the day after.

Mistycactus · 21/08/2024 08:23

Yes that’s a bit of a kicker but I think I’d rise above this one and let her enjoy it for what it probably means to her-a one off special evening out with her dad for a one off special occasion rather than what you’re seeing it as (a culmination of the effort you’ve put in together for the results).
Can you do something nice for yourself in the evening to give yourself a pat on the back and then treat her to a nice day out later? Maybe shopping for college clothes or something?

Meadowfinch · 21/08/2024 08:24

I'm taking DS to school to collect his results. Assuming they are good and he's in the mood to celebrate, we're going out to lunch.

Why not do the same? Don't be cross with her, allow her to enjoy herself. She will have earned it, and it's not her fault your ex is a lazy selfish knob.

socks1107 · 21/08/2024 08:27

Take her out for brunch straight after.
My ex is exactly the same. No interest in his kids until he pop it all Facebook. Learn to shrug your shoulders, I'm bitter but I never let it show anymore

pigalow27 · 21/08/2024 08:27

It must really hurt OP and I really feel for you. I would be upset too. I think this maybe shows how secure your DD is in your love and support and how she feels she needs to win her dad's love and approval. Him offering a meal out is, in her mind, proof he loves her (to set against all the fears he doesn't which she must feel when she doesn't get birthday or Christmas gifts and he isn't stepping up the way she sees her friends' fathers do.) It's really hard but try to see it as proof of your love and bond that she doesn't feel she needs to please you to maintain your love. She Knows you'll always be there. Good luck for tomorrow.

GHSP · 21/08/2024 08:30

OP your DD might not be able to see things as they really are now, but when she is 25 and looks back she will know that you supported her every day, you looked after her, had her back, loved her and kept things together after your exH was an arsehole. She will also realise, eventually, that her father just turned up for special occasions.

Igmum · 21/08/2024 08:30

So sorry @Engineeringlife. I think @WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing is right though. One day she will see through him. Play the long game. You can celebrate with her another day. Good luck 🤞

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 21/08/2024 08:31

Can you take her for a lovely brunch after she gets her results? Or plan something for the next day? Tell her that you would also like to celebrate her hard work and ask her what she’d like to do/when?

Quitelikeacatslife · 21/08/2024 08:33

Take her out of Friday , have your celebration then. And do something lovely when she comes in from being with her friends . Tell her to get ready an hour earlier and have a bit of time with you. He's not taking anything from you, these kids soon learn and know the truth .

Original poster
Engineeringlife · 21/08/2024 08:52

Thank you for the support. @socks1107 you are right, it will make a good social media post for ExH.

DD knows nothing about my upset and the day will be about her and not my feelings. I’m annoyed by ExH doing this and excluding me but I’m not letting him know.

DD is 16 and as much as I wish she was emotionally mature to understand this situation from my perspective, I will never put her in the middle of us, or make her choose, or inform her what a selfish prick her father is. I’ve always encouraged their relationship.

OP posts:
TattoedLady · 21/08/2024 09:50

She likes (or craves for) his company/approval.

She's 16, guaranteed she already has some understanding that her own father doesn't have much time for her. And if he rarely steps up, then I can fully understand her jumping at the chance for dinner after her results. It's a little bit of effort from him on the one day she's "successful" and (in her mind) shows her he cares.

You're her Mum, and she knows she has your love and approval. She doesn't need that reassurance from you but she does from her father.

lazysummerdayz · 21/08/2024 12:36

To be honest at her age she is old enough to know the truth of what a poor father he is. She could be eligible to vote shortly at age 16 . Let her go this time but then perhaps a sit down and explain why you feel hurt/aggrieved by it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 13:02

Engineeringlife · 21/08/2024 08:52

Thank you for the support. @socks1107 you are right, it will make a good social media post for ExH.

DD knows nothing about my upset and the day will be about her and not my feelings. I’m annoyed by ExH doing this and excluding me but I’m not letting him know.

DD is 16 and as much as I wish she was emotionally mature to understand this situation from my perspective, I will never put her in the middle of us, or make her choose, or inform her what a selfish prick her father is. I’ve always encouraged their relationship.

It's so so so painful being the moral one who does all the hard responsible bits. Just so unfair. I'm here with a toddler at the moment but seeing what my future will be like via Mumsnet!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 13:05

lazysummerdayz · 21/08/2024 12:36

To be honest at her age she is old enough to know the truth of what a poor father he is. She could be eligible to vote shortly at age 16 . Let her go this time but then perhaps a sit down and explain why you feel hurt/aggrieved by it.

I disagree she should ever say she was hurt that daughter said yes to him.

Op this is really similar to another recent thread where a daughter was choosing her similar dad and stepmum to drive her up to uni and the mum was so so sad about it can anyone remember what it's called and link it here as it could be helpful for op? You might even want to reach out to that mum and have a virtual drink and Rant together (and congratulate each other on being such great single mums)

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 13:07

Ps op i think you should try and see dad as a fun big half brother or something. You wouldn't resent an adult big brother taking her out for dinner to celebrate you'd encourage it and hope they enjoy- that's about as useful as your ex is so think of him as a Peter Pan type person to entertain her and buy her stuff and less like 'the other parent' as he's not an equal parent to you in any way x

Potentialmadcatlady · 21/08/2024 13:07

Hang in there.. it does get better.. my exh did exactly the same…when my dd hit her 20s she saw right through him and now I get to spend all the ‘special’ events with her and he doesn’t at her request… She makes time for him but only after we have time first. She openly says ‘you were there for me always and he isn’t’
It does get better.. keep taking the high road

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 21/08/2024 13:10

IF he turns up and goes ahead with a meal, let her enjoy him spending some of his money on/with her.

YOU could do lunch if you choose to.

as someone said it's GCSE's not her Wedding !

as for being home alone in the evening. does your dd never go out ?
and a meal is usually a couple of hours if that.

notatinydancer · 21/08/2024 14:58

cansu · 21/08/2024 08:14

I think you plan to take her out tomorrow and stop making this day about your ex. I understand he has been useless but he is her father and you picked him.

Do you think women deliberately pick bad fathers ? Seriously? What a stupid comment.