ExH taking DD for GCSE celebrations

[Engineeringlife]

DD gets her GCSE results tomorrow. ExH has arranged to take her out for a meal in the evening. He suggested it and she said yes. I only found out about it yesterday.

He has done so little in supporting her through life. When we were together, all the child rearing, housework etc suddenly fell onto me during mat leave and then stayed that way until I left after his affair. He pays no CS and hides his true income through being self-employed. He gives DD no money.

He spends little time with DD unless it is convenient for him. He hasn’t bought anything for birthdays or Christmas ever! However, he’s witty and funny and makes my daughter laugh. She likes (or craves for) his company/approval.

I am so upset that I am not able to celebrate this day with her and I will be at home alone tomorrow evening. I don’t want DD to feel guilty but I’m also annoyed with her. She wants to get her results with her friends and spend the day with them and then she is going out with ExH.

I cried myself to sleep last night. Part of me feels like I am overreacting but I am p*ssed off!

Any advice from the wonderful women in my phone or just a hand held would be appreciated.

@Engineeringlife My DD is getting her results tomorrow but we’re going out tonight to celebrate. We always celebrate the night before results (did the same for older DD) as we acknowledge and celebrate the commitment to the hard work, not the grades on the piece of paper.

Tonight, she’ll get a gift, a card telling her how proud we are of her, and a meal in the local pub. Tomorrow, we’ll go to school to collect results and then take it from there. We fully expect DD to do well, but even if she is disappointed, then at least we have already celebrated her and the effort she put in, without any disappointment of grades overshadowing it. We’ll probably bung her £20 to go and celebrate with friends tomorrow after school.

Can you get in first and surprise her with a meal out tonight? Celebrate HER - not the grades - she’s the one that really matters.

@FerminRomeroDeTorres What a lovely idea! I love the fact you’re celebrating her hard work not just the grades on a piece of paper.

My dad never did anything for me growing up. I was an obvious inconvenience once he’d left my mum. He’d always appear at birthdays, Xmas, results days etc. He wanted to appear to be the doting father.

Im now in my 40s and never see him. I don’t ring him with news, good or bad. I don’t sent him pictures of my DC, I won’t be telling him DD results tomorrow.
I speak to my mum daily. DD will FaceTime her as soon as she gets her results.

My point is….it’ll hurt now but children soon work out who’s in their corner. A meal out will pale in comparison when she looks back at all the love and support she’s had everyday of her life from you.

Ok I have a different- but feels similar- example from my life . If it helps or not I don’t know !

the day before my 21st birthday my auntie rang me and asked what I was doing for my birthday. I didn’t have any plans at all until the next day as husband was working, and said so . She then invited me out for lunch - we had a lovely time.

a few weeks later of my mum being snippy with me , I asked her what was wrong , and it turns out she was really upset that I had gone out with my auntie on my birthday and not her .

obviously I didn’t plan on hurting my mum , but as another poster said further up ⬆️ why didn’t you make a set plan to do something? She probably thought (as I did) that nothing had been planned because it wasn’t been celebrated/ people were busy .

make a firm plan with dd to celebrate with her . Either the next day or when she gets back from her meal out - I can’t imagine it being long.

she won’t be being mean to you at all

I ‘rewarded’ her financially for the number of hours of revision she has put in rather than the results. I will pop out and get her a card and gift for this evening. Thank you for the idea.

Please can I point out that ExH made these plans a few weeks ago. He NEVER does anything like this for birthdays, Christmas etc so it blind sided me.

We’ve had a busy summer and it never occurred to me that I needed to organise results day in July. I was going to take my DD’s lead on what she wanted friends/family.

She’s very academic and good results are predicted, I’m aware this could become pear shaped tomorrow. I think ExH wants some reflective glory as he gives the impression on social media that he’s an amazing dad. It will be about him not DD.

I am feeling much better after reading the thoughtful comments and have things in perspective now.

Thank you x

The absolute Fucktard of an ExH! He’s really surpassed himself! DD got fabulous results and
Fucktard had posted on Facebook (a friend screenshot it for me) that he is taking DD out tonight to celebrate and they will have a few or more sneaky vodkas together. DD has drunk a couple of times at parties with friends but I find it really weird that Fucktard wants to get his 16 year old daughter drunk. It’s creepy.

Depending on where they go, the alcohol may be refused then he will look like plonker of the year rather than cool trendy dad of the year.

Oh he is trying to be ‘cool Dad’ 🙄… try and say not too much…

Has he actually turned up to take her out? I get that it's tough Op, but think how she feels. She knows her dad doesn't really care. She just wants a dad in her life.

Separately, apply for maintenance!!

My DD is sensible so I’m not worried. She is being dropped off at home and has forgotten her keys. I have said, don’t be too late as I have work tomorrow morning.
Fucktard has never grown up. He’s trying to play the cool dad and will fail miserably.

@xyz111 i have applied but he’s self-employed and doesn’t declare his full income. It was hilarious during COVID when he got very little support from the government! His parents stepped in to help out, as always!