Child upset. Have I done the right thing.

[FridayFeelingmidweek]

Finally bit the bullet and told children we are separating. DH already moved out and questions were bring raised so we both knew we had to tell them. Tried not to do it in a dramatic way, not too much information but that we are separating.

One child could not stop crying, and I feel utterly awful. They even had a sleep after finding out (unusual). I think, stupidly, I thought thry might have already realised things weren't great but they are so upset their dad won't be here.

We are amicable but I feel sick. Does it get any easier? Nothing I read tells me it gets much better, and that kids of divorce, however well managed, are scarred by it.

Think I was so naive about this. There sadly was no other option other than to separate, but I feel like we have ruined their lives. Anyone been through it with sone advice on dealing with this?

Not much I can say as I am also in the middle but I have been told here & IRL many times that children are worse affected by staying in one unhappy home than in two happier homes. Hope someone else will reply with more reassuring personal experience.

When I told my eldest he immediately burst into tears. A week later he came back and told me that actually, nothing had changed had it (his dad had been very uninvolved anyway), and hasn't worried about it since! Some of it is the shock, but give it a week, make sure you're available for questions and hugs (and alone - not with siblings - in the car can be good because they don't have to look at you as they talk)

Nobody likes change, your child will get used to the new normal. Crying is a stress release as much as being sad and the unknown is stressful.

Keep them involved in the logistics of the separation as in who sees them when, when will they see grandparents and extended family, where will they sleep when not in their normal bed etc. Will they have clothes at both houses or take a suitcase. Can they have duplicates of their favourite toys and games etc. Give them control of what you can, what colour paint/ what bedding on their new bed.

Whilst giving them control though the adults need to remain in charge, children feel safer with boundaries and shouldn't make all the decisions.

I agree with PP. The guilt is huge but children are amazing. Over the next couple of
Weeks as they get used to the new routine, and they grow to trust they will still see both parents. That you are calm and speak to each other and about each other with respect-the kids will calm right down. Change is scary for them but they are amazingly adaptable.

Ah of course they’ll be upset, their world has been shattered, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing, and that it won’t be better for them in the long term. Sorry you’re going through this and hope everything works out for you all

Thank you. Yes, I know that is true, I just also hate doing this to them. Unfortunately I didn't have a choice but to divorce as there were ongoing gambling problems. So far, it's amicable so kids are seeing a calm front, doesn't make the pain of changing their childhoods any less. Good luck to you Stayathomer.

I got some good advice here:
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5141666-to-be-terrified-about-coparenting