To be terrified about coparenting?

[LeSoleilLaLune]

In the middle of a messy divorce. STBXH alternates between hating me & asking me to change my mind & try again. I’m leaving because of years of him being controlling / emotionally abusive / using me to do absolutely everything. I am terrified about how coparenting will be. DS is 7. V attached to both of us. STBXH wants 50/50 & I hope he will cope (maybe even embrace it?) but he keeps also saying he can’t handle DS so it’s possible he won’t stick to it…which would mean I get more time with DS but STBXH would probably always resent me for it. I’m worried when DS is a teen he may prefer his dad & reject me (especially if his dad bitches about me to him) & that STBXH will influence DS in negative ways. I do want DS to have a dad & have worked so hard for 7 years for them to have a good relationship but I am now so so worried DS will have a terrible time & struggle with the changes, with STBXH creating conflict between us etc. Is there anything I can do to mitigate this? Particularlh keen to get advice from coparenting mothers of boys as it feels a different set of issues to if I had a girl.

Hopeful bump

Sorry, I have no experience just bumping for you.

Sounds like you'll all be better off without him. Well done for initiating the separation, I imagine it wasn't easy.

try not to worry OP. I am 15 years in - 3 boys. My youngest has just turned 13. It is fair to say there have been difficult times and all the fears that you have were also mine. One of my boys did go and live with his dad for a couple of years and that was very difficult. However, he came back and now has very little to do with him. Our eldest has a 'path of least resistance' relationship with him, just kind of nods and smiles because he knows that if he were to challenge anything, that would be the end of the relationship and he prefers to have contact. The youngest tries to have regular contact but finds it frustrating so it's limited.

Over the years, I have not shied away from telling the truth when needed but I have also tried to be positive and supportive of their relationship, kind of 'yeah, he's a knob but he's your dad....'. I took the view that his true colours would shine through if I just left him to it and that is how it has worked out - the added bonus is that the children worked it out for themselves with no influence from me and I think this is infinitely better than it having come from me - when they were younger, I certainly could have played it in a way that made them not want to see him but I always figured that would backfire in the end.

Keep smiling. Build your life. Keep your ear to the ground and listen to your children. Before saying anything to the ex, ask yourself 'will this matter in a year's time?' before you make contact with him. Most things really won't matter in a week's time, let alone a year. Work at maintaining distance and not getting drawn in - recognise when you have got drawn in and work to avoid the triggers in the future. My ex will still play games if I let him - sometimes I slip, but mainly I see it coming so avoid getting into it. It takes time and practise. You'll get there.

@notbelieved Thank you. That sounds very tough about your son going to live with his dad but amazing he came back. I am also hoping mine will see his dad’s true colours. And looking forward to being able to practice choosing what & when to say rather than having him in my face all the time.

I have some experience op. My son is in his 20s and his father and I divorced when he was 11. His dad is an abusive and manipulative man.

It has been difficult as my son still makes excuses for and worships his father. At times I've felt like my son has been asked to feed information back about my personal life , I know this because my daughter has heard exh drilling my son for facts. Our relationship has been tricky due to this. But it has improved with age which I am grateful for.

One thing I will say is that my son didn't ever want to live with his dad , I believe this is because inspite of all of the excuses my son makes for his dad's crappy behaviour , he knows that life would've been chaotic there and he has never wanted that.

The best advice I can give you is to continue to parent well and honestly. Give him consistency and listen to him. It's hard , but as a loving parent you will do the best by him.

@FriendsDrinkBook Thank you. My son is due to be with his dad 50/50 but I also think it may be quite chaotic or at least uncomfortable. I’ve always done most of the housework, admin etc etc, made the household tick if that makes sense. His dad claims not to be able to use the washing machine or book swimming at the local pool. I think my son may also prefer to live with me as he gets older. It’s a comfort to think he might not go off to his dad’s permanently if only because I am more willing to wash socks (!)

It sounds very similar op. I think it must be incredibly difficult for those children that are stuck in the middle in that they don't want to say a bad word about either parent , even if they know that one of them is behaving poorly or being neglectful.

I won't lie , it has been a rough ride. My son's teenage years were hard to manage as he was so angry about his dad's general attitude but couldn't/wouldn't express why. I saw that anger because I allowed him to speak freely whereas he was controlled and silenced by his dad. I had to put my foot down frequently with my son when he crossed a line with harsh words aimed at me. But I understand that my son is a victim too and he needed/needs support to move forward.

It's hard to be a child's safe space when you sometimes feel unsafe yourself and are exhausted by it all , so please take it easy and try to give yourself time to recharge.

@FriendsDrinkBook Thats really good advice about letting my son speak freely. Thank you. I definitely do need to get myself feeling safe again too.

Read and reread "How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" encourage DS critical thinking skills.

@RandomMess Thank you for the reminder. I read that a while back but time to read again.