Stuck living together , how to cope

[Uncomfortableinmyownhome]

Been with my husband for 20 years, we are now separating but it's a slow process as we've been together our whole adult lives, have a huge amount of "stuff" and a difficult financial situation as he isn't working at the moment, he's off sick long term.
We have 2 preteen kids in the house and a dog. I work full time term time so I'm currently off for the summer and it is unbearable.
Part of the reason for our separation is that he shows no emotion and is very detached from our family life. It has since been discovered that he possibly has autism but that doesn't make it OK. I'm the type of person that needs to be shown love and interest in our lives so I just cannot cope with it anymore and neither can the children. He makes them feel that he isn't interested in them and doesn't want to do anything with them.
I do 100% of everything for and with the kids whist he sits and watches tv from morning to night.
So much resentment and hatred has built in me now that I can't stand to be around him. Our house is pretty large so he is downstairs and I am upstairs most of the time, we just try to avoid each other but it's no way to live.
Does anyone else have this situation at the moment? Things are very awkward between us and we only speak if it's something important about the kids. I hate being in my own home. How can I make it better? Luckily we don't share a bedroom

Lots of things in your post resonate with me too, OP.

My children are a bit older than yours, my dh isn't ill but the atmosphere was very similar.

I'm now renting a flat in an ok area, have repainted everything white, have the bare minimum in terms of furniture and am learning to budget. It's doable, it's peaceful and none of us are living with that awful tension.

I agree with the others that there will never be a good time, your dh will never be ready, and you are just prolonging an unhappy situation.

Could you try to prepare by looking at rentals, at what help you'd be entitled to, having a clear out (sell old clothes, toys etc on ebay...money you can put towards things you'll need in your new place)? That way you are moving forwards and the momentum will carry you fir a whike and hopefully build.

I could've written your post word for word except my DC are older teens,
It's horrible and becoming increasingly hostile the nearer we get to divorce completion,

I never imagined it would become so destructive living under same roof when separated, even with separate bed rooms.
I would never recommend it even as a stop gap but I can't afford to go anywhere until an order is in place

I can't wait to free if him

I'm in the same sytuation. I'm scared to divorce as DC on his side. Don't know if better will be to wait another 3 years when DC are 18 and financially better to divorce. I'm feeling like in prison. I'm scared I won't manage financially on my own if DC on his side and I will have to leave.

6 years to go.

sdds15

Similar time scale to me. Things are becoming more unbearable though. I don't want to spend my time wishing life away. I don't on the whole, I have much in life that I do enjoy but I can see how it is affecting my mental health, my self esteem, my emotional wellbeing.

I had a similar situation - although finances were simpler to sort out so xDP moved out a couple of weeks ago - and the first 6 weeks of the holiday were unbearable a he'd get up, sit at the downstairs table and do sweet fa every day, just sit there huffing and puffing but having opinions about everything that was going on around him. A huge weight has been lifted since he left. If you can't see a way to separate then can you do something within the house so that the only "shared" space is the kids rooms? Separate cooking, living spaces, etc.? Could your kids double-up so you can create another sitting room/living space that could be for the three of you?

Keep in mind though that his situation and getting himself sorted out is not your problem to solve. He's a grown up and you're not his mum. Sell the house, do what you need to do with your half? It sounds like you'll manage just fine! Since my xDP left I've realised how much of everything we did revolved around his needs. The kids have come back from the weekend at his and said the same. My ex was like a buzzing black energy vaccum and sitting in the center of the house meant that everything revolved around him. I don't know whether that was deliberate or not but now he's gone he's taken that fizzing ball of doom away with him and life is so much lighter. If you can navigate your way to life without him, you won't look back.

Me too!

Nearly two years of being in the spare room. I'm thankful we have a spare room but before I lost my job it was also my home office a few days a week. That made WTH incredibly challenging.

I rarely spend time in the lounge. Somebody here suggested a rota bu then I know I'd have to clean it up otherwise I can't relax, so instead I stay in my room. It's 10x10 and I desperately need more space, but I have books, a TV and laptop. My clothes are in the main room still.

Once the kids are in bed, I either hide out here, or go to the gym, walk to dog, pop round a friends house. Not ideal.