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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Stuck living together , how to cope

32 replies

Uncomfortableinmyownhome · 10/08/2024 11:40

Been with my husband for 20 years, we are now separating but it's a slow process as we've been together our whole adult lives, have a huge amount of "stuff" and a difficult financial situation as he isn't working at the moment, he's off sick long term.
We have 2 preteen kids in the house and a dog. I work full time term time so I'm currently off for the summer and it is unbearable.
Part of the reason for our separation is that he shows no emotion and is very detached from our family life. It has since been discovered that he possibly has autism but that doesn't make it OK. I'm the type of person that needs to be shown love and interest in our lives so I just cannot cope with it anymore and neither can the children. He makes them feel that he isn't interested in them and doesn't want to do anything with them.
I do 100% of everything for and with the kids whist he sits and watches tv from morning to night.
So much resentment and hatred has built in me now that I can't stand to be around him. Our house is pretty large so he is downstairs and I am upstairs most of the time, we just try to avoid each other but it's no way to live.
Does anyone else have this situation at the moment? Things are very awkward between us and we only speak if it's something important about the kids. I hate being in my own home. How can I make it better? Luckily we don't share a bedroom

OP posts:

cupcaske123 · 10/08/2024 11:45

The only things I can suggest are completely separating your lives. If you do anything for him, then stop doing it.Get hobbies and activities that take you out of the house.

urrrgh46 · 10/08/2024 11:53

I actually divorced my exDH after 23 years. We have been living in the same house with kids ranging from adult to small. I don't work and he is perm WFH. He is probably autistic too and I have ADHD (both discovered through our kids having neuro diversity). Tbh it's been a terrible few years and I've now decided we should try again...very slowly and being very clear about his and my expectations (he never wanted the divorce). We also have a large house and don't share the bedroom and there is/was no possibility of either of us moving out due to finances. But in the end better the devil....and better for the kids in the long run hopefully.

urrrgh46 · 10/08/2024 11:55

Recommend making your own life though - that's something I've been working on and it has really helped me regardless of whether we stay together now or not.

teenmaw · 10/08/2024 11:58

What's stopping you getting the house situation sorted? Ie you taking I. The mortgage and him moving out or you buying him out or selling it? Your situation won't improve until you do this (from experience) and there will never be a 'good time'. He needs to look into what he's entitled to and get himself a new home.

RosieLeaLovesTea · 10/08/2024 12:01

Is he employed or unemployed on long term sickness benefits?
Is he agreeing to move out at some point?
or will this be a long term living situation?
i would see a solicitor asap to get legal advice on your options. You may be the one to have to make the move to live separately - it may cost more but surely worth the quality of life in long run?

sdds15 · 10/08/2024 12:02

don't want to expand too much but very very similar situation
waiting for youngest to reach 18
we try to tolerate each other. Holidays are not easy, too much being on too of each other. But trying to cope

Original poster

Uncomfortableinmyownhome · 10/08/2024 12:21

My life is already completely separate to hid, I do everything without him and myself and the kids do most things without him unless he occasionally decides to join us.
My issue is the time spent in the home. When I'm at work/kids at school it is much better and we are all busy and only have to be around him for 1-2 hours during the evening. It's times like now during the 6 weeks holiday.
He has basically taken residence in the living room and full control of the tv so that feels like his space now. The rest of us don't really go in there as we feel uncomfortable.
He is employed but on long term sick, been off 2 years so far. I still care about his well being and at the moment he wouldn't be able to move out on his own.
He is quite a strict parent which I can't bare to watch as he's so uninterested in every other part of our lives I don't feel like he has any right to dish out rules to people.

OP posts:

teenmaw · 10/08/2024 12:27

You say you're separated but you're not. His living situation is no longer your issue. Fundamentally this mindset is what's keeping you stuck. You need to focus on rebuilding your life, he needs to be an adult and concentrate on what his next move is, the same as any other single guy in his (albeit very unfortunate) situation would have to do, leaning on his own support network. You're keeping yourself stuck here by acting like you're actively still his wife, you're not 🤷🏼‍♀️

RandomMess · 10/08/2024 13:02

Set a rota for the living room.

If he kicks off about it then you need to hasten selling the house.

WhereAreWeNow · 10/08/2024 13:07

Following OP. I don't really have any advice but I want to separate from my DH but don't know how and can't see where he would go or how we could cope with living together while he worked something out. It's bad enough as it is. Like you, we lead separate lives. It's OK when we're at work/school but it's terrible at weekends and holidays.

Soonenough · 10/08/2024 13:13

I have the same situation. The only redeeming feature is that we have enough room for seperate bathrooms and reception rooms. Also LT term illness . Unless you can afford to buy him out you will need to carve out your areas. He does not get to parent occasionally. Do it as long as you are able to cope with it . I have got to the stage where I just live my own life and we both benefit from having financial aid and another adult in the house.

Original poster

Uncomfortableinmyownhome · 10/08/2024 13:33

I can't just kick him out as he legally owns 50% of the house so has as much right to live here as me. I can't buy him out.
He isn't mentally able to go through the process yet . Ideally I would like him to move to his parents but he won't do that. We just have no solutions at the moment as can't afford to live separately.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/08/2024 13:51

Well rota it is then for the kitchen, washing machine, lounge etc.

Sound like you need to move into rented then force sale of the house otherwise the situation will be the same in 10 years.

teenmaw · 10/08/2024 14:11

But op you're going to have to find a way to live separately. You can't afford to live in the manner you're accustomed to perhaps but you either settle for the fact this is your life now, or you move out if he can't, he'll realise quickly the house needs sold when he can't afford to pay for it on his own and if he can't cope with it, he'll need to instruct a solicitor or advocate. Again, your mindset is stuck in the current situation, you need to push your plans forward, find out what you're entitled to benefit wise and see what you can afford. You will need maybe need to downsize etc but that's what happens when you separate. You're only concentrating on solutions that keep you stuck it needs to be ones that help you forward. He will sit in this situation forever if you let him and your precious years are slipping by.

AnotherVice · 10/08/2024 14:16

The only way is to sell the house. He will never mentally be ready, why would he be? This arrangement suits him. You will be able to afford somewhere to rent. Trust me, your life will be so much better for it.

CarolConcert · 10/08/2024 14:51

AnotherVice · 10/08/2024 14:16

I agree with this. It's not easy but it is doable. My ex husband dug his heels in to try to force me to stay put. You need to speak to a solicitor. Does your work have an employee assistance program, you might be able to access some basic legal advice.

20 years later, I'm so glad I did. Good luck OP

TomatoSandwiches · 10/08/2024 14:59

He has been off for 2 years already and you say unable to cope with moving.... how much longer do you think it will take for him to be able to cope?

The reality is that he will not like it whenever it happens.
Get organised, be prepared to accept he will not help the process of selling and packing up the house, get moving or you'll be in the same house with the same situation in another 2 years.

savoycabbage · 10/08/2024 22:26

Have you got any other living space in the house that you could utilise?

herthatwitch · 11/08/2024 19:51

Similar situation here op. Similar reasons for seperation too. Large house, so fortunately enough rooms to disappear into, including own bedroom.

The school summer holidays have made it a lot worse - as you say normally there are just a few hours in the day to contend with but this is nightmarish with the dc thrown into the mix too and husband taking time off. I'm just getting through the days and trying to make the most of them. It feels gruelling to be honest.

I know I'm not trapped but I am trying to get a few things lined up. I do get a sense of being stuck. This way of life is not sustainable in the longer term, I just cannot do it.

In the Autumn when the dc return to school, I plan to find out where I potentially stand financially. I've got a rough idea however, getting this confirmed will be a step forward. I am also awaiting counselling as I really need to talk to someone and get some support with this.

In the meantime, I'm trying to build my social network up, focusing on anything dc needs and working on my interests and hobbies. I feel impatient but I know this is going to take time (and I know there is never a right time but it feels like now is not the right time if I'm being pragmatic which is probably the best way to go given my own particular circumstances).

I feel isolated with this. It is such a horrible situation to be in. I'm sorry you are experiencing this op but is a comfort knowing I'm not alone.

herthatwitch · 11/08/2024 19:59

I tend to flee the house often these days as a coping mechanism, which isn't particularly peaceful or good for dc. I want my own space in which to relax with dc. Husband doesn't listen and just grumbles at me a lot. I have to bite my tongue often for dc's sake. I realised our emotional connection wasn't there a while ago and things have just deteriorated over time. Your husband sounds similar to mine although mine will do some tasks around the home. It is true what they say, when you are with the wrong person, it can feel extremely lonely because of what is supposed to be but isn't.

Nat6999 · 11/08/2024 20:13

Has he got a television in his room? You & dc have just as much right to the living room as him. Could he move a comfy chair into his room to make it somewhere he could sit during the time you want the living room. If he isn't working, can he take over 50% of childcare?

herthatwitch · 11/08/2024 20:42

Have you got long to go? I can't do this as far as dc2 concerned just way too far off as gap in ages. DC1 will be thereabouts. Trying to get as close as possible but realised this is impossible as the situation has become too intolerable.

Lostandlonelyuk · 12/08/2024 17:02

I'm in a similar situation too. We need to complete work on our house so we don't get screwed on price, but not sure when we can afford to complete it. I haven't even told my husband yet that I'm 100% done, I'm still trying to pretend it's ok with him walking all over me. I'm doing as much round the house as I can to get it in a sellable condition, but I don't know how much longer I can keep up the act. Our daughter is still a baby, which makes moving into a different space in the house difficult.

Iworkmiricles · 12/08/2024 22:41

He'll never go of his own accord. Ever. He will never be ready.
Why would he? He's living the dream. Not working, everything paid for, people leave him alone to do his own thing.
Been there, done that. The children going to love you more for getting him out. Trust me. This is hurting them too more than you think.
I would start divorce proceedings, it takes at least year and he us going to delay as much as he can. Even if the court order says he must be out in 12 weeks, he won't go.
You need to get angry,
You need to get someone who is going to be there for you (yes, a new love interest, you need to see what it's really like)
It's so easy for me to say this now, like people said to me, but this time last year I had a mental breakdown. I now have my own house it's fab..

Yes, child care is easier with him there, but I discovered people actually help you!
You can do this.
You need to do this.
Be selfish.
Do it for the children.

Iworkmiricles · 13/08/2024 08:40

Also, he needs to get help and some harsh life reality. He's going to really struggle to get a private rent as unemployed and a single male on the council list is low priority. He needs to get himself down as vulnerable so he has some priority

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