Husband went to erotic massage

[Tobyman]

Hi first time on here!

Married 10 year we have 4 kids and in pregnant now too.
Hisband has always had a small issue with porn but as far as I knew it was mostly something of the past with a few exceptions! Well. A couple weeks ago he told me he was getting help he thinks a sex addict I was a bit shocked as I had no inclination. I asked him to explain he just said he been distracted lately a lot having many urges online activity etc. I could see he was taking it very seriously he has started going to meetings doing the 12 step program with a sponsor. I asked him last week to be honest with me and tell me exactly what he has done. I don’t know if he told me the full truth but he eventually opened up and basically said he has been busy every night up late messaging women on his phone I assume prostitutute and illegal massage service enjoying speaking to them getting pictures from them etc. then he said he went last year I had no idea about this to an erotic massage parlour where he had a full naked body to body massage with a happy ending. I was shocked! Then he said and I did it again 2 weeks ago! But this time I paid for extra so I don’t know what that means I gues lots of mutual touching and he was petrified that he caught STD there but I said you didn’t have sex he said no .. but we did other things I assume he means oral like he licked her up there or something. Anyway I feel sick to the the stomach. Didn’t eat for about a week couldn’t think about anything else at all. And he is like I’m dealing with it I’m getting better I have an addiction which I can’t control and now I’m finally dealing with it. I don’t trust him I don’t think he has told me everything he says he has. He has broken my trust and he keeps saying stop looking over my phone stop asking me where I am you need to trust me but how can I? He told me he was very close to sleeping with prostitutes at the time but then decided to get a body massage instead. I’m so repulsed. But I’m also heavily invested in this relationship we share 4 kids and one on the way I can’t just pick up and leave. And he promised he is changing

He won’t change. He behaves like this because you allow him to, the way you speak so casually about him messaging and paying women for sex is really odd. He is cheating on you regularly and you just say you’re invested in the relationship?

Both Can be True

• he has a sex addiction, he is trying to get it under control and is struggling

And

• His sex-capades are cheating and a betrayal of your relationship
• You are not compatible with an open relationship with a reforming sex addict

Feeling sick to your stomach is how I would feel and I would divorce him for adultery. It doesn’t mean you don’t trust him or don’t believe him…it’s adultery and a complete break down of the relationship.

It’s similar to being married to a gambling, drug, drink addict- you can trust they are trying to get better AND still legitimately and understandably still want out of the marriage. Especially when you have children in that environment. He isn’t fit to be married or a parent.

But I have read a lot of stories where people have completely changed their life around with the right help. Now they are clean for 20 years should I give him a chance

This will be the tip of the iceberg. Cheats rarely reveal all the truth and if he's an addict then you can bet he's cheated more than twice.

I would get an sti test to start of with. You need to decide what you want to do OP. He's been cheating on you continuously and has been seeing sex workers. If he hasn't already, he will escalate to sex.

There's a website you might find helpful called surviving infidelity.

I'm so sorry. That is awful for you. It's possible that it's a genuine addiction & he may want to change. He can't just expect you to trust him on it, though. That's totally unreasonable of him. This is a serious situation & would probably require couples therapy. I personally, couldn't cope with that at all. My boundaries wouldn't allow for it. I'd be out. Easy for me to say, though. Good luck with this, my heart goes out to you.

Regardless as to whether it's an addiction or this is a cover up for blatant cheating...is this how you want to live your life? Honesty is an integral part of a relationship and at best he's lied to you about his sexual inclinations, at worst he's cheated and put you and your unborn child at risk of stds.
Addiction is addiction. Yes, treatment can be sought. But, it's the same process for drugs, gambling, whatever. You don't have to tolerate it. It's not your addiction and you have 5 little people requiring so much more.
You sound like a spectator on your own marriage. The fact you didn't request more information and say you assume he did x,y,z..makes me feel he's getting away with half truths..
If you did want to continue, then at least I would be requesting the complete truth.

He could have stopped and changed his behaviour at the 1st, 2nd,3rd or 4th pregnancy/child birth. But here you are pregnant with your 5th and he's been doing this the entire time. He literally puts his sexual satisfaction with total stagers above you and your children.

The simple truth is that addicts will always out their addiction above anything and everything. I say this as an addict myself. The difference between him and me is that I DID turn my life around and stopped taking cocaine. But I have to work at that every single day and it's much much harder than just letting the addiction win.

Let him get help and sort himself out, and he can come back in a year to you once he's done that. Chances are he won't sort himself out. I wouldn't be wanting to hold his (sticky) hand through it.

In your shoes I would urgently get an std test, you're pregnant and your dh is an absolute pig.

What he's telling you will be the tip of the iceberg.

Getting clean and changing your life involves abstinence. Alcoholics stop drinking. Addicts stop taking hard drugs. But this is lifelong abstinence which whilst it takes hard work is easier than trying to control and manage a need.

People struggle with weight loss because they cannot avoid or give up food. They have to continue to eat and therefore control overeating impulses for ever. A sexual addiction or compulsion is only going to be managed by control not abstinence.

Also he is calling himself an addict as an excuse or explanation for what he did. What exactly is he addicted to? He didn’t happen upon porn or a brothel he sought them out. I read sexually frustrated man who went to a brothel for sex. Claiming to be an addict absolves him of making bad choices and being unfaithful.

But it doesn’t really matter. If he is an addict he is a lifelong problem for you. If he is a man looking for random paid sex he is a problem to your marriage. What more do you need to know.

He's a sleaze making excuses for sleazy behaviour.

Sorry OP you might be invested in the relationship but he isn't.
He is repeatedly cheating on you and paying for sex .
He thinks he can tell you anything and just behave how he wants.
I wouldn't be able to even look at him.
Personally I think you should be making plans to leave the relationship. Otherwise you will need to accept that he won't change.

I'm so sorry to hear this. But whatever your circumstances, and however difficult your life might be, have some self respect and kick your husband out. How can you even contemplate staying under the same roof as a partner who has betrayed your trust like this? He has been having sex with other women - unless you are happy to have an open relationship, do you really want to spend the rest of your life knowing that you are living with a serial adulterer? As other people have said, if he has confessed to this, he has almost certainly cheated on you on many more occasions. And as others have said, get an STD test immediately.

I can't tell you how often my eyes roll out of my head when I hear men caught cheating are "sex addicts".

I actually came on here looking for hope , stories of people who have changed and are committed to turning their lives around. I know he is genuinely addicted because he was assessed by a professional and he ticked all the boxes. He has tried multiple times to change his ways and he eventually returns back to it. Now is the first time he is properly enrolled in a Sex Addicts 12 step program with meetings and a sponsor and I can see he is committed. Obviously I will be on the look out for any slight relapse but I strongly believe that he will change I don’t know if that will be enough for me to forgive him I may still never heal and leave the marriage anyway. But there are stories of hope so if you have any please share otherwise I know the other options

He won't change. Anyone can give the right answers in a tick box exercise , he's not an addict, he just wants sex with different people, doesn't think twice about being unfaithful in a marriage, or that he has a high chance of picking up an sti and passing it on to you and your unborn child. Why do you even want him in your life, let him go and live life as a single man who can dip his wick wherever he wants without affecting anyone else. Where does the money come from to pay for this.

Taking it seriously, having a sponsor and the 12 step programme didn't stop him 2 weeks ago.

to be clear he started the program right after he was unfaithful 2/3 weeks ago. And since then I have seen he is clean. As far as I know I have a tracking app on his phone and a hidden app where I can see all web activity and messages text/watsap email basically I’m in his phone I can see he is clean

Hello op I'm so sorry you're going through this it's incredibly hard. I counsel sex addicts and betrayed partners. There are success stories but they take work it's a hard road to go down.

First off you don't have to make decisions now. You have to hold boundaries and keep yourself. If that means a separation so you have space to process and put yourself first. Perhaps you need him to take on more with the children so you have more time to rest. It can be whatever you need.

Support for you
Love after porn on reddit is a great group you can find wonderful support from women going through all the same things.
Human navigating betrayal on facebook

Helping couples heal podcast
Pbse podcast
Choose to be podcast
Omar minwhallas secret sexual basement and integrity abuse
The laurel centre
The naked truth project
You will need a betrayal trauma therapist not any therapist will understand this.

For your partner
He needs a csat/apsat no other therapist will understand.
12 step can only take them so far he needs to do a integrity recovery.
Pbse podcast
Your brain on porn book/ website
We reccomend a full 130 days no porn masturbation sex social media TV detox
Omar minwhalla secret sexual basement and integrity abuse.

• keep yourself safe . App won't let me edit

I know you are looking for hope but I think the posts here are offering you something more more valuable- honesty.

The thing with addicts, including those receiving help from programs, is that many of them relapse from time to time. Say a relapse is a one-off rather than fully reverting to their addiction, they will have a drink, a line, or a bet…. whereas your husband would be using a sex worker’s body for his sexual gratification and possibly putting you at risk of disease.

Is he worth all the work detailed in @MightyGoldBear ’s post, OP?
I’m sorry that this has happened to you. I personally couldn’t see any way back from this. At least consider what example he has set for your children as far as love and sex go.

And to have the audacity to claim 2-3 weeks after the event that you should trust him wholeheartedly - how dare he?

You want to give him a chance so do what you think. It may or may not work out. Can you get involved in the program, talk to his sponsor make sure he really is doing it and is making progress from the professionals point of view? I would want confirmation of what he is doing to overcome this addiction. Or is it just a lifestyle choice for him that he hopes you will just accept or at least put up with? I would definitely be getting regular STI testing, if that suddenly comes up positive, he's still up to something.

I see you don't want to hear this - but my God you need to. Here we go.

He will not change - this is who and what he is.

You are married (currently) to a man who sees women as things. To be bought, used, abused.

The women in the porn he consumes and the sex workers he uses are often trafficked, coerced, threatened slaves.

How much family money that should be going to support your children has he spunked away on his self indulgence and selfishness?

He has presented a neat narrative - 'oh, I'm ill. I'll get better. You "need" to understand, accept and allow all this. It's on you.'

And you want to believe it.

Do you have daughters? I wonder how many women here are the daughters of men like him - and what it did to them?

Do you have sons? I wonder how they'll grow up to see women, with only him and his behaviour as their role model.

What a shit situation to be in. I'm so sorry.

Can you tell anyone? I'd start with your mothers if they're with us.

Is this what you envisioned on your wedding day? A happy life of tracking your husband and trying to work out if he's having a shower or masturbating furiously to cam girls? Bin him.