Daughter won't talk to me

[Nisuspi]

Hi folks, just looking for some advice. My ex-wife and I recently divorced after 16 years of marriage, with one daughter, now 18. It's very amicable between the me and my ex, we argued a lot before we split up, now we get on well. We separated over 2 years ago.

For various reasons it was decided that I stay in the house we owned until the daughter finishes high school at the end of this year (we emigrated 12 year ago so not on UK school terms :))).

For a while, everything was fine and my daughter seemed to be coping well, but then I met someone else. Although it was something I spoke about with my daughter, and we have always had a very strong, open relationship, the reality of it seems to have focussed a lot of anger and emotions onto me. I know I could have introduced her to my new partner over a longer period of time and done more to help ease her into this new reality, but a year on the anger is getting worse. She refuses to spend time at my house, sees my partner as an intruder there that she doesn't like and is getting to the stage where she won't talk to me at all.

The logistics are hard - as much as I'd like to make a clean break, where I am selling this house is nigh on impossible. I know I need to give my daughter time and patience and everything will probably be OK in the long run, but I am worried as she has had her share of issues with anxiety in the past. Selfishly, I'm struggling with not being part of her big life events - turning 18, taking her driving test, doing exams - but I also don't believe that breaking up with my partner would be the best thing for any of us right now.

I just wondered if anyone has been through something similar post-divorce.

Sp you split up 2 years ago and your daughter has had a year when the anger is getting worse - exactly how quickly did you move it and how often is your partner there.

You know you rushed it and should have taken a far longer period of time and no there is no guarantee that having screwed it up at this point she will come round but all you can do now is wait for her to come round and accept her decision

you rushed it and brought someone into her space

I'm the woman in your situation although I've been in her life 14 years and we took it slow when they were young children.
At around 13 ish a deep hatred developed and although she was in our house she wouldn't talk or engage with me. Long gone were the happy weekends and holidays and instead it hostile, with manipulation of her Dad. I stepped back. Made sure I was out the way when she came over and left them to it, it didn't really matter in the end at 18 she decided she wasn't going to talk to him either.

I think whoever I was she would've behaved like this and as a young adult has to have some accountability for her behaviour.
My husband and I have a very happy marriage and I wouldn't have changed how we handled things as nothing would've been good enough unless he was on his own. My dh is devastated with her choice.

I would at this point ask your partner not to be around when you see your daughter and give your daughter the space she needs to adjust. Whether she does or not at 18 is then her choice

The question is when in that first year did you introduce a new partner and in what way. You have written a lot but ducked those really pertinent facts which are probably at the root of why she is antagonist towards your relationship.

Young adults can fall into the trap of trying to control other people’s choices especially when it comes to partners. It’s an unhealthy behaviour and unless addressed they will encounter a lot of conflict and lose people close to them.

However if she has genuine resentment about your behaviour in the year following separation then you need to be the one who reflects.

The important information is missing from your post.

And how much the partner is at your home - of course you have the right to see her but if as I think is the case you met very soon after the split and she spends a lot of time in what was the family home can’t you see how that would make her feel

sometimes like in Socks case you can do all the right things and it still go wrong. You did none of that can still can’t see where it went wrong

When did you meet your partner?
Did you move the new partner into your daughter’s home ?
How soon after meeting the partner?
How did you introduce your daughter ?

Assume you were allowed to keep the family home for sake of dd.
Her mum has had to move out of the family home yet you have moved a stranger in ?

If this is the case, that’s probably why she’s not happy.

Thanks for the replies and sharing your experience socks117.

To answer LemonTT: it was just over a year after the separation - the reason it felt rushed is that my parter lives four hours away, so when she is here, she is here and staying with me in the house. There's elements of all these comments, to be honest. Genuine resentment at having someone in her home/space, but also wanting to control a situation. I do feel guilty - but at the same time don't necessarily think it would have been healthy for me to abandon a relationship after years of an unhappy marriage, especially given my daughter's relative maturity.

My xh stayed in the fmh and I moved out with DD. He moved a new woman in shortly after and DD was devastated. She'd only known the home with me in it and to have another woman sleeping in 'my' room and acting like the woman of the house was unbearable to her, not necessarily because her father had a girlfriend but because there was a strange woman in her home.
Xh has had several gfs since, but rushed DD into meeting all of them. He ceased to have a parenting role many years ago and DD has little to do with him now, partly because he did the whole "I deserve to be happy" thing while ignoring the fact dd completely was not.
So no advice other than to decide what your priority is really.

Just checking something.

Is your new partner staying in the family/childhood home when your daughter also comes to visit?

Is your new partner obviously staying in the martial bed, in the marital bedroom of her childhood home?

Do you see where I'm going with this? Most children (no matter their age) don't like seeing one parent replacing their other parent, especially in the family home. You need to meet your DD elsewhere, or not have your new partner in your home when DD visits.

EDIT - pp above posted as I was typing but we are basically saying the same thing.

Where is her Mum living now? And how old is your new girlfriend? You don't need to end your new relationship, but it isn't fair to carry it out in your daughters home when she has no choice in the matter.

You could travel to see your girlfriend, you could stay in a hotel when she is around, you have other choices - she doesn't.

But if you carry on prioritising your feelings over hers, she will be gone as soon as she can, and you are not going to have much of a relationship with her at all in the future.

Can’t you see though why she feels like she does, her parents split up her mum moved out and then suddenly a year later someone else is in that space saying this is how it is you are practically an adult now deal with it

so she did by removing herself from the situation and you / she didn’t put demands on you to stop seeing her she merely said what was healthy for her and her anxiety (which all of this must have massively exacerbated and sadly control of surroundings can be part of that) and has caused this

you want your partner when you want her there plus your daughter but actually without time and compromise that won’t happen

have you tried just having your daughter there at a time your partner isn’t and trying to make concessions and compromise like two adults rather than saying to her it’s my life you have to deal with it (which isn’t mature)

16-18 are massive years on their own, big exams, life milestones, being seen as an adult. There is a massive amount of pressure over these years for teenagers, and it's a time of huge changes without adding in everything else you've been through as a family.

Unless your girlfriend is awful, I doubt it's her specifically. Your daughter is probably just on the edge of what she can cope with.

It doesn't sound like you've moved in together, so can you arrange for the time being that your DD knows when you won't have the GF there so she can come see you, and relax in the family home with no outside pressure.

As someone who’s been through this kind of thing myself, I can’t tell you how horrible it is to be forced to live with a stranger - and so soon after a big upheaval.

If you want to have your girlfriend in the family
home a lot that’s your prerogative. But you can’t then complain if your daughter doesn’t want to live with a stranger and removes herself from the situation.

Would it have been impossible to wait until she’d left home, which is presumably on the cards given her age? It’s presumably not the case that you couldn’t have been a bit more considerate to your daughter - it’s not that this or breaking up with your girlfriend was the only option.

Think about this: how would you like it if you were suddenly forced to live with your daughter’s boyfriend? And had no say in it? And that’s not even as bad because you haven’t had the upheaval of the divorce during a difficult age, as she has.

That's sound like a very tough situation socks, but also a very very different situation from OPs.

Your DD only had a short period before she finished school when you split up. She needed safety and security and you didn't give that to her. Her anger and hurt is very understandable and it wont magically go away. Control in this situation is often the child trying to feel secure. This was a year after her world blew up. She doesn't have that level of maturity and you should never have expected it of a 17 year old who's parents had recently split up. You're being extreme saying it wouldn't be healthy to abandon the relationship like that was the only other choice. You could have listened and acknowledged and taken things slower.

What have you done now to acknowledge your DDs feelings? Have you admitted your actions hurt her and that her feelings are understandable and valid? Have you apologised for hurting her? Or are you expecting her to react more maturely then you have and forgive you without any of that?

I still think you are ducking pertinent questions about how you managed this introduction and what you told your daughter.

it’s a long distance relationship. How and when did you meet ? Were you going away and not explaining to your daughter that it was to see your new partner for a nearly a year. Or was it someone you just met but were inviting into her home.

Guilt is a wasted emotion if you don’t face up to what you have done wrong even if it is only in her eyes.

If you introduce a new partner within a year of a split then people are going to start doing sums and reflecting on your actions during that period. If you want to avoid your children doubting your fidelity and truthfulness you need to be straight and honest with them.

You are avoiding being direct in your posts and it comes off as evasion. Which your daughter will pick up on. I certainly am.

Let’s put this a different way. You are her father and have known her all her life. You must have some insight into her reasoning and reactions. And in all this you haven’t had a conversation with a near adult, not even a facilitated one that explains why she resents you and the partner. This is your kid. Its sounds like you don’t know her.

There's been a lot of talking and acknowledgement and compromise around these issues - including not having my partner in the house when my daughter is here and vice versa. Up until recently we remained close and able to talk about these issues and recognise each others' feelings, and I absolutely acknowledge my mistakes. The challenge is more about what next than how we got here - the many reasons are painfully well understood.

So you want your partner to move in more and she has withdrawn then as your update is very different to what you said at the beginning

why at the moment a year in does there have to be a what is next

I don't think you can move on from this, your daughter has seen you put yourself and another stranger first, above her when she really needed you to focus on helping her deal with the end of her parents marriage.

You thought she was old enough to manage this relatively alone, emotionally mature enough to cope with this when she clearly was not.

She can't trust you so she won't want to be vulnerable and honest.

I got divorced when DS was 7. It was difficult and because my ex was violent he was banned from seeing DS until he grew up.
Because DS was upset about the whole thing I didn't have another relationship until he was 18 and living an independent life at uni and had lots of friends.
Despite having me to himself for 11 years he was still very upset when I met my 2nd husband. He became quite rude and surly.
I had to remind him that I deserved a life too especially as he was leaving home soon but even so it was a good few years before he accepted it.

Its not about the reasons being painful understood, its about her feeling you know what you did and that you understand the harm you did and that you wouldn't ever put her through that again. It's about her feeling safe and secure. You're still defending your actions on here, so you don't get it and she'll know that. How can she trust you and feel safe with you now?

If you've spoken about it to her how you've spoken on here, about her being so mature and you deserving to prioritise your relationship over her because of your unhappy marriage I don't know if you can ever come back from that. Your asking a lot more of your child than you did of yourself.

If she has anxiety all of this is going to be even harder to get past. Has she had any counselling for the anxiety in the past? I'm asking because if she has seen someone good before they might be a place to start trying to fix this, if she's willing to that is. Alternatively you could look into family therapy if she's willing to try that. Ultimately she has to know she can trust you, that's what it comes down to and having read what you've written on here I don't see why she would.

Your update suggests that you haven’t had your gf in the house when your daughter’s there, but you are proposing moving her in? Is that what’s made your daughter withdraw?

It’s honestly not very clear what the situation is - is there a reason you’re being vague about it? And if everything was fine and discussed/agreed, and your daughter has suddenly changed and withdrawn, and you don’t know why, why don’t you ask her about it? Or do you know really and are not saying?

God more vague references to what the problem is. If she told you the problem then just say what her problem with you is. Then people can maybe help you solve it. Otherwise everyone is speculating about why she is rejecting you when we could focus on exactly why she doesn’t like what you are doing.

Your daughter is not speaking to you as you are putting yourself first and not her. It's there in every word you write.

You need to actually talk to her !

is she upset about

feeling mum is replaced?
feeling mum has been shafted?
feeling mum is upset
thinking you’re going to chose a woman over her?
simply feels odd having someone who s not her mum in what was the family home ?
doesn’t like her?
thinks you’ve moved on too soon ?

You need to talk to her to find out.
could some, all or none of the above. Without knowing no one ( including you) can try to sort it

Far far too early to introduce a new semi live in partner. I'd acknowledge that mistake to your daughter and get your partner to stay in a hptel for the moment.

You got the family home and she had to move out at 15 with her mum?
And then another woman part time lives in the home your daughter probably still thinks if as her home /safe place .
Could you not predict that she would probably resent you.
I wouldn't worry she will probably go to uni and move on anyway . And you would see less of her.
Obviously you shouldn't have to be single. But the choices you made led to this .
As she gets older she may understand the situation better . Probably just take till she is in her 20s