Daughter won't talk to me

[Nisuspi]

Hi folks, just looking for some advice. My ex-wife and I recently divorced after 16 years of marriage, with one daughter, now 18. It's very amicable between the me and my ex, we argued a lot before we split up, now we get on well. We separated over 2 years ago.

For various reasons it was decided that I stay in the house we owned until the daughter finishes high school at the end of this year (we emigrated 12 year ago so not on UK school terms :))).

For a while, everything was fine and my daughter seemed to be coping well, but then I met someone else. Although it was something I spoke about with my daughter, and we have always had a very strong, open relationship, the reality of it seems to have focussed a lot of anger and emotions onto me. I know I could have introduced her to my new partner over a longer period of time and done more to help ease her into this new reality, but a year on the anger is getting worse. She refuses to spend time at my house, sees my partner as an intruder there that she doesn't like and is getting to the stage where she won't talk to me at all.

The logistics are hard - as much as I'd like to make a clean break, where I am selling this house is nigh on impossible. I know I need to give my daughter time and patience and everything will probably be OK in the long run, but I am worried as she has had her share of issues with anxiety in the past. Selfishly, I'm struggling with not being part of her big life events - turning 18, taking her driving test, doing exams - but I also don't believe that breaking up with my partner would be the best thing for any of us right now.

I just wondered if anyone has been through something similar post-divorce.

The challenge is more about what next than how we got here - the many reasons are painfully well understood.

We can't advise on what to do next if you haven't told us how you have got to this point. I still have no idea what is different about now to then. Did she change after meeting your new partner, or after your partner stayed in the house, or did your new partner assert herself over DD regarding upstairs/decorations/new cushions?

Was your daughter secretly hoping for you and your ex wife to possibly reconcile? So obviously when you've got yourself a new partner it's made her realise that it's never going to happen now. Maybe she was clinging on to that hope and that's why she's so angry because she's actually hurting

This woman is in your daughter’s house? No. She stays in a hotel until your daughter has developed a relationship with her.

Holy moly!

As the poster above - I'm also the woman / partner in your situation.

I’ve been in my SD life for 10 years. Her dad had been divorced for 3 years when I met him and I was introduced slowly after 7 months of dating him (SD was 8 / almost 9 at the time).

At around the age of 14 (so I’d known her for 6 years) a hatred developed towards me (fueled by her mother who is very bitter about their divorce and anyone associated with the dad / her EX is the enemy).

SD won’t look at me, talk to me, engage with me and if I was lucky there would be one word monosyllabic answers. It became very hostile and she was only happy if she was manipulating her dad or had a total monopoly on him. I remember a friends BBQ when she was 15 and she literally spent 6 hours sitting on her dads knee with her arms wrapped around her dad.

Despite her father spending lots of 1 on 1 time with her and trying to get to the bottom of what was wrong he always got ‘I don’t know’.

I completely stepped back (for my own sanity). I took myself away and was always out the way when she came over. Sadly by the time she got to 15 she was caught taking photos of some personal letters (filed away so she had gone through files looking for them), our bank statements and breaking into her dads phone - taking screenshots of our private WhatsApp messages and sending them to her mum (remember he had been divorced from her mum for over 8 years by this time). After this - she stopped visiting or communicating with her dad. She has completely erased him from her life.

She did have some counselling at the advice of social services but stopped after 2 sessions as she said she didn’t need or want it.

Absolutely anyone associated with her dad has been erased - grandparents, cousins, godparents, aunties or uncles.

It wouldn’t have mattered who the new partner was - she would have behaved the same with anyone (so your new partner shouldn’t take it personally as hard as it is).

My SD (now 19 who we haven’t seen or heard from in almost 4 years) takes no responsibility for her behaviour and has no interest in seeing us or anyone related to or associated with her dad.

We don’t think we wouldn't have changed how we handled things - we’ve discussed it a lot over the 4 years. The only thing we would have done was to do some counselling as a group / or her and her dad, as she couldn’t verbalise what was wrong.

My DH for almost 4 years has written to her monthly, tried to phone (she never answers), tried to text (she never answers) and has sent Christmas & birthday presents and never gets anything back. He’s heard nothing from her in 4 years. He’s absolutely devastated.

You will get some posters telling you it was too soon and to leave your partner - only in broken family situations do children seem to get to dictate adult relationships. I don’t agree with this.

I would recommend you ask your partner not to be around when you see your daughter. Give her some space. If you can get her to some counselling to talk through her feelings I’d recommend.

Good luck 🤞

Thanks folks, this has all been very helpful and given me much food for thought. @NorthernSpirit thank you for sharing what sounds like a very painful situation - I do believe that things are reconcilable with space and patience, and will continue to do that. I really do hope the same is true in your case, and that it won't be another four years before your family comes together.

I hope for your daughter's sake that things are reconcilable But the fact that you haven't really answered anyone's questions on this thread and have just glossed over the facts kind of implies that you're not really listening. Maybe that's how your daughter feels too.

Your daughter was sixteen and you only had to keep your private love life discreet for a few years until your daughter had finished school and house sold etc.
I see you inviting your girlfriend to the family home entirely selfish.
Girlfriend could have stayed in a motel.
You could have driven away to visit her.

You gave your daughter very complex issues to deal with.
No wonder she is angry.

Pay for DD to have counselling.
Remove the girlfriend from the family home until you sell up.

Sell the house.
Only see daughter without your girlfriend until DD is comfortable otherwise.

It might be that you will meet with DD without your new partner for many years.. in public places or at your DD's home.

You basically part time moved another woman into the house a year after her mother left. That was never going to go well. She feels you prioritised a new relationship over her needs- and sorry, you did. She's hurt and doesn't see you as someone she can rely on, and except for telling her that your door is open, nothing you can do. I assume (sorry if I'm wrong) that you e moved in the new partner?

"Up until recently we remained close and able to talk about these issues and recognise each others' feelings, and I absolutely acknowledge my mistakes."

What changed recently?

So have you told your partner no more staying over for the foreseeable future?

Have I missed the bit where your ex gets her share of the property?

Am I right in thinking that you are keeping the property until your daughter leaves high school, and then your ex gets her share, however, selling the property is nigh on impossible?
Do correct me if I am wrong.

So how about this for a solution?
Rather than you staying in the property, your ex moves in and you move out. That way, you will not appear to be taking the piss by bringing your girlfriend into the marital home.
Of course, there is a chance that your ex may find selling the property difficult, and you may have to wait for your share - but you will understand that, with 'selling the property being nigh on impossible'.
Surely you can see that it appears that you have completely shafted your daughter's mum by practically moving your new girlfriend in and deciding that the property is unsaleable.
By switching with your ex you and your girlfriend can have a nice new start.

How often was your daughter staying with you and how often does your new partner stay? And does your new partner leave her things at your home? If there's evidence of her being there - clothes in the wardrobe, toiletries in the bathroom - in what was once your daughter's home, I imagine that would feel quite unsettling.

You have posted quite a few times but actually not said much at all - and what you have actually in places contradicts what you said before