Divorce as a mum/wife who earns more?

[Undergolf]

My DH has asked for divorce. I wanted to hear any experiences or advice from
women who earn more who have divorced, with kids. I earn £75k, he earns closer to £24k. We have 3DC. Ideally, I would like to have the children majority of time, say 5 days a week. They could go to their father for two nights. He hasn’t said what he would ask for.

I am not fussed about child maintenance from him. For example, if we sell the house, we could take 50/50 profit each. I could keep the kids living with me most of the time, I wouldn’t claim money off of him. Mainly because I know he couldn’t afford it. I could buy a new house for myself. He would probably have to stay with family then buy a small flat or rent a flat.

I guess I want to know if anyone has a similar scenario, and what happened? I know men usually demand 50/50 as a means of avoiding paying CMS. If I put it in writing that I won’t ask for CMS, he might not do this?

Also, is there any chance he could wrangle me having to pay money to him? Just because I earn more? His family is canny, so if there’s any way to wrangle this, he’ll do it.

We have both always worked full time (apart from I went part time for a bit after each child). So he can’t argue that he gave up any career etc for our kids. It’s just that I earn more. Only downside is he does have longer holidays than me, and looks after kids in school holidays. Although I could easily cover this by myself, by paying for holiday clubs etc. But I wonder if he could say “I always look after the kids during school holidays, therefore I demand 50/50 or 60/40 childcare and she has to pay me maintenance” type thing. Would a court grant that?

Why would you not want their father to have them 50:50? Unless he's a shit dad I think it's only fair the kids get to spend equal time with both parents. It's not really about what you want. Dads asking for 50:50 isn't always to avoid maintenance. Some dad's just want to be present in their kids lives just as a mum would.

Why can’t he have 50/50? You keeping them more time but shoving them into holiday club when they could be with their dad? (No judgement to parents who HAVE TO use HC). What makes you think you have more hold on them?

Hi @Illpickthatup thanks for the reply. Sorry the whole thing has just blindsided me. 50/50… feels like my kids could be away from me too much. Ofcourse I would accept it if it came to it. He’s not a shit dad.

His job has some inconvenient hours (like 12hr shifts, evening shifts) which would make it very hard for him to do full 50/50. Wheras I work from home and quite flexibility, so I could honestly have the kids 100% of the time if needs be and still make it work with my job. I don’t know if he’s even thought about how much he’ll have the kids. I don’t think he’s thought that far ahead.

I just wanted to hear from other higher earning women, if theyve been in this situation. Have they had to pay spousal maintenance? Or has the fact they have a fairly stressful/busy career worked against them in divorce proceedings?

As I’ve now said, he couldn’t have them 50:50 with his current hours, and I honestly don’t think he’ll want them 50:50…. He hasn’t asked for that. I think that having one stable home where kids spend most of their time is probably best for them, and then to go to dads 2-3 days a week for example. But this is why I’m asking for advice from women in the same situation as me. All the advice I see online is geared towards women who are stay at home mums/low earner/part time, with higher earning husbands, who have a higher % of custody and claim CMS. But that doesn’t apply to me.

Also “shove them in holiday club” is unkind. They already do some holiday club, and they love it. I was just trying to explain I don’t NEED their dad to have them in the holidays, but he might argue it set a president.

Look at Xenia's old posts. She spent about 3 years on here complaining bitterly about her ex getting a too good deal in their split.

How old are these kids? If he wants 50% then I assume he will make 50% work.

He will probably also be entitled to a bigger share of equity and any other assets as you earn 3 times as much as him. He will need to get a home similar in size to you - hence a bigger share of assets. This removes the need for spousal support. You don’t need to claim child support but he will always be liable for it if you have them more than 50% of the time.

If his family are clued up you will be facing someone who knows what they are entitled to.

An agreement not to ask for child maintenance has no standing -- you could change your mind a year later and get it, so no-one would advise him to accept that.

In principle he could ask for 'spousal maintenance' from you, but on £75k with 3 kids and a working husband that won't go anywhere. But it might get mentioned or threatened...

If things were more amicable some greater sharing would make ££ sense -- you're probably not able to get Child Benefit (unless big pension contributions) but he can.

Anyway, a reasonable starting point would be a 50/50 split of assets including pensions and equity. Arguing to vary from that gets costly in terms of lawyers and time, and if that's enough for housing you both it would be accepted. If he needs more to get a property that could be a factor.

Hey,

I am in the same situation, I’m the high earner however stbexh does have a relatively decent job. I wonder if a court or legal team take into account benefits as well as income. For example, my husband works at the private school my boys go to, the staff discount we get ensures I can pay the fees as we get a hefty discount. If he left that job then I’d probably have to pull the boys. Does that count as ‘income’?

As it stands, it’s more likely my kids will end up spending more time at their dads, (who will live in housing provided by the school) during the week and back and forward to mine when they feel like it and over half terms. They’re also old enough to make that decision themselves, both are late teens.

I don’t want to sell the family home at the moment, early repayment fees, so have said to husband I’ll continue paying the mortgage and all bills myself which leaves him free to pay his own bills in his own house. Then we’ll look at selling in a few years and just splitting the equity 50/50. Or I’ll buy him out.

im going to speak to a solicitor though, just to understand fully my position. The one thing I know they look at is ‘earning potential’ which my husbands is limited, however, his pension is worth 10 times more than mine due it being a defined benefit scheme and he already receives a portion of it now which ‘props’ up his income.

All is rather amicable at the moment. I hope it carries on that way but I guess you never know!

Custody 50/50 isn’t the norm, I don’t know anyone in real life that does this - kids prefer to have a base home and a base parent.

I’m in this position, I bought my ex out and we have 50/50 care. No maintenance either side, no holiday clubs as I wfh mostly and ex is a teacher.
I’m in Scotland where 50/50 is the starting point. My ex did try for spousal support but that was quickly quashed. I supported them to change careers and through uni and training, I was not supported to climb the ladder at work, I did it by myself, so I’m happy that I didn’t need to continue supporting them. I still pay for the kids hobbies, shoes, phones etc by myself but it’s a small price to pay for my peace of mind.

But your ex will probably feel the same. I doubt he wants to be away from his kids either so 50:50 makes more sense. It also means both parents get to do the weekday routines as well as the fun weekend stuff. 50:50 works well for kids as long as they have what they need at each house and don't feel like they're packing up their stuff constantly. It works even better if parents are amicable.

If he works 12 hour shifts does that mean he works fewer days so would have full days off? My ex worked 12 shifts and had a 4 days on/4 days off schedule. Something like that would lend itself perfectly to 50:50 childcare. How old are the kids? I'm assuming a bit older if you can work from home in a stressful job while they were there. I work from home and my job isn't that stressful but I couldn't do it with my 6yo around all day. It does make it easier to do school runs etc.

From what I've heard from others, you ex could fight for a bigger share of the house equity to allow him to house himself and the kids. Whether or not he gets it is another matter. I don't think your salary is high enough for spousal support so you should be ok in that sense.

If he wants 50:50 childcare he'll likely get it unless there a very good reason why he can't. The fact that you have a high stress job won't really be taken into account. It's up to you how you manage childcare on your time, whether that's family or kids clubs. The same goes for him if he gets family help etc. It would only become an issue if the kids were constantly in paid childcare and the parent barely saw them but it doesn't seem that that would be the case for either of you.

What might affect chances is not having a permanent home if he has to move in with parents etc. But it totally depends on the situation. If the kids will have their own rooms or if they're sleeping on grandmas couch. This could be an argument for him getting more equity so both parents are about to house the kids and facilitate 50:50 care.

I have started to think I might need to split from my H. I'm the high earner (same salary as you OP) and my H earns £38k or so. But he's getting a salary increase in a couple of months. The closer you can get in salary the better.

If you split the equity from the house 5050 would you both be able to buy a place? On his salary he would need a lot of equity to buy a house for 3 kids no?

Also pensions are to be considered.

You won't pay him support but he will need enough money to house the kids - so I guess when you sell the house that will be the negotiation.

About 5050. Reading on MN it seems 5050 is to be expected if both parties want it. It fills me with dread honestly but if he's a good and reliable dad then maybe iys for the best?

A lot depends on whether he can adequately house himself in a way that lets the kids stay however much time you decide between you (most people do it by agreement). If he could argue that he needs more than 50% of the proceeds of the marital home to house himself (bearing in mind how lower mortgage capacity due to lower salary) then that might come into play.
Spousal maintenance is unlikely unless he was unable to work due to some disability or had given up a good career to be the main care giver to the kids.

I was similar and he got 60/40 in the house split, 40% of my pension as he didn’t have one and 50/50 childcare. Be prepared that it doesn’t always go how you want it to!

You're being presumptive in regard to several things. You don't know what he will want in regard to time with the children. You're assuming you'll get a 50/50 split when he has significant less earning capacity. I would speak to a lawyer and find out where you both stand, it's not always a straight forward 50/50 split for assets or you getting what you want with regards to time with the children.

I just wanted to say I hope you're OK OP. I juts re read that it's him instigating the split, so pretty rough for you that he wants to leave and now all these MN people are tellinh you you may lose a lot of money/time with your kids, for a situation that you didn't instigate or want?

My H has been acting like a bully for years and I feel I finally need to leave and it feels so unfair that he will walk away with so much despite the fact he never sacrificed his career, or took up more of the childcare, or did any of the things women usually do when they're the lower earner. My H earns less because he doesn't like going to work. And I still do 90% of the Domestic stuff. And yet he could walk away with more money and time with kids.

If he works shifts but is available for holiday care it would be resaonable to offer him more time on the holidays, when it would suit him better and allow quality time with him for the kids. It's one way to go more towards a 50/50 split.

I know only one person who does 50/50 and that is mainly due to the mother doing shift work. In my case I could now do 50/50 but we are easy going about it and it suits the kids to have their main base at mine during term time in the week (easier for bothto get to school). They see a lot of their dad anyhow as he takes them to various activities.

If possible I'd have a conversation about what's realistic in terms of childcare and what fits in with work patterns etc. Lots of people on MN really push the 50/50 thing.

Remember you can have the 50/50 over the full year so it could be heavily weighted towards the school holidays, you could have more term time, him the holidays

Hi there I earn £75k ish and my ex £23k. I divorced keeping all my pensions (with x10 his) and 65% roughly of the house equity. 3 children with me 100% of the time and in the future doubt he would ask for more than 2 nights per fortnight

I have a busy stressful and challenging career.

I don't pay spousal and I absolutely do make him pay CMS

Not sure about posters saying 50/50 is not the norm. I’m going through divorce right now and was told 50/50 was more or less inevitable assuming my STBX wanted that.

I honestly don't know anyone that went through solicitors to decide custody arrangements. They just sorted it out between themselves.

Hi Op. I'm going through this myself.

I earn significantly more than you and nearly 4x my husband. I have been told by two judges and my solicitors to expect to split everything 50/50. Of course I can't be sure until the final hearing and he's throwing around all types of slander.

There won't be spousal maintenance as judges prefer a clean break. Don't conflate the issue of child maintenance with splitting of assets eg house. With his job even if he does ask for 50/50 he won't be able to fulfil that so you can then go after CM if the % sways your way.

@mewkins Even if you don’t go through solicitors I have been told that’s what we’d end up with (re child arrangements) in court so may as well sort it out that way ourselves. I think that’s what a lot of people who sort it out themselves end up doing, at least people I know. It doesn’t always stay that way if one parent doesn’t stick to doing 50/50 and the other takes over more of the time.

That's not really how it works. As parents you both come to an agreement of what works for your family. There is no 'what you end up with' if you're not asking someone else to decide.