Things haven't been right between my husband and me for a long time, it just feels like there isn't anything romantic between us and hasn't been in so many years. We were however friends, we parented well together and life was ok, so I pushed that part of me that wanted love down and told myself that there are worse things in life than a secure partner and a good dad even if we aren't in love. As time has passed the resentment on both sides seems to build, he feels rejected when he does try and be intimate with me, I feel obligated every now and then to perform because I'm his wife and I should, but it's difficult when I don't want to, there's so much that comes with intimacy for me - and when there's no day to day affection, not much conversation, nothing really aside from the kids it's hard for me to suddenly want to have sex with him. He's quite an awkward person somehow even with me in a way, he just often doesn't seem to really have anything to say.
The last few years things have gotten nastier, arguing infront of the kids, speaking to each other badly, no respect seemingly on either side. Things got pretty bad to be honest and after so many years of wanting things to change I just sort of checked out. I decided to focus on my own life instead, I switched jobs, got a more active social life etc. I've been a lot happier actually and he seems threatened by that. He makes a lot of digs at me about things like me seeing my friends, going on trips with them, making an effort with my appearance and how I'm getting better looking and is it because I want someone else, going to be good looking for him soon etc. I'm a lot younger than him and sometimes I feel it's unfair if he expects me to feel sorry for him being in his 40s when I'm in my (late) 20s because he got to have these years, why shouldn't I? He regularly tells me how he doesn't have any friends, and digs about mine, I do have brilliant friends that are an amazing support system and are strong women and he does definitely take issue with that. He doesn't have a relationship with my friends, again he barely speaks to them even though they've been in my life for many years. They have also said they find him awkward and very quiet.
The arguing in front of the kids etc was the last straw and I finally told him everything, I said that I wasn't in love with him, I don't think we are the right people for each other and it's shit that we will have to change the kids lives but also I just think there has to be more to life than this. He said if I'm out then I'm out and that's it. Until yesterday, when I informed him of my plans with the kids, living arrangements etc and he was hysterical. He's begging me to stay, he did say lots of about loving me and wanting to stay a family, not wanting to put the kids through it, not wanting to lose the family home etc, which I guess are valid things. He did also make a few statements I thought were unfair, such as how it's easy for me as I'm young and good looking and will meet someone else whereas that'll be it for him, his life will be ruined, he said he's become invisible to women for the last few years, etc.
It just seemed yesterday like I'd made my decision, it was going to be hard but it was right, and I knew deep down it was right. But he isn't fundamentally a bad person, he's my husband and father of my kids and he's begging, crying, pleading with me to stay and how he will make it better, do anything etc. It has made me wobble and think all of this upset will just stop if I stay. I also think that after so many years of inner turmoil about ending this marriage I have never gotten this close, and will I look back on this when I'm in my 30s, 40s etc and think why didn't you just leave when you were so close.