I'd done one of the hardest parts, can I really stop the process now?

[justkeepbreathin]

Things haven't been right between my husband and me for a long time, it just feels like there isn't anything romantic between us and hasn't been in so many years. We were however friends, we parented well together and life was ok, so I pushed that part of me that wanted love down and told myself that there are worse things in life than a secure partner and a good dad even if we aren't in love. As time has passed the resentment on both sides seems to build, he feels rejected when he does try and be intimate with me, I feel obligated every now and then to perform because I'm his wife and I should, but it's difficult when I don't want to, there's so much that comes with intimacy for me - and when there's no day to day affection, not much conversation, nothing really aside from the kids it's hard for me to suddenly want to have sex with him. He's quite an awkward person somehow even with me in a way, he just often doesn't seem to really have anything to say.

The last few years things have gotten nastier, arguing infront of the kids, speaking to each other badly, no respect seemingly on either side. Things got pretty bad to be honest and after so many years of wanting things to change I just sort of checked out. I decided to focus on my own life instead, I switched jobs, got a more active social life etc. I've been a lot happier actually and he seems threatened by that. He makes a lot of digs at me about things like me seeing my friends, going on trips with them, making an effort with my appearance and how I'm getting better looking and is it because I want someone else, going to be good looking for him soon etc. I'm a lot younger than him and sometimes I feel it's unfair if he expects me to feel sorry for him being in his 40s when I'm in my (late) 20s because he got to have these years, why shouldn't I? He regularly tells me how he doesn't have any friends, and digs about mine, I do have brilliant friends that are an amazing support system and are strong women and he does definitely take issue with that. He doesn't have a relationship with my friends, again he barely speaks to them even though they've been in my life for many years. They have also said they find him awkward and very quiet.

The arguing in front of the kids etc was the last straw and I finally told him everything, I said that I wasn't in love with him, I don't think we are the right people for each other and it's shit that we will have to change the kids lives but also I just think there has to be more to life than this. He said if I'm out then I'm out and that's it. Until yesterday, when I informed him of my plans with the kids, living arrangements etc and he was hysterical. He's begging me to stay, he did say lots of about loving me and wanting to stay a family, not wanting to put the kids through it, not wanting to lose the family home etc, which I guess are valid things. He did also make a few statements I thought were unfair, such as how it's easy for me as I'm young and good looking and will meet someone else whereas that'll be it for him, his life will be ruined, he said he's become invisible to women for the last few years, etc.

It just seemed yesterday like I'd made my decision, it was going to be hard but it was right, and I knew deep down it was right. But he isn't fundamentally a bad person, he's my husband and father of my kids and he's begging, crying, pleading with me to stay and how he will make it better, do anything etc. It has made me wobble and think all of this upset will just stop if I stay. I also think that after so many years of inner turmoil about ending this marriage I have never gotten this close, and will I look back on this when I'm in my 30s, 40s etc and think why didn't you just leave when you were so close.

Yes, it’s too late. You don’t have to hang around to be his carer. He wants something he can’t have, and that isn’t your fault.

You don’t exist to facilitate his happiness/contentedness.

He hasn’t been facilitating yours.

Keep going! You’re doing the right thing. Don’t go back to the same arrangement you found intolerable.

You’re freeing him to find someone who’s a better fit as well. He’s a grown adult who’s responsible for his own emotions. You can be honest, you don’t need to please him.

Think a year ahead when you’re settled and arrangements are sorted. You’re going out with your friends without any snide remarks, pass ag, ‘punishment,’ no stonewalling etc. It will be really great.

So you would sacrifice your own life to keep him happy? Will the kids be happiest this way, seeing their mum being manipulated and coercively controlled inside a miserable marriage?

He is not your responsibility in any way.

What a compelling argument, you should stay because no one else will want him

Of course this bit feels shit OP, you care about him and you don't want to hurt him but you know this is the right thing to do. Being stuck in half a marriage and being unhappy for the next 20+ years isn't the right outcome for any of you, you, him or the DC.

Remember he's just starting his grieving period now, when you've been doing it for months.

Fundamentally, a relationship is only working when both parties feel supported and part of a team. You obviously don't have that.

Keep momentum and gather the docs you need for divorce quickly. You mention arguments becoming nastier between you, I suspect he'll become even nastier during divorce proceedings

Keep strong. From what I gather of years of reading Mumsnet - your husband will improve for about six months, then slip back into his old ways and it will be twice as hard to leave then.

he didn’t make the effort before so he doesn’t really care about you. Only himself

Go now, whilst you’re young and strong and have your whole life ahead of you. You’re not here for the purpose of making him happy at your own expense.

We can be a good team in some ways, with the house, with the kids etc. I know he will always support me, he definitely has supported me through things and I know would if anything tragic ever happened. He does care a lot about of family unit and says he would do anything to protect it etc, he provides and cares about all of our futures, multiple pensions and life insurance policies etc to try and cover us.

It's just the lack of conversation, the lack of affection and intimacy, feeling like we are such different people, not being able to ever hang out as a couple with my friends, him not having any, the fact that we're always mum and dad because it often feels like there isn't an us etc. It was easier to accept all of this, because of all of the good in my first paragraph.

It's just getting worse because it's getting nastier, my feelings aren't going away and yes I think he's started feeling threatened and lashing out because of that.

Have you posted before? If so, well done for actually taking steps to leave.
Sadly, his happiness isn’t your responsibility. It sounds like you’ve pretty much separated anyway, he will meet someone (if that’s what he wants) men always do!

Many many years ago, in a far worse place than I am now. When we only had one child, too. I think that's the biggest guilt - two small kids that will ultimately pay the price. He kept saying that I'm choosing for us to both be part time parents, kept saying things like giving up 50% of their childhoods etc.

Far worse mental place I mean, technically the situation is worse now as we're deeper in and have two children. But I'm not the scared 21 year old that I was anymore!

You are too young to stay in a relationship that doesn't make you feel happy and fulfilled. You have so many years ahead of you. He had his chance to make you happy but did not make the effort. Tell him you want a divorce but will give 100 percent to co-parenting.

You can be better friends, co-parents & happier people not being married to each other. Just keeping telling him that. And don't let him emotionally blackmail you into a reverse !

He's not a good man op. Please leave him and continue with your plans.

You aren't giving your kids a good childhood growing up in that environment- arguments, nastiness. Would you want this life for your children?

The things you say 'it's just' are massive. You deserve happiness.

whereas that'll be it for him, his life will be ruined, he said he's become invisible to women for the last few years, etc.

Which says to me that he is thinking about how he will survive without another woman to look after him. That's what women are for.
Keep moving forwards, or your life is mapped out for you.

Yes I struggle with some of the things he is saying. I said that he's not 80, he's in his 40s, he's a good man with a good job and attractive - there's no reason he wouldn't meet somebody else. I do think in 5 years time he'd be happily with someone new and might even thank me for this. He is just so adamant that he never would, that I'd be the only one that gets to move on, that I'd be ruining his life, taking his family away, leaving him alone forever. It makes me feel so guilty and I'm unsure it's fair really.

I of course understand that divorce isn't going to be easy on the kids but by both staying local and being flexible I don't think we have to lose the kids 50% of the time. I know coming from a 'broken home' isn't ideal but is it ideal to come from a home where the relationship being modelled isn't a good one and you're exposed to arguments and resentment.

What's your gut telling you?

He's just trying to guilt you. He's not even sorry, he's just trying to make you feel bad for him.

It's no relationship. You need to not let him get into your head.

Please keep going OP, your situation resonates with me so much and your husband sounds very similar. Wish I had the guts to do it, I will at some point.
I also 100% agree, I think it's far better for kids to come from a broken home (hopefully 2 happy homes) rather than a home where their mum and dad resent each other. Also think about what will happen in say 10 years time, no idea how old your kids are but if you say just now the only thing in your relationship is the kids, what will it be like when they no longer need you to be mum and dad all the time. Even from your husbands point, it's surely better for it to happen now and he has a chance at finding someone else etc than 10 years down the line

It's only human to feel a huge amount of empathy with the person you have shared your life with for so long, but pity is not a good enough reason to stay.

It's so hard because when it comes to me and him I am so sure that it isn't right and that I want to leave.

He's a good dad however and would want 50/50 and it's difficult as my youngest is just under 2. It's so much to ask of them to give up their home and go between 2 houses with no steady base. It's this paralysing fear that makes me just want to pull the plug on everything.

Your marriage is dead, and has been for a few years. Why would you stay?

You've done the hardest part. Keep on going.

Hang on a minute....you're talking about being friends and him being a great dad, while also saying you're arguing a lot, and in front of the kids. You said resentment has built up on both sides.
You're not friends, and it's not great parenting either, but you are trying to stop the arguments by separating - quite rightly.
You'll probably co parent much more effectively if you are apart.

He sounds pretty insecure about himself and his own self esteem.

So, I would say, if you aren't 100% sure about leaving , you could say you will postpone your final decision for 6 months IF he is willing to change, including getting regular weekly psychotherapy ( by someone who is a member of BACP or UKCP) to address his issues (lack of day to day affection, worries about not meeting anyone else at 40 ( self esteem), sniping at you about your autonomous attempts to make the best of your life). Obviously what he talks about with a therapist is private and he doesn't need to share it with you but you will know if he is genuinely addressing the issues.

He may feel it isn't fair of you to ask this of him. ( Maybe it isn't ). Then you know he doesn't genuinely have intentions to really change. Don't accept arguments about not affording therapy. That is just an excuse for not wanting real change. If he really wants to change he will prioritise it financially.