Help me get my ducks in a row

[JustAGalWhoLovesBooks]

For reasons I won't go into, but abuse emotionally and physically are involved, I want to separate from my DH.

We recently bought a house and have a huge mortgage (over £350k). I work full time and have 2 DDs under 5. My DH also has two older DDs from previous relationship. He will not leave the property or take me seriously when I say I want a divorce...instead laughs in my face, silent treatment then pretends nothing has happened the next day. All part of the abuse cycle. He never left the house with my DSDs mother and she ended up leaving. Red flags I know but I was sold a lie.

So I am going to have to leave. I only have £2k savings. All my wages go into mortgage/childcare/bills. I have nothing left over.

He will not put the house on the market, again he'd laugh if I suggested it and pretend the conversation never happened. So in order to leave I'd be faced with renting a new place, plus mortgage on my house he'd be living in which I can't afford. Does anyone know what options I have? And believe me when I say he won't leave or discuss it like an adult. I feel trapped but I can't continue this any longer.

See a solicitor.. He can buy you out or a judge can order it sold... He can't stop you filing for divorce.. Maybe you would be eligible for financial help with childcare? Claim cms the day you file for divorce.. This would be you classed as separated...

Sorry I should have said *he never left the "old" house he shared with his ex-partner. I had my own house when we met and we bought a new one together 50/50.

@Sunshineafterthehail thank you, I think a judge would have to order for it to be sold as he'd never be able to afford to buy me out. Do you know it I have any options in the meantime though? I feel like I can't continue living under the same roof, but court proceedings take forever and in the meantime I can't pay rent plus mortgage on 2 properties. I'd pack up tomorrow if I could afford to.

With a huge mortgage, presumably little to no equity, and only 2k in savings, the first thing I’d do in your situation is stop paying the mortgage.

I’m sure Womens Aid will be able to give you some great advice. Spend a couple of hundred pounds on an hour or two appointment with a shit hot lawyer, it should be worth every penny.

Rather luckily, and completely unsurprisingly, he doesn't get to make unilateral decisions.

You get to choose to.

Anyone can apply for divorce. You can do that online.

See a solicitor to find out how you sit financially.

If there's not enough in the joint pot to keep the house (one of you) plus get another one; then the house gets sold for two smaller ones. He doesn't get to 'not leave' when it's half yours, unless he buys you out.

See a solicitor as soon as you can.

You need to report him to the police for the physical abuse and have him removed from the home.

Do you have any family you could stay with temporarily?

Thanks all.

Our house is worth £700k so even though the mortgage is high, we would have a nice amount if we sold. Neither of us are high earners but we had a decent deposit from what we made on our last property.

But in order to move out, I'd need to stop paying to afford the rent. How can I do that? Just stop paying my half into the joint account? That would mean the mortgage just wouldn't be paid as he can't afford it alone. Would that not screw me in the future if I tried to get a mortgage? This is where I feel trapped. I don't know how I can pay rent and just stop paying for a mortgage I've signed up to, but I'm desperate to leave. Solicitor it is I think....

If there is abuse and physical violence seek an occupation order to get him removed if he won’t leave

obviously your safety is priority but if you leave this will drag on for years and you’ll end up massively in debt

take control. Apply for divorce and occupation order. Report any abuse or threats to the police

You can apply online for a divorce, he doesn't need to agree to it, you can just do it. But if I were you, I would get prepared first. Take photos of any financial documents you can before you hit him with the divorce. Make sure he can't hide any money once it comes to dividing your assets.

And definitely see a solicitor asap. I didn't and I regret it now.

Also, call your local domestic abuse charity for advice. It's not too late to report him to the police either, they changed the law on that fairly recently.

Could you check with your provider if you are eligible to take a mortgage holiday?

Going through a similar thing as you except I called the police who came within 10 mins and arrested him. He's now on bail for 3 months - breathing space to sort things out which isn't easy and very scary esp with children BUT better than living in fear

I know this will sound ridiculous when abuse is involved but I've seen what two parents at war has done to my DSDs and I can't bear for my DDs to go through the same. If I get police involved then it's going to go that way again. If I could just get out I wouldn't mind how long it all took, it's just getting out in the first place I'm struggling with because of finances.

@whatafaf hadn't thought of this thanks. Assuming that would just be a month or do you know if it can be longer?

I'd rather live in a caravan or one bed flat with my daughters than stay in my beautiful house with him! I understand now why his ex did exactly that!

I completely understand how you're feeling. These men are nasty bastards. Is he likely to want to see your DDs when you separate?

@sisinglemum81 yes he will. He's done nothing for them for 5 years. I do all wrap around care (apart from 2 days I'm in the city), all extracurricular activities, parties, school admin, lunches etc. I even do more for my DSDs than he does, arrange all their birthdays/Xmas presents/calendars etc.

Yet, he took his ex to court to get shared custody of my DSDs (I thought what a great dad at the time...) but on reflection it was to get at her/not pay CMS. She moved away and now it's more 70/30 to her.

He will fight me to the death for 50/50 to get at me, not because he wants it.

But that's for later down the line, I've been through the whole process already so know what's coming. For now I just need to focus on getting out this house.

I can't pay rent plus mortgage on 2 properties.

Have you still got your house from before you bought a house with him?

@Headingtowardsdivorce no, sorry I've not been clear. I only have one property that I share joined with DH. I can't to pay the mortgage here, plus the rent of another property if I was to leave.

@Headingtowardsdivorce *afford to

Ah ok, thanks for clarifying.

I think the best thing might be to move out, and then if he can't afford to pay the mortgage by himself, because as far as I know you don't have to pay the mortgage once you've moved out?? he'll have to take a mortgage holiday. And then surely he'll be up for selling the house? If he resists, he'll have to do it in the long run anyway as far as I'm aware? I may be wrong, this is why you need to see a solicitor.

You should be able to take a mortgage holiday for longer than a month. Don't stop paying it otherwise, you're still liable for it even if you move out. If he can't or doesn't pay it all it will just cause you problems. You can get free initial advice at a family solicitors - I would do that asap.

as far as I know you don't have to pay the mortgage once you've moved out??
That's not true, unfortunately. In a joint mortgage, both people are liable for the whole debt, it's not as simple as half each. Definitely get legal advice as soon as you can.

@sleesleekcat thank you, so I am officially trapped...I can't pay the mortgage and rent so I'm totally stuck here as he won't leave or have a conversation about selling.

I'll get a solicitor, just so depressed I have to stay living here and try to be positive around 4 children for 6 weeks of summer hols while he carries on his emotional abuse.

Seek an occupation order !

I would phone the lender tomorrow and talk about a mortgage holiday for however long they will allow - that could you a bit of time and you could get a short term rent maybe?

I would also phone a solicitor tomorrow as you need proper advice.

Maybe the occupation order? I don't know anything about those or the timescale involved.