Help me get my ducks in a row

[JustAGalWhoLovesBooks]

For reasons I won't go into, but abuse emotionally and physically are involved, I want to separate from my DH.

We recently bought a house and have a huge mortgage (over £350k). I work full time and have 2 DDs under 5. My DH also has two older DDs from previous relationship. He will not leave the property or take me seriously when I say I want a divorce...instead laughs in my face, silent treatment then pretends nothing has happened the next day. All part of the abuse cycle. He never left the house with my DSDs mother and she ended up leaving. Red flags I know but I was sold a lie.

So I am going to have to leave. I only have £2k savings. All my wages go into mortgage/childcare/bills. I have nothing left over.

He will not put the house on the market, again he'd laugh if I suggested it and pretend the conversation never happened. So in order to leave I'd be faced with renting a new place, plus mortgage on my house he'd be living in which I can't afford. Does anyone know what options I have? And believe me when I say he won't leave or discuss it like an adult. I feel trapped but I can't continue this any longer.

If you could afford both properties there's nothing stopping him from stopping paying his half anyways. Also if you got an occupation order. So you really need to get a solicitor and force the house sale. Take a mortgage holiday of he does either of these things.

Or ask if you can pay interest only

@ZombieBoob yes I think he would do whatever he could to stall/stop it as it's all about the control for him.

I think my main concern was if I could realistically leave tomorrow and the answer is no. I'll get in touch with a solicitor for more advice. Thanks all.

Hello, I want you to know that you are not alone. I am in a very similar situation to you and am currently in the process of putting my ducks in a row and creating a plan to leave for good. After DH behaved horrendously on Fathers Day I told him the day after that it was over. He’s been extremely nice since, buying gifts, doing loads with the children and basically behaving like our conversation never happened. It is of course all part of the abuse cycle. Our situation is slightly different, we have a council house together and I doubt he would leave willingly.

My plan thus far -

I have spoken to Women’s Aid and they did advise that I could voluntarily make myself homeless then apply for another council house.

The council has a discretionary fund for women fleeing DV.

I can apply for free legal aid through Women’s Aid.

They also advised that staying in the family home can result in the ex seeing the house as “theirs” That it is easier to move out.

I unfortunately have no savings but have worked out through benefit calculators what I would be entitled to alongside working part time.

Women’s Aid have also put me in touch with a solicitor experienced in DV.

They can also provide free counselling and other support.

I have also written down everything he has ever said to me, all the terrible names, threats and abuse. If I ever doubt that I am doing the right thing I check this list.

I have told only one person in real life. I plan to tell more when I’m properly leaving.

I also post a lot about instances of abuse on Mumsnet. I now have a record and dates of his abusive behaviour if I need to refer back.

Good luck 🤞 We are all rooting for you 🌷

The occupation order route is good advice

Can you reach out to the ex for advice?

You can also apply for the 'mortgage charter' which makes it interest only for 6months

Speak to the police. I know you think it will make the situation worse, but once he loses control of the situation by you taking steps to divorce without his say so his behaviour will escalate. He will make it worse on his own. Your job is to keep you and the kids safe. The police will advise, but also when it comes to sorting a child arrangement that information is important.
Get copies of all paperwork. Remove anything from the house that is important to you, including passports, memory things and take them to a friend or family member to keep safe.
Go to a solicitor for advise.
If you did move out you can stop paying the mortgage but it sounds like he will default which means your credit rating will be affected. The mortgage could be changed to a temporary interest only mortgage if that is feesible for him to pay while you get out.
The other option depending on evidence and what has been happening with the abuse is the police can take action.
Women's Aid or a similar local charity are fantastic at advising and getting you on the right track. Please call them. Wishing you luck.

The reality is, you need to get the abuse recorded with the Police and a DV agency. As previously mentioned you have a few options:

1. Call the Police. He will be arrested and released on bail with conditions in order to protect you and your children. Usually 3 months. This gives you time to get your ducks in a row (all the advice on here). It is unlikely he will be allowed access to your DDs without significant court approval

1. Call a DV agency eg woman's aid. They will help you flee and get you and your children to a place of safety. It is unlikely he will be allowed access to your DDs without significant court approval

1. Call the council. They will house you as you've experienced DV, however, they may need to see proof e.g. 1 and/or 2.

1. Leave your home and continue to pay contribution to mortgage and rent. This is not usually an option unless you're loaded (which we are not!!).

Please consider calling a DV agency. They are like angels in disguise. A lovely lady will meet you in a safe place for a coffee and talk you through your options.

You can do this ❤️

Please please contact Women's Aid they can put you and your children in a Refuge flat and will provide everything you need. They have staff onsite every day to help you with everything. The rent is peanuts. Please call them

Women's aid will pick you up (if you don't have your own transport) and will take you to the Refuge tomorrow if needed! They don't hang about!

Thanks everyone, I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply. I've contacted a solicitor as a first step.