A new wave of misery

[Lollywillowes]

I recently thought I was behind the major hurt and resentment; I thought I'd turned at corner. I had moved on with my life - literally moved house, new job, even found a new relationship. My mother died before Xmas and I felt like something way worse had happened to me than my divorce.

It's nearly six years from separation.

Recently, however, I've found myself back in the rip current of sadness, isolation and vulnerability.

There seems to be two main triggers:

1. My four month relationship (longest and most important since divorce) ended. He didn't stop lying. Like my ex but worse really. The end of this has been a really good thing, but it's left me feeling like I make poor choices with men and how hard it is to meet someone.

1. My ex and his gf (one of the OWs in our relationship, well, the last one) had a baby. I've tried to be outwardly really positive about it to him and my children, but inside I'm miserable.

I now feel very vulnerable. I have two children. I recently discovered a group chat on one of the kids devices with them, my ex and his gf titled "family". It broke my heart. Who am I? This isolated person who represents some other part of a different family that failed.

I feel frozen out. The children are being pulled into this perfect family situation - my ex and his gf have got plenty of money and huge house- while I am this dead end, middle aged spinster.

I recognise this is me beating myself up about something I can't control but I mourn the family I thought I'd have.

Would anyone else feel this way or am I wallowing in dysfunction?

Yes, I’m so sorry, it is hard. Sometimes you simply need the feelings validated rather than sugar coated..

Honestly, kindly, I think you are wallowing in dysfunction. It’s ok to miss the future you thought you’d have. But to allow it to keep you miserable is not doing you any good,

it’s good your children see their dad and girlfriend and siblings family - that doesn’t diminish your role at all or how they see you.

i think you need to concentrate on you - you refer to yourself as middle aged spinster - reframe that as confident, independent woman and get out and about and live your life to the full

I think anyone might feel this way after going through that. It will take a lot of time and patience to heal.

I hope you can begin to enjoy your freedom and show yourself the love and care you deserve ❤️

How old are your children? Give them the best of both worlds. Things at their other home will be a bit hectic with a baby, so you likely provide them with lots of one to one attention and a calm home. Take them places you can't really go with a baby. You will always be their mum. But from experience they will be more inclined to want to hang out with a happy, mentally healthy, mum than a sad, jealous one. If you feel like these feelings are slipping into your parenting get some help.

I would honestly rather poke my eye balls out than start over with another baby. Nurture your solitude. Learn something new, meet new people, or nurture old friendships.

My best friend from childhood was the child of a divorced family. Growing up and living with her mum money was tight and she was often working 2 jobs and not about. Her dad had another relationship, new family, lovely home, treats out, holidays abroad.......it took her until about 23 to realise, that he'd disrespected her amazing mum by cheating on her and made her think she was a crazy person for suspecting. The money for the amazing house etc was because he barely contributed a penny to his ex to help sustain them for the 26 days a month that he didn't see them. One day the penny dropped and she lost a fair bit of respect for him and gained it for her mum who never said a single word about him or against him. This situation may not be the same but it's a reminder that nothing is permanent, even sadness ❤️

Your mother died before Xmas, of course you are sad. It’s probably the grief that is casting a pall over everything else.

I would hate to have a baby at middle age though. Things in relationships often change after a baby is born and nothing stays the same forever.

You poor thing OP. That all sounds so tough.

All I can say is things will get better, this is the worst bit. Try and just focus on getting through this evening, and tomorrow and the next day.

Don't think too far ahead.

You are going to get through this and be happy again.

It's normal to feel that way. The way out of it is to limit contact with him as much as possible. If you don't know what's going on in his life, it can't trigger these kind of feelings. There's no need to even talk to him about his new baby, let alone try to be positive. Keep all contact about visitation with the kids and that's it. No personal chat. He is not your friend. He is somebody who treated you appallingly, therefore if anything, he is your enemy. When the kids talk about him, her or the baby just say something like; "That's nice." and change the subject.

He and his OW are trying to cut you out with your own kids and replace you with her. They are doing what's called triangulation; treating you as the outsider they can unite against, using the kids to do so. It's common with cheaters and their APs, who are universally selfish, manipulative people. Just keep on being the safe, sane parent. If you cease to participate in their three ring circus of triangulation, they will get bored with each other. Without you to mess with, he will probably turn to cheating on her to relieve his boredom. Fortunately for you, he is her problem now. Just remember that. You never have to worry about what he's up to again. She does.

It's a good idea to get some therapy to work on fixing your picker if you think you choose the wrong men.

So sorry to hear about your mum, btw.

I'm so touched by how kind and sympathetic all these replies are. It's a massive, massive help to me to read each one. Thank you.

@Longlazyday yes exactly. And to take responsibility for feeling that way. During the pregnancy, I felt "well I always knew it would happen" and that it had nothing to do with me so I was quite detached. As soon as it was born, and under a stressful situation, (premature - ex had to leave kids in middle of the night, they're 9 and 11 but I was fuming) I felt all these complicated feelings and felt I had to swallow them for the children. I think I'm realising I don't have to pretend that I feel fine and just being real, in a contained and measured way, is better for all.

I really feel for you OP, it must be really hard dealing with grief and your ex and a new baby etc. try not to dwell on what you haven't got (as easy as it sounds). Most people's relationships/families aren't as happy as they seem and if your ex was a liar and cheat as it sounds have you really lost out?
There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago something along the lines of tell me what's great about being single.. I'd definitely recommend the read! Sometimes you have to think about all the things you don't miss etc and how much freedom
You have not being in a relationship.. especially a bad one!
I'm sure your not a Middle Aged spinster and I'm sure life will get better xx

@millymollymoomoo thank you for your honesty! I know - I'm not helping myself being self deprecating. I have a lot of love in my life - my friends and my children - but truthfully I feel very vulnerable.

@CaliforniaSober thank you. It's ridiculous how life changes and throws more shitballs just when you think you're on the straight

@Jumblebum thank you - you're right! I love the idea of taking them to places you can't easily go to with a baby. And I know they get calm and attention with me: this in itself is quite a weight on my shoulders...I am the security that doesn't change for them. I suppose that's being a mum in most cases.

@Newbie8918 that's a strong story. Mine is not far off that although ex is generous with money - uses it as a control thing. It's allowed me to be financially secure to some extent but also feel quite trapped - he pays for kids to go to private school they love but now is starting to say he can't afford it...(baby arrival coincidental?) - it panics me.

@WalkingaroundJardine absolutely right - the grief about my mum is like a backdrop to everything. A very real sense that I am alone in a new and frightening way. I was so terrified of turning into my mother; now I'm horrified I'm without her.

@fiskal heard and held

My mother died not long after I found out my husband had been having an affair for five years. It was a terrible, dark time, but I'm doing better now and couldn't care less what ex does. I hear he has a new GF and I just feel sorry for her, but grateful that I'm out of all that. You'll get there too. It takes time and distance. Distance yourself from him as much as you can.
You don't have to be friendly. All that's required is you be civil, for the sake of the kids rather than him.

@XChrome I wish I could limit contact. I try to but it's virtually impossible with the children. He asks how they are on a daily basis at the moment - seems like he feels more clingy about them since the new one came along. Also, my own children talk about him etc a lot. I don't want them to feel like they can't tell me stuff but sometimes it cuts like a knife - the group chat called "family" for one.

I've tried to be the bigger person and rise above my own feelings of grief and jealousy (not for a baby, but for a family of more than just me and kids). I texted his gf to say congratulations, suggested and bought a present my kids picked for the baby. I thought these selfless things would make me feel better. They do in a way because I know kindness and care is always right.

Regarding the DC private school you need to be honest with them now.

You need your ex to decide whether or not he is paying and if so for how long. If he says he can't afford it then be proactive and find state schools that work for you.

You need to start by getting your eldest on waiting lists for state places. Do not sacrifice financially security to try and afford keeping them there. You need to honest "Daddy said he'd pay for your school but he can't afford it anymore".

@XChrome you sound so ballsy. I want to channel some of those balls...

@singlemum93 you're right!! I know. He was a liar and a cheat, but as he builds this life seemingly so easily, I find myself feeling like perhaps none of that horror happened... perhaps finding out he took a load of drugs and cheated multiple times and lied all the time was another life, because he's certainly built himself a solid looking conventional life second time round.

@RandomMess I'm sure you're right that gripping the nettle now is the best thing. He has made these doubts whilst also saying confusing things like "it's an ongoing discussion"... no idea what he really means

OP the thing is that what your ex is doing is such a cliche. I assume the OW is younger? And there were a number of other women throughout your marriage? I personally find men that leave their wives then have a new baby so soon incredibly predictable. And like others have said I would much rather be in your position with the freedom you have. Realistically they may have a family chat but the OW isn’t going to become the perfect mum & their new unit the perfect family. Blended families are hard to make work. And there’s that old saying about when a man leaves his wife for his mistress it opens up a vacancy. I would personally feel vulnerable as the OW! But it sounds like you are just going through a low point at the moment which is totally normal & it’s ok to wallow from time to time. I can understand that you feel left out but remember that you aren’t seeing the full picture with your ex & partner, just the veneer they want you to see. You will feel stronger again but losing your mum must have made you feel incredibly fragile & you need time to put yourself back together.

My exH ended our 20 year marriage 5 years ago, 2 teenagers. I am in a new relationship (as is he) but we don’t live together, he lives 3 hours away from me so I am for the most part on my own, working full time and it is hard work.

Little things like simple hobbies have really helped me in my down times. Just keep being you, your children love you for you. And remember that life won’t always be the way it is now.