A new wave of misery

[Lollywillowes]

I recently thought I was behind the major hurt and resentment; I thought I'd turned at corner. I had moved on with my life - literally moved house, new job, even found a new relationship. My mother died before Xmas and I felt like something way worse had happened to me than my divorce.

It's nearly six years from separation.

Recently, however, I've found myself back in the rip current of sadness, isolation and vulnerability.

There seems to be two main triggers:

1. My four month relationship (longest and most important since divorce) ended. He didn't stop lying. Like my ex but worse really. The end of this has been a really good thing, but it's left me feeling like I make poor choices with men and how hard it is to meet someone.

1. My ex and his gf (one of the OWs in our relationship, well, the last one) had a baby. I've tried to be outwardly really positive about it to him and my children, but inside I'm miserable.

I now feel very vulnerable. I have two children. I recently discovered a group chat on one of the kids devices with them, my ex and his gf titled "family". It broke my heart. Who am I? This isolated person who represents some other part of a different family that failed.

I feel frozen out. The children are being pulled into this perfect family situation - my ex and his gf have got plenty of money and huge house- while I am this dead end, middle aged spinster.

I recognise this is me beating myself up about something I can't control but I mourn the family I thought I'd have.

Would anyone else feel this way or am I wallowing in dysfunction?

@Percivaleverett yup - younger, all the cliches: was his junior blah blah blah. Looks up to him and thinks he's amazing which I certainly didn't by the end of our marriage. One thing that's hard is the amount of resentment and animosity they both carry about me under the surface, despite being the detonators of my marriage

@VirginiaGirl thank you - it's a tremendous help to hear others in a similar boat.

It sounds difficult and I think you’re understandably grieving for the marriage you’d hoped for as well as for your mum. I don’t think you need to consider yourself as wallowing. Meeting decent men can be really hard. Could you do any hobby type activities where you meet people in a friendly, organic way first?
My former boss was still very teary over her divorce years later, it was clearly traumatic for her. Some counselling sessions wouldn’t be a bad idea to talk through some of the hurt from your divorce and recent relationship and feelings about making bad choices. It wouldn’t be easy bit it could be well worth it. Do try to be kind to yourself too, not just to everyone else OP. I think you sound cracking and you’re so much more than an ‘isolated person’. Great idea by jumblebum about going places that aren’t baby-friendly.

Op you sound thoughtful and considerate. You only recently lost your mum and that will be having a massive impact of your feelings

im not saying it’s wrong to feel like you do. I’m saying you get to decide to allow them to control you and hold you back or not. You may look
around and see ‘perfect’ families but more often than not they’re not.

positive things happen when you choose to allow them by being happy

You write really well OP. I wonder if writing about it and seeing where it takes you might be an option?

@Mmhmmn thank you!!!
I'm in therapy... have been having therapy for many years! Probably the only reason I have a shred of sanity about me...

@millymollymoomoo YES. I think I need to start doing affirmations in the mirror, rather than looking in there and seeing a sad bugger staring back at me

@Teribus21 thank you! Yes. This thread as a starting point..,

I’m glad to see that. Crucial to be able to speak about these things, it’s too much just having them chase around your head unspoken.

You sound like a very thoughtful and insightful woman Op. You're children are so lucky to have you - a parent who is truly putting them first.

Your ex and his new wife need to be have a bit of anger and resentment towards you because it allows them to justify what they did to you. Without they know they were cruel and wrong. People who cheat have very fractured self-esteem, to fully accept their wrong doing would further fracture their sense of self. By resenting you, they are protecting themselves. But that's nothing to do with you. Leave them to it. No amount of kindness shown to them will change it. Keep being the same lovely person you are.

Feel for you so much OP. But examine the motivation for him/them to be behaving like that with your kids - he’s probably trying to a) make you feel like shit.. which is working, and b) trying to include her and make her feel like she’s important to your kids, because we all know that no step mother will ever replace your birth mother. Don’t get me wrong step parents can be amazing but she’s new on the scene and she’s not their mum. This behaviour stems from a place of fear and insecurity and they’re trying to use your kids for their own emotional needs. Don’t give them the satisfaction of being miserable. Unfortunately this scenario is always a possibility when families separate and mum or dad meets someone new and it’s not your kids fault. All you can do is focus on you and your kids and give them the happiest version of their mum which is what they and you deserve. They may be trying to paint the perfect picture of family bliss but you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors. Life with a new baby is hard enough but trying to integrate that with a blended family?!.. no thanks!
Your kids deserve a great childhood without being responsible for their parents feelings about a divorce that wasn’t their fault, and you only have control of what happens on your side of the street. Plus your kids may already be feeling a little put out about a new baby and dad might be trying to help them feel included, which they also deserve.
Focus on you, that’s the best part of divorce. You get to make yourself into whatever you want now. Go make your kids and your mama proud, they want to see you happy ❤️

@Jumblebum spot on and well said.

Op, healing isn't linear, which can be so frustrating as it feels like a set back but it isn't. Men who have affairs usually don't change so OW has her own journey to go on. Time will tell and their story hasn't ended yet.

Good for you that you ended a relationship that didn't feel right. Take that as progress in building strong boundaries and congratulate yourself

@Jumblebum your analysis has been really helpful to me today to breathe out of all the pain

@warrior2018 you're right - and part of the difficulty I have in this is feeling aware I have to present as happy and secure to my children when I'm feeling blue and vulnerable. It's like the final pressure and defeat.

I have been honest about how I feel in as containing a way as possible because I find that I can be irritable and pissy and it doesn't make sense. When I'm honest and say "this is a big deal for me too and I'm having to adjust and it's making me feel some difficult things", I think it's better

@Livinghappy the reminder that healing isn't linear is really comforting. You worry after a setback that you're back to square one.

I don’t think you have to present yourself as happy and secure

I’m not suggesting you badmouth Ex and stepmom call but it is ok to acknowledge a range of emotions, sadness, fear, anxiety or whatever to your children as part of a normal range of feelings and emotions. Children need to know that actually it’s ok to feel sad or lonely or whatever and that’s ok. We don’t have to be happy all the time and children need to know that’s ok and how to deal with that

be kind with your expectations. You are human and going through grief.

Thanks for posting this OP
I am in a similar boat

Just to say your feelings are entirely normal

Middle aged spinster! Enough of that crap. Being unattached can be massively positive and you don't need a man to validate your life. Look at what you have achieved! Independence, a new home, a job and loving and caring for your family. You have been ground down by negative relationships so celebrate your strengths and independence. Losing your mum is terribly sad and painful and makes you feel alone. Reinforces your vulnerabilities and losses. Your exH and his GF have had a baby which somehow confirms that your relationship is in the past, another loss. You make it clear that your children's best interests are your priority which is an absolute credit to you. The fact that their Dad, GF and baby are referred to as 'Family' is all credit to you and the love that you have shown.
You are a loving, strong, independent lady whom your children love. Celebrate YOU!!!!

Thanks @Despair1 and @Pepponi do you want to share your situation too?

I've got covid, to top everything off!! Seems like being emotionally run down has its physical consequences!

All the replies have been not only a comfort but also great straighteners.Thank you.

@Lollywillowes sorry you’re feeling low. I’ve had a similar journey, although my kids are older and STBXH won’t be having more kids thank god! But that feeling of being pushed out of the nest you built and being replaced is something I think people can’t grasp unless they’ve been through it.

What has helped me is to take the time to sit with the feelings when I get emotional. Work out where I feel that pain physically in my body and instead of trying to avoid it, feel it fully and process it. After a few minutes it passes, and then next time it pops up it doesn’t hurt so much.

My life is better in so many ways without him but I’m still exploring the feelings of loss with a therapist. You’ve experienced a lot of loss so please take it easy on yourself.