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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Would he get 50/50

28 replies

am881 · 17/07/2024 13:25

Hi

I know no one can tell me for certain but I'm an anxious mum.

I've got a 1 year old with my ex, we never lived together and split up when I was pregnant. I've always lived in the same place. He lives 1.5-2hrs away.

I suppose it's not relevant in court but he didn't want me to continue with the pregnancy. We had hardly any contact the entire time as he was either horrible or in denial. So I've done everything on my own.

I have older children from a previous marriage, who live with me 50/50. Their Dad lives close and we all get along well so this works, but does mean my 1 year old only sees her siblings every other week. Despite this they all have a very close relationship and little one adores big brother and sister.

I have gone back to work and my 1 year old is settled in routine and nursery 4 days a week and is happy. I was hoping for DC to go to the same school as older siblings eventually. Just been trying to build a stable life where we are.

My ex has been getting a bit better with contact with our DC. He met DC soon after birth but then had sporadic contact like sometimes would go 6-8 weeks without seeing our child. Lately it's been maybe twice a month.

He now says he will be taking me to court for an arrangement order, he wants 50/50 custody. No plans to move, he has a house where he lives, has said he wouldn't move closer to my area.

Is he likely to get this or anything close if he lives so far away?

I'm also concerned about possibly losing weekends and family time with all my children together, after working and doing all the running around all week, worried my DC won't see the elder siblings as much.

Thank you

OP posts:
Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 13:30

Potentially, but he'd need to show realistic planning and commitment to how he is going to make it work and keep to the baby's schedule living 90 minutes away in the long term. That's easy at 1, he can just arrange alternative childcare arrangements. It won't be easy when the baby starts school. Can only attend one school and a 90 minute commute each way is unreasonable and unrealistic.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 17/07/2024 13:32

50/50 won’t work once she’s school aged - what is his proposal for that ?

He can ask tor 50/50 now as kids who aren’t school aged can go to 2 nurseries etc but he can’t insist one one week on/off as that’s way too long for a 1 year old. Every other weekend would be the starting point so that dd can see both sides of the family so he can’t insist on every weekend either.

Workinghours · 17/07/2024 13:34

So he is currently seeing your DC twice a month? Have you recently applied for CMS?

HamiltonHarty · 17/07/2024 13:38

When I read about men who've gone 6-8 weeks without bothering to see their child, then suddenly wanting 50:50, I assume the only reason is because they've seen online that they can get out of contributing financially that way.
I can imagine him being granted 50:50 but then still going 6-8 weeks without seeing them.
Different if the man was fully involved and wants 50:50 as they genuinely want to be with the child.

Original poster
am881 · 17/07/2024 13:38

SonicTheHodgeheg · 17/07/2024 13:32

50/50 won’t work once she’s school aged - what is his proposal for that ?

He can ask tor 50/50 now as kids who aren’t school aged can go to 2 nurseries etc but he can’t insist one one week on/off as that’s way too long for a 1 year old. Every other weekend would be the starting point so that dd can see both sides of the family so he can’t insist on every weekend either.

My concern with one week on one week off would be that I would still need to pay for a full time nursery place. I guess if it was ordered we did half the week each I could book her for certain days.

Worry it would be unsettling having DC attend 2 nursery's, she's taken a while to settle where she is.

He said said that DC would have to have 2 nursery's and 2 schools.

OP posts:
HamiltonHarty · 17/07/2024 13:39

am881 · 17/07/2024 13:38

My concern with one week on one week off would be that I would still need to pay for a full time nursery place. I guess if it was ordered we did half the week each I could book her for certain days.

Worry it would be unsettling having DC attend 2 nursery's, she's taken a while to settle where she is.

He said said that DC would have to have 2 nursery's and 2 schools.

Show quote history

2 schools?? WTF!

Original poster
am881 · 17/07/2024 13:39

Workinghours · 17/07/2024 13:34

So he is currently seeing your DC twice a month? Have you recently applied for CMS?

Yes I have, because he wasn't paying anything and with returning to work I could do with any little help towards her nursery fees and other costs that I've been solely incurring.

FWIW he denied paternity and made us go through the DNA test, of course she is his which I'm certain he knew... he just wanted to be horrible to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
am881 · 17/07/2024 13:40

HamiltonHarty · 17/07/2024 13:38

When I read about men who've gone 6-8 weeks without bothering to see their child, then suddenly wanting 50:50, I assume the only reason is because they've seen online that they can get out of contributing financially that way.
I can imagine him being granted 50:50 but then still going 6-8 weeks without seeing them.
Different if the man was fully involved and wants 50:50 as they genuinely want to be with the child.

He actually works all over the country so I'm not sure how he'd do 50/50 unless he changed his job.

But he did say his parents would have DC certain days and his brother and sister would help him.

OP posts:
Original poster
am881 · 17/07/2024 13:40

I actually wouldn't mind 50/50 in theory (sad for me though as she's so little!)

If he lived close by, like my exh does.

OP posts:
Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 13:40

am881 · 17/07/2024 13:38

My concern with one week on one week off would be that I would still need to pay for a full time nursery place. I guess if it was ordered we did half the week each I could book her for certain days.

Worry it would be unsettling having DC attend 2 nursery's, she's taken a while to settle where she is.

He said said that DC would have to have 2 nursery's and 2 schools.

Show quote history

She can't be enrolled in two separate schools. That's not how the education system works. From that comment alone I gather that he hadn't done any significant research, so I wouldn't pay him much mind.

username47985 · 17/07/2024 13:43

Is he really likely to want this. It sounds like a knee jerk reaction to you asking for maintenance.

Meowzabub · 17/07/2024 13:47

Honestly, don't even entertain his comments. Greyrock him until the time comes when he starts the court proceedings.

But I'd bet money that he never will.

SummerInSun · 17/07/2024 13:47

Sounds to me more like a threat to get you to drop the CMS claim

TheBossOfMe · 17/07/2024 13:51

Yes, just tell him to go to court. He'll have to have suitable childcare in place for his contact time if he's working - if he's thinking about nursery, he'll probably quickly find out that it'll cost him more than CMS. And since he moved away travel is his responsibility. At which point he'll probably drop the idea.

Andwegoroundagain · 17/07/2024 13:53

Don't be scared of going to court. She can't have 2 schools but could have 2 nursery places. Once he realises the costs and implications of what he's asking for ... I suspect it will change !

Just respond and say yes good let's get this all formalised and see what happens!

Workinghours · 17/07/2024 13:56

Yep he's doing it to avoid paying maintenance. Before taking you to court he would need to go to mediation, where it would be explained to him that DC cannot go to two schools, he needs to show how he can provide care ect, build up contact gradually at DCs pace ect. I doubt he would ever take you to court but if he did, once he's got through the court backlog and discussed in court gradually building up contact (because contact is for the benefit of the DC, not to save Dad money) DC would be getting closer to starting preschool age and cannot be carted across the country as they need stability. I wouldn't worry at all.

Original poster
am881 · 17/07/2024 14:02

I think it could be maintenance, though as others have said I think he'd soon find it will be a lot more expensive to have DC 50/50.

I think another reason could be that his parents now seem to want to be keenly involved and see their DC regularly as they've been asking for sleepovers and things, which I've said she's too young for yet (only 1 and still bf).

The family are wealthy and I think they may be pushing the 50/50 too.

OP posts:
Original poster
am881 · 17/07/2024 14:03

To clarify, my ex isn't wealthy. I don't get a huge amount of maintenance. But his parents are.

OP posts:
Andwegoroundagain · 17/07/2024 14:09

am881 · 17/07/2024 14:02

I think it could be maintenance, though as others have said I think he'd soon find it will be a lot more expensive to have DC 50/50.

I think another reason could be that his parents now seem to want to be keenly involved and see their DC regularly as they've been asking for sleepovers and things, which I've said she's too young for yet (only 1 and still bf).

The family are wealthy and I think they may be pushing the 50/50 too.

They won't get overnights if you are still bf. So they can push all they like !

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 17/07/2024 14:11

It’s like a script with these men. They honestly think 50/50 would be cheaper. Although I sometimes wonder if they have no intention of 5050 and hope that the threat will be enough to get you to back down from the CMS claim or even that if the COURT says it’s 50/50, it doesn’t matter if they don’t actually DO 50/50.

In your case, it seems extremely unlikley tat the court would agree to this in the first instance. To go from once or twice a month to 50/50 is ridiculous. And you say that he went for months without seeing her previously - it might be worth seeing if you can count up all the actual time he’s spent with her since she was born, separating out time with her without you supervising - and have that handy for when he actually takes you to court.

Of course, he’s very unlikely to ACTUALLY take you to court because as I said, a lot of this is because the threat can sometimes have the desired effect which, in this case, is to get you to drop the CMS claim.

If he DOES go to court, you’ve got your proof that he barely knows her so that’s the first thing. The second is that he’d need to explain how he sees this working ito travel, childcare, nursery etc and longer term, with school. I’d be highlighting to the court that if this was the route you would need it to be consistent days per week so that you could arrange childcare on those days (vs one week on, one week off - which would be too much for her anyway if you’re primary carer).

You do need to show willing so I’d go with a counter offer in which you suggest building up to regular overnights, increased time spent with him and his prents etc. Expalin the specific childcare issues and longer term school issues. And then wait to see if he actually takes it further. It’s on HIM to do so - you can just continue to ignore everything until he does actually take you to court.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 17/07/2024 14:19

HamiltonHarty · 17/07/2024 13:38

When I read about men who've gone 6-8 weeks without bothering to see their child, then suddenly wanting 50:50, I assume the only reason is because they've seen online that they can get out of contributing financially that way.
I can imagine him being granted 50:50 but then still going 6-8 weeks without seeing them.
Different if the man was fully involved and wants 50:50 as they genuinely want to be with the child.

Totally agree.

Gymmum82 · 17/07/2024 14:25

He isn’t going to be able to have 2 schools the idea is utterly laughable and shows how little he’s actually thought about and researched this ‘idea’ I suspect it’s just an idle threat to reduce his maintenance payments.
Let him take you to court. He won’t get 50/50 because then it would have to change again when she hits school age and that would be disruptive to the child

HamiltonHarty · 17/07/2024 14:42

I bet if a man googles "How do I get out of paying CMS?" there are loads of forums advising to say you want 50:50.
It really doesn't sound like he actually wants 50:50 from what you've said.

Londongirl8922 · 17/07/2024 14:53

I've never heard that a child can go to 2 schools or 2 nurseries for that matter...are you sure he's not just trying to scare you...if you call a solicitor up they can give you a 30 min free advise consultation maybe seek legal advise first and then go from there ...but like everyone else as said when she gets to school age 50/50 will be hard ..I hope you get it sorted, please keep us updated 🙂

LaurieFairyCake · 17/07/2024 15:10

No one will allow two schools

Just ignore him until he takes you to court

Plus she's too young for overnights at the moment as she's breast feeding so just say no