Ex earns more than I and wants 50/50 shared care…

[TwinklePops]

Hi all, after some advice please?
I am in the process of divorce and almost all our financial stuff has been agreed, child contact was also agreed…until…I upset my ex husband by sticking up for myself and he blind sided me with 50/50 contact.

For context, I’ve had relentless problems with him, to the point where I’ve had to get legal advice and advice from a woman’s charity. Discussions aren’t discussions. I suggest something it’s disregarded and then there will be a consequence of some description. Now it’s changing the contact we had agreed which by his own admission is so he doesn’t have to pay me child maintenance any more.

I’m happy to go 50/50 if it’s best for the kids. But this is clearly a financial/punishment reason for him.

The difficulty I have is he earns a lot more than I do. He has already told me though that’s he’s struggling to provide for the kids, but is constantly buying them things, taking them out for the day and signing them up for stuff. He often does things and then asks me for half afterwards and quite frankly I can’t compete. He’s now started buying things that (as main carer) fall under my costs but instead of discussing it with me he goes out and buys it without my knowledge and I’m just worried he’s going to use this all against me.

I know I shouldn’t be worrying about this, but I feel like he’s doing it to a) win the kids over b) to show (should this come into question when 50/50) he provided more for the kids and so is entitled to take the child benefit I currently receive too.

If I lose maintenance and benefit for 50/50 purposes I’m at a major disadvantage financially to support the kids. I can up my hours and will do whatever I can to subsidise this obviously but I’m just really worried.

How do you cope with ex’s behaving in such a way? Knowing it’s a financial issue and not with the kids at the heart of the matter? How does it look if I’m seen to not being able to contribute equally for the kids as I simply cannot afford what he’s establishing costs wise? I contribute more at present and deal with all the essential costs for them. But can this go against me if he’s suddenly spending so much more on them than I can? I’d appreciate any advice. Thank you ☺️

If you think he’s just doing it to be a dick then it might be worth trying texting him something like

“Just been offered a fabulous promotion at work, so good news for me and the kids 😊. Trying to decide whether or not to take it because it’ll be more hours. Please could you let me know if you are 100 percent sure about doing 50/50 and the schedule you’re planning “

And dropping into conversation next time you drop them off “actually you know what, I was really unsure about 50/50 to start with but actually I can see that it’s got some definite positives. Thank you for suggesting it. Do you know it’s 6 years since I went on holiday with the girls, and I’ve been thinking about starting rock climbing on a Tuesday night which looks really fun”.

And doing drop offs in a variety of gym/going out/ having fun clothes. See if he decides you’re “taking the piss leaving him to look after the kids ” and revokes the decision!

Yes I think its good advice. You can’t stop 50/50 or his buying their love so figure out how to up your gane snd make 50/50 work for you. Ultimately its better than being his pensioner because he can always withhold money from you while sticking you with childcare responsibilities.

So he will do 50% of all school holidays?

if you get no income from him, make sure he does 50% of everything … all pick ups, school lunches, supervising homework, paying for all clubs, activities, parties. He will have to buy presents for the party invites. And when children are ill from school he must do 50% of covering sickness and picking from school,

and of course ensure school uniform is washed, ironed etc

Stop paying all essential costs.

Sounds like you draw up an agreement of what they need and anything extra to that document bought without prior agreement the person buying funds,

Thank you. To be fair he does so a lot of this (the non-financial stuff) on his days now, so I anticipate him continuing to do so if we go 50/50, but I do appointments, organise school admin, we also agreed a number of things we would pay ourselves in addition, for example lunches as that’s a choice whether to send them in with a pack lunch or money for dinner. But for example I pay for the kids glasses, any school trips, replace the clothes that move between houses, coats, trainers, winter boots, etc that kind of thing, sort club uniforms etc. I also pay for clubs…as main carer buy he’s now signed them up for more clubs…and whilst he’s paying for the extra ones now, I totally anticipate he’s doing this to ask for half when we go 50/50.
And obviously if he’s signing them up now for more stuff with the anticipation of 50/50 split there’s going to be more clubs to pay for but I don’t have the maintenance anymore to help pay for that.
I’m not sure if I’m making sense but hopefully I’m getting the idea across…he earns nearly £1500 more per month take home than I do…if he’s not paying me maintenance but I’m still paying out the same essentially (because of these additional extras he’s adding) am I ok to say “no sorry I can’t afford it” ??
Sadly it’s always been about money for him. He hates that I’m trying to move on with my life and subsequently sees him giving me money as exactly that…not seeing it as money that helps to pay for the kids on the additional days/nights and for the additional stuff I pay for them for.

This is a really good point thank you NC10125, because I’ve actually said to him if this is something you’re proposing then you tell me how you see it working. I’m happy to do it if he can show me it can work better for the kids as our current arrangement does. However having put that to him, he’s giving me the silent treatment - apparently when I want to discuss something it’s too long or “ridiculoUs” 🙄

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate your advice ☺️

It isn't true that 50/50 custody means no maintenance. If there is a large income disparity he will still own you something. I wonder if that will change his mind.

Also, stop paying half for stuff. If he asks then say he is welcome to buy whatever he wants for the kids but if he expects you to pay, he needs to discuss it with you. This avoid doubling up on things that they may already have at your house etc.

It sounds like 50:50 isn't unreasonable.
Yes, you can absolutely say you can't afford something he is suggesting.

Agree, he doesn't get to spend your money, he chooses to buy something then he pays for it

We have to agree to a club or expenditure as coparents if we want the other to contribute BEFORE the purchase is made and equally before the child thinks they are definitely getting it.

We have to agree to a club or expenditure as coparents if we want the other to contribute BEFORE the purchase is made and equally before the child thinks they are definitely getting it.

Oooh yes school holiday childcare. I’d definitely mention something about “it’s going to be so good in the school holidays with you doing 50/50. I’ll have loads of money to treat the kids now that I’ve only got half the holiday clubs to pay for…

Wow thanks so much everyone. I’ve been definitely doubting my thoughts on this and considered that I’m the unreasonable one many times, but hearing so many of you being on the same wavelength is a huge boost.

it’s been a really tough 18 months and even before we split he had bashed my self confidence so much (to a level I hadn’t even realised really until after we had split). So I find negotiating all this so tricky some times. Really appreciate everyone’s opinions, thanks again!

I would be careful about putting in writing you accept 50/50 if you don't want it.

I think with 50/50 there still is a "lives with" parent for purposes of Drs, child benefit.

I would ask him to propose a 50/50 schedule for a year, to include any absences when he might be away with work (aka new girlfriend). It surprising how 50/50 is less appealing when they have a new interest.

If you can't agree with his schedule, propose an alternative and then suggest mediation

Thing is, clothes, boots and glasses are all necessary. Clubs etc are optional extras, so why would you pay half if he is signing them up on a whim. How old are the kids? Their preference will be taken more.into account the older they get.

Perfectly acceptable to say no to clubs that are too expensive or that you can’t get to. (It sounds like he’s the nasty type who might try and impose a club at an inconvenient time like when you’re at work)

In your shoes I’d be proposing separate clothes for each house. If I was abusive then I’d be doing things like losing or damaging clothes so you’re forced to pay half again or a common one on here- sending the kids home in clothes that are too small or not season appropriate so you struggle. Your kids are little so won’t care about designer etc so you can buy budget appropriate items.

I wouldn’t fight the 50/50 but make sure it’s whole days. For example if Sat/Sun/Mon are his days then he drops off at school or organises childcare during school holidays. He can’t drop
off at your house Monday 7:30 and pick up
at 6pm so he can work. CM is based on overnights but he needs to do proper 50:50 and take the day off if the children are sick on that day.

If you both work Monday to Friday then start at every other weekend with each parent so you both get chilling time with the kids and they can spend time with your sides of the family. He can’t have every Friday night to Monday morning because it works around his work - that’s unfair.

As for Child Benefit, the easiest thing to do is claim for a child each. (I’m assuming 2 kids)

I love this soooooo much.

Not sure it's 100% sensible, but I love it

Absolutely shut down this him buying stuff/committing the asking you for half or whatever.

One email saying that if he wants you to contribute to anything financially, time or otherwise he needs to ask prior for your agreement otherwise it's all up to him.

This! My DH has 50:50 for my DSD and this is what he does - 5 school drop offs and pick ups in the fortnight, if the inservice day is his day then we find childcare, and vice versa with his ex, they take turns to have days off if she’s sick. The number of people I know who have “50:50” with ex but are still doing all the default parenting is insane. If he wants it make sure he does it properly! This in turn will reduce your costs and offset the lack of maintenance.

I would think parallel parenting would work better for you than co-parenting. As a rule of thumb - his time, he pays. Childcare in his time? He pays. Signing up for clubs? He pays. Child sick on his time? He takes time off.

NONE of this is anything to do with you nor is it your responsibility.

He provides clothes at his place and nothing goes back and forth.

My ex is a nob and doesn't do anything like 50/50 but does have a full set of clothes for DD and she returns clean in what she left in.

I do occasionally ask for half towards school trips, his knee jerk is always no, but last time he did cough up.

No court is going to think he's more deserving of more than 50/50 just because he spends more on them.

Sorry can't edit in the app but also wanted to say if he signs them up for activities in your time you're under no obligation to facilitate that if it's not convenient for you.

Don't let him schedule your time for you.

You will be able to work more and have more headspace if he does 50/50.

I do proper 50/50 - the child benefit goes into a joint account- we both top up by the same amount and it pays for after school and holiday clubs