Ex earns more than I and wants 50/50 shared care…

[TwinklePops]

Hi all, after some advice please?
I am in the process of divorce and almost all our financial stuff has been agreed, child contact was also agreed…until…I upset my ex husband by sticking up for myself and he blind sided me with 50/50 contact.

For context, I’ve had relentless problems with him, to the point where I’ve had to get legal advice and advice from a woman’s charity. Discussions aren’t discussions. I suggest something it’s disregarded and then there will be a consequence of some description. Now it’s changing the contact we had agreed which by his own admission is so he doesn’t have to pay me child maintenance any more.

I’m happy to go 50/50 if it’s best for the kids. But this is clearly a financial/punishment reason for him.

The difficulty I have is he earns a lot more than I do. He has already told me though that’s he’s struggling to provide for the kids, but is constantly buying them things, taking them out for the day and signing them up for stuff. He often does things and then asks me for half afterwards and quite frankly I can’t compete. He’s now started buying things that (as main carer) fall under my costs but instead of discussing it with me he goes out and buys it without my knowledge and I’m just worried he’s going to use this all against me.

I know I shouldn’t be worrying about this, but I feel like he’s doing it to a) win the kids over b) to show (should this come into question when 50/50) he provided more for the kids and so is entitled to take the child benefit I currently receive too.

If I lose maintenance and benefit for 50/50 purposes I’m at a major disadvantage financially to support the kids. I can up my hours and will do whatever I can to subsidise this obviously but I’m just really worried.

How do you cope with ex’s behaving in such a way? Knowing it’s a financial issue and not with the kids at the heart of the matter? How does it look if I’m seen to not being able to contribute equally for the kids as I simply cannot afford what he’s establishing costs wise? I contribute more at present and deal with all the essential costs for them. But can this go against me if he’s suddenly spending so much more on them than I can? I’d appreciate any advice. Thank you ☺️

I think 50/50 when it works is fabulous - you can be a parent and have a life, think of all the positives and chances are he'll drop the idea anyway...so make sure you insist!

Yy to pretending that 50/50 is exactly what you want. Some exes will quickly backtrack because they can’t stand the idea of their ex having fun, meeting people and not missing their old life. If he’s self employed then he will be able to make his child maintenance obligation much smaller.

Thank you again everyone. Sorry for the radio silence. I’m having further issues. Now he’s trying to enforce changes to our existing agreement (which isn’t currently 50/50) and refusing to pay for the debt he’s run up for school lunches on his days. I appreciate some main carers may pay for school lunches for their ex, however we have three children who run up lunch bills fast if allowed.
This was something we agreed on last year as it’s each of our choice to decide whether the kids have packed lunch or school dinner on our own days and we both agreed if it was a packed lunch he was giving them I wouldn’t be expected to pay for that - his day, his responsibility to pay for food.
Now he’s refusing to pay. He’s also refusing to do a lot of other stuff, like present me with a child contact plan for his new 50/50 proposal. I’ve asked for a copy before we discuss so we have something to work with but he won’t suggest one. He’s also refusing mediation (which I know I can’t enforce) in order to get some stuff finalised…stuff he’s wanting to be changed!
I used to suffer panic attacks when I was contacted by him. I had to introduce a separate phone in order to prevent texts on my personal phone. I cannot be face to face with him without others being around…I’ve suggested a teams meeting as I don’t know how else we will get this resolved 🙈

My ex did this, even got a text message when I gave him the CMS calculation saying he'll have them 50/50 to avoid paying.

I said I thought it was a great idea. Said we could have drop offs on a Sunday evening after tea, one week on, one weeks off, told him it was a great idea as I could get back to the gym, see friends and further my career. It stayed at every other weekend as he didn't like the idea that I was happy with it. Until my dd was about 14, she now does 50/50 which is fine as she's happy.

But if you do go 50/50 then make sure he understands that your dc will have to have their own clothes, school uniforms, even laptops etc at each house. They take their essentials and school stuff between houses. but he provides everything whilst they are there. He also goes 50/50 on school trips, hobbies etc. plus if he can't have the dc due to work, then HE has to arrange alt childcare, it doesn't fall to you.

If he’s signed them up to clubs that fall on a regular day, try assuming those are the days he wants for 50/50 and draw up your own contact schedule to “discuss”. Make sure you include half the holidays and include that costs incurred on “his” days (lunch, childcare, sick days) are for him to deal with.

If he's now charging the meals to you then go via CMS now and start to claim it. That way you can pay for things like lunches. But if he signs them up to clubs then it's him that has to pay it. If he takes it from the monthly payment go back to CMS and tell them he's not paying you the correct amount t

This is why I didn’t claim CM although in my case it wasn’t much money to lose. I never wanted dc to think their dad’s decisions to spend time with them were based on money. Unsurprisingly he saw them little when there was no financial incentive. We didn’t have money spare and didn’t do all the clubs and trips etc but I also had total control of my own money and no arguments about paying for stuff and got loads more time with dc. The court will not care if you don’t sign your kids up to activities or can’t match his spending. Unless your dc have some amazing talent kids usually drop clubs by secondary anyway. Do your kids even want to do all this stuff? Obviously amicable coparenting and sharing costs is the ideal but where that’s not going to work then doing your own thing, on your own budget and ignoring the other parent as much as possible is also an option. I’m sure your kids would be just as happy doing less activities and hanging out with a less stressed mum.