Spousal abandonment syndrome

[janiejonstone]

DH announced in March that he wasn't happy, had never loved me and wanted to separate. It was a total shock - it felt like he became a different person overnight, and I still feel like I'm waiting for my kind and caring husband to come back. My whole life paused at that moment and I entered a sort of weird nightmare parallel universe. As far as I knew, we were very happy and had been making exciting plans for the future - it was going to be a really good year. We've always been able to talk about everything, but as soon as he'd made the announcement he pretty much stopped communicating with me and I became someone he treated as if he barely knows. He'll only talk to me when our DD (age 6) is around. Won't eat with me, won't touch me. A close family member died soon afterwards and he didn't ask how I was. He used to send me lovely messages throughout the day, now nothing. Valentines day was also our 10 year engagement anniversary and he wrote me a beautiful card saying how much he was looking forward to the next ten years. I'm finding the shift incredibly brutal and hard to understand. He agreed to start couples therapy but has made it clear to the therapist that he doesn't see any point in trying to fix the relationship. He's currently living in the attic while looking for a flat, but is travelling for work almost every week (and yes I would not be surprised if it turned out there was someone else involved - it's the only explanation that makes sense to me).

I stumbled across a few articles on 'spousal abandonment syndrome' and it described perfectly what's happened to me. Has anyone else experienced this, and did you EVER find out what was really going on? https://lakelegal.co.uk/uncategorised/spousal-abandonment-syndrome/

I don't think it's a syndrome. I think it usually happens when one party meets someone new and is too cowardly to have a grown up conversation and leave, but you can't call the end of a relationship a 'syndrome'. You need him to move out asap as you're just prolonging the pain.

I'm so sorry to read about your shock. Unfortunately, it appears to follow the usual path of someone else being involved. He's already launched the first barb re never being in 'love'.
Famous MN wise women advice - time to get Ducks in the Row.

Apologies re inability to edit / typos above but just to add that he's piling on the hurt by spitefully / intentionally not supporting you when you needed it the most. I know he's your daughter's farther but he is not a nice man.

It's not a syndrome. Actually, I think that's a ridiculous way to describe it and I do not nor did I have a syndrome - I had been spectacularly let down by the one person I thought would never do that. The Script has been shared on MN a lot over the years and I found it to be a far better example of what I was going through.

I know you're trying to make yourself feel better that is a 'syndrome' rather than him just not loving or wanting you.

Even if he did say all those things, he doesn't mean them anymore. It sounds like he's met someone else and is too much of a coward to tell the truth.

It's time to focus on your future, without him in it.

I agree it’s not a syndrome. I think you need to think about why you see yourself as being abandoned. That implies you had little or no agency in your life and relied on this relationship for your all. That is not healthy or realistic in this day and age. Really not in any day and age. There is always a huge risk any relationship can end.

This has happened. Think about what you want your life to be and what you can learn from this. In the meantime feeling hurt and scared is a normal reaction to what you are going through. Feelings of hurt fade over time. And the fear is of change and being on your own. These are all things people can deal with or learn to be resilient to.

This happened to my friend, same exact MO, very cold, not willing to discuss or communicate, still doesn't even about the kids. There was another woman, had been going for six months she only found out months later when he left the kids with his Mum on his weekend while he went to see this woman and her daughter told her. It all came out then.

Labelling something a syndrome does not make it one, millions of people have gone through it is a separation that is all

Yeah. I never loved you blah blah almost always actually means I'm fucking someone else and I'm a cowardly twat fucking around behind my partner's back and trying stupid ways to justify it to myself so I don't have to face the fact I'm a disloyal twat.

It's only a syndrome if Cunt is a syndrome.

It's not a syndrome I think. It's all.part of the script. Next it will be how your (perfectly normal) behaviours have inhibited him and stopped him being himself. I'm.so sorry but stay strong, fightbfor your entitlements and know there is a wonderful life for you on the other side. Best wishes.

Spousal abandonment involves them leaving without any form of discussion, complete cutting of all communication. He has told you he is unhappy and wants to separate, he is actively working towards that. There is almost certainly someone else given your description of him working away and the way this has happened.

Separate to your situation, spousal abandonment isn't a syndrome, but it definitely happens. And is brutal and bloody for those left behind. Most of the websites about it are pretty biased though and don't acknowledge that the one left behind has usually played their part in the marital breakdown but have been oblivious to their behaviour over the years. They have not heard their spouse trying to tell them they are unhappy until the spouse does meet someone, goes bang and walks out.

Yup it happened to me too after a 20 year marriage.
I have no idea why they all spout this tedious script of I never loved you blah blah when its obvious nonsense.
Guaranteed its because they met someone else and are too cowardly, pathetic and selfish to admit it or give you any kind of closure.
My ex left with no notice, blocked me on everything and sent divorce papers.
Turned out he's got into fetish and BDSM and met someone else who was into it. I absolutely was not interested in that lifestyle. I said he could do what he wanted to get it out of his system but I didn't want any of it in our home.
Some time later when he realised nobody in this group cared about him and it didn't work out with the new woman he asked to come back.
I absolutely refused to have him back and was much happier on my own. It took this incident to make me see how completely selfish and uncaring he had been over the years, never bothering about anniversaries, birthday or christmas, always getting us into debt, never satisfied with anything.
After the initial shock I realised it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Seems more like shagging someone else syndrome to me.
Follow him covertly when he goes out and see where he goes

Yes it happens. There is a book by Vicki Stark called Runaway Husbands which details the behaviour.

When this happened to me I spent the first six months or so trying to understand it. He didn't want couples therapy but I went to see a psychotherapist on my own as I was blindsided by my husband of many decades just walking out.

I eventually made my peace with a narrative that said that what caused the split was deep in my ex husband's history and character and I would never know why. It took time to accept that but that's the best I'll get. His story is different but as I don't know what it is I can't comment. His parting shot was part of the runaway husband script. He hasn't been happy for years, it was all my fault and he couldn't do 'this' any more. It would have been nice to get the memo.

Prepare to find out that there is someone else. Chump Nation is good if this happens.

A "syndrome" sounds like an excuse.

I'd say the reason is that there's another woman. Cherchez la femme

Oh op he’s following everything in the script.

Your reaction is normal, it’s shocking when this happens. Happened to me, almost like your situation. It’s so hard to believe the 360 in character but generally it’s when they had their head turned. It’s easier to demonise you or to act cold to justify it all.

It gets easier but it’s painful because you’re a normal human being. Lean as much as you can on family and friends. And yes get your ducks in a row and focus on you and what you need. Try to get headspace away from him - talk to family and neutral friends. You’ll be okay in time op. It’s just a huge shock so tread yourself kindly.

Ps don’t try to understand him, it’s never that complicated. Focus on you, it’s your life.

It sounds like "The Script" @janiejonstone

www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

Exact same thing happened to me 28th of March. Told me on Tuesday he doesn’t love me anymore and Friday he moved out. 4 days and my world turned upside down. No sign no explanation no reason. My heart is in pieces.

So sorry to hear this. It's brutal. I'm just over a year past the 'reveal' and in a much better place. But it's an unforgivable thing to do to someone. I hope you're ok and have good people around you x

Was there ever OW? My partner of 13 years done the same and left me and DC but still another women hasn’t surfaced and been a few months now.

Really sorry but this is textbook affair behaviour. Textbook.

Classic rewriting of history.
Classic refusal to communicate.

so sorry. He’s not worth your effort.

Can't believe it's been almost a year since my original post. Everyone was right, there was an OW. I found out because she got in contact with me in November to apologise and say that she had no idea that he was married - he had told her we had been separated for years. She was also angry at having been lied to (she said that she realised that he "was incapable of honesty"). She offered to meet me and explain the full story but I decided I just didn't want anything to do with it.

We're nearly at the end of a horrible divorce process now, and he still refuses to "confirm or deny" the affair.

just stumbled across this. Trying desperately to understand why my husband told me he was leaving me 3 weeks ago. So much of this is similar to my situation and I feel like ‘the script’ is so heartbreakingly familiar. He assures me there is no one else but I suppose only time will tell.

Hope you are doing well now @janiejonstone

Ah no that’s awful! Hope you are ok. It’s only been 3 month for me but feel like I am never going to get over it :(