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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Spousal abandonment syndrome

29 replies

janiejonstone · 08/07/2024 01:15

DH announced in March that he wasn't happy, had never loved me and wanted to separate. It was a total shock - it felt like he became a different person overnight, and I still feel like I'm waiting for my kind and caring husband to come back. My whole life paused at that moment and I entered a sort of weird nightmare parallel universe. As far as I knew, we were very happy and had been making exciting plans for the future - it was going to be a really good year. We've always been able to talk about everything, but as soon as he'd made the announcement he pretty much stopped communicating with me and I became someone he treated as if he barely knows. He'll only talk to me when our DD (age 6) is around. Won't eat with me, won't touch me. A close family member died soon afterwards and he didn't ask how I was. He used to send me lovely messages throughout the day, now nothing. Valentines day was also our 10 year engagement anniversary and he wrote me a beautiful card saying how much he was looking forward to the next ten years. I'm finding the shift incredibly brutal and hard to understand. He agreed to start couples therapy but has made it clear to the therapist that he doesn't see any point in trying to fix the relationship. He's currently living in the attic while looking for a flat, but is travelling for work almost every week (and yes I would not be surprised if it turned out there was someone else involved - it's the only explanation that makes sense to me).

I stumbled across a few articles on 'spousal abandonment syndrome' and it described perfectly what's happened to me. Has anyone else experienced this, and did you EVER find out what was really going on? https://lakelegal.co.uk/uncategorised/spousal-abandonment-syndrome/

Spousal Abandonment Syndrome – Lake Legal

https://lakelegal.co.uk/uncategorised/spousal-abandonment-syndrome

OP posts:
janiejonstone · 18/06/2025 21:50

Lostandtired · 18/06/2025 21:33

just stumbled across this. Trying desperately to understand why my husband told me he was leaving me 3 weeks ago. So much of this is similar to my situation and I feel like ‘the script’ is so heartbreakingly familiar. He assures me there is no one else but I suppose only time will tell.

Hope you are doing well now @janiejonstone

I'm so sorry, it's horrible and I think the lack of real explanation is cruel. I wish he'd just told me about the affair at the beginning - then I could have saved myself six months of trying to understand him and trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. He lied to absolutely everyone - to me, to our family and friends, to our therapist (she asked him three times point blank if there was anyone else involved and he denied it). As soon as I found out, I felt such a sense of relief to finally have the missing piece of the puzzle, and I instantly emotionally detached from him. It was like a switch had flicked. When I confronted him and asked how long it had been going on for, he had the gall to say that it was none of my business! I fully realised then that I absolutely did not want this person in my life anymore.

OP posts:
spicemaiden · 19/06/2025 07:13

janiejonstone · 18/06/2025 21:06

Can't believe it's been almost a year since my original post. Everyone was right, there was an OW. I found out because she got in contact with me in November to apologise and say that she had no idea that he was married - he had told her we had been separated for years. She was also angry at having been lied to (she said that she realised that he "was incapable of honesty"). She offered to meet me and explain the full story but I decided I just didn't want anything to do with it.

We're nearly at the end of a horrible divorce process now, and he still refuses to "confirm or deny" the affair.

What an absolute toe rag. I experienced something similar except we were abandoned in another country with Z suitcase if clothes abc that wasnt. No home. None of our belongings - he kept everything.

AgnesX · 19/06/2025 07:21

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 08/07/2024 03:53

I don't think it's a syndrome. I think it usually happens when one party meets someone new and is too cowardly to have a grown up conversation and leave, but you can't call the end of a relationship a 'syndrome'. You need him to move out asap as you're just prolonging the pain.

Why should the OP move out of her home? Presumably she's the primary care giver too.

Edit: oops, didn't realise this was an old thread.

YellowAsteroid · 19/06/2025 14:27

She offered to meet me and explain the full story but I decided I just didn't want anything to do with it.

So pleased you refused to meet her.

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